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Sparkle (0)
I talked to my mother tonight. It started out as a normal conversation, but it slowly edged toward discussions of my upbringing. It's funny how I pretend like my upbringing was okay, the way I apologize for my skewed perception before I tell her how I remember being whipped so damn hard by my father that I was bruised and sometimes bleeding. I guess I am trying to be gentle with her, gentle because SHE wasn't the one who hurt me. I carefully tell her I don't blame him, that he was raising me just the way he was raised. Nevermind that I'm lying, that I believe he should hold himself accountable. The day I take off my belt and beat my children is the day I hope I drop dead. cuz the kids would be better off without me. I told her it was okay, but I believe that he was often out of control. And surprisingly, she agreed. She mentioned a time I faintly remember; the one time she told him to stop hitting me, that it was enough, I'd been hit enough for one spaking. Actually the first discussion was a confusion about pants. Apparently she has forgotten EVERY single time I was spanked bare bottomed. Which was almost always until I got to be about third or fourth grade. In her defense, I'll admit she often was absent during the worst "spanking" sessions. He seemed to be more willing to let himself fly totally off the handle and beat me in a frantic and frenzied and screaming rage when she was not there to stop him. But I remember other things I didn't remind her of tonight. Times she told me to move my hands and stop covering my bare butt while his belt cracked down. I so very carefully suggested tonight that my one qualm with them was that I was spanked frequently and very, very long and hard and that NOBODY noticed that it was too much for me. That I was a very sensitive child who could hardly handle my parents' disapproval and a much smaller punishment would have been plenty. She told me SHE had noticed, that's why she told him to stop that one time. She told me that when she witnessed me being spanked, he would have barely started and I'd be screaming and acting like I was being killed. She didn't say it in a mean way, but I was defensive, and pointed out that no one wants to be held down and hit repeatedly, that you have to wield a belt pretty hard for it to have any impact at all. I didn't quite have the guts to point out that he hit me ferociously and regularly. I did point out that all you can do while being beaten like that is beg for mercy, scream that it hurts and you are sorry, and please stop hitting me. I told her I'm still afraid of belts, and when he is wearing one, it gives me the chills. We had a friendly, comiserating conversation, but if I were dumb enough to remind her of it when I really need her she would pretend it never happened or that she disagrees with me or that I deserved the "spankings", even ones that left me wounded. We talked a lot about why we both disapprove of spanking now, we agreed that often the parent that wants to hit his child shouldn't. That spanking is a parent demonstrating a lack of self control. That it is a bad example, painful, damaging, and uncompassionate. She's told me that alot, and in her defense, she rarely struck me as a kid. But she didn't stop him either. Other than that once. And I remember the times she defended him when I showed her my bruises, my broken bones. Even though my fair-weather mother woul.d NEVER admit to remember making me lie to doctors and family friends about my injuries. She acted like the mediator role I had to play between my parents was normal. I didn't argue. Asking her to face to truth about the shitty relationship she had with my dad and the damage it did to me is too much. She tries very hard to be a good mother now, most of the time. I appreciate that. And I want the mother who has always told me she has never felt close to me to love me now. I want that closeness. I know that's a bit sick and I've admitted to myself it may never happen, but I want her in my life. She's my mom, I love her, and god knows I'll
