It is January 10th, 2010, do you know where your period is?

Oh, Faith.

Are you really sitting here, thinking about writing this out? Yes, yes I am. Do I talk to myself like this frequently? Oh, sadly, yes. Nice first post there, oh, and further lame it up by mentioning it's your first post. I'm talking to myself, and it appears I am new to the internet. Sweet!

I wonder how many can relate. It is approximately one day before the expected arrival of my period. I'm trying to conceive, or what they abbreviate on the ol' internet as TTC. I always thought that TTC sounded too much like it could be a fighting move.

And, with that, Jose Aldo wins the fight with an astonishing TTC twenty five seconds into the third round!

For the record, I do not relate well with many others in my position. Once my youngest son, Tate weaned, we decided it was okay to try again. He was two, and we didn't do anything special. I've always been a little bit in awe of women who chart their cycles for the purpose of conception, always intrigued by the process, the little rituals and such that go into that. The truth is, I don't have the self discipline to chart regularly, and I don't have a cycle that even makes sense most of the time. The only pattern I've seen to it has been the exceptional intuition of my body to suddenly decide that it's going to do its thing when I'm either wearing lightly colored pants. Occasionally it throws in a fun scenario, when falling over, convulsing in cramps is just really not appropriate. Dates, all of that, I don't know.

Well, after almost two years, we decided it probably wasn't going to happen. Every month I'd take anywhere from three to five tests. Some months were easier than others, my period promptly kicking me in the butt before the disappointment happened. Other months, I'd skip my period, be elated, so happy, doing that "walk around, rubbing your tummy" thing. But the test would be negative, and then, my period would happen. I'm one of those people who doesn't even have one every month, apparently, but this didn't happen until my first year into my thirties. Usually, those months where I'm just late are accompanied by PMS that really, really mirrors early pregnancy signs. I'm sure there are some who can relate. At least, that's the hope in this thing.

I'd act like it was nothing. I'm too cool for school. Then after my husband would go to bed, I'd slip out of the sheets, pad across the house to the bathroom, sit on the toilet and just cry. Look at the negative test and cry. I realize that my fertility issues aren't as serious as some, but it hurt. It hurt to the point I decided I was really done with all of that pain, and started getting things in motion to have my tubes tied.

On that note- I won't rant too much. I am just really baffled at how hard it is for a 30 year old woman to have a surgery she wants. If I had gotten it, I know I would not have regretted it. This probably sounds like a weird way to look at it, but there is one plan where the tubes get tied, one for having a baby. After all the disappointment, I just figured it was best to go with the tubes tied- only, it didn't happen.

I was okay with it. I would have been had it happened. I didn't realize that my husband was having doubts until one day, he wraps his arms around my waist and says, "Would it be so bad to have another baby?"

Um, hey. Here's the thing, no, it would not be so bad, but man, you say that like it's so easy! And he really did. I said, okay, we'll try again for a year. If it happens, it happens. If not, I'm out. Inside though, I knew what I was getting myself into.

Which brings me to where I sit now. I did chart. Not that I anticipate it will be a whole lot of good- but according to said chart and my period last month, I should have my period tomorrow. Or the next day. You know how it goes.

I sit here listening to my oldest, my youngest, feeling like my breasts are heavier, I'm slightly nauseated, and boy, I've been a bit more tired lately, so, maybe? Maybe? Do I talk to anyone about it? What would I say? That the entire week I was supposedly fertile (Again, my body, who knows) I hit it like the angry fist of god? We did eat oysters on our anniversary and we did engage in pretty normal anniversary good times. That was the "window", that time around. I was on prednisone- and hey, I just read that sometimes helps. Am I going to be sick? Was that a cramp, or is my period going to take its own sweet time as it often does, only to get my hopes up and then, nothing, nothing, nothing?

More than anything, I just sit here thinking, "Oh jeez. Why are you doing this to yourself again?"

And then, a friend posts a photo of her absolutely adorable newborn in a bunny snow suit.

Oh.

 

 

 

 

 

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