Does It Have to Be Reciprocated to Be Love?

lots of great questions. i got to thinking about babies and love, and realized that you are correct, they don't feel love towards you, it is primal need and then attachment, but they learn love by how you love them. and the more you love them, the more they give that love back as they grow.

I made a similar case years ago in a paper on Madame Bovary. Most people talk about how stupid her husband Charles was, and while I don't think people should take abuse, my paper made the case that Charles was practicing unconditional love and that was to his credit. The professor liked it. :-)

I've asked the questions you ask here, which also led me to write the following line which I continue to run in my blog's sidebar.
"People love us as their capacity allows." -- Nordette Adams
My prayers go out to you and your family, Ashleigh, given yesterday's sad event.

Nordette Adams ( http://www.bookotopia.com ) is a BlogHer CE ( http://www.blogher.com/haystackprofile/viewprofile... ) & you can find her other stuff through Her 411 ( http://her411.com ).

I absolutely don't think it has to be reciprocated. There are so many ways to love and be in love with someone.

I have a male friend who recently had to end our 20 year friendship due to his new girlfriend being jealous (I am happily married BTW and he was friends with the hubby as well). I still love him even though he showed his lack of love for me by allowing me to be cut out.

In the romantic sense I have ex lovers, two in fact, that I still love even though we will never be a part of each other's lives again. They won a place in my heart and nothing will change that, even if they don't feel the same way.

There are just so many ways to fall in love with someone, and for whatever reason, love is always a good thing (the healthy non-obsessive kind). It makes us better people to love and be loved and its always something to be cherished and held on to.

I think that romantic love must be reciprocal to be real, but unconditional platonic love does not. Romantic love without return is actually a very selfish thing which places a burden on the object of ones affection. I know because I spent about 10 or so years feeling unrequited love for someone and in retrospect I realize how unfair that was to him and how it put him in a bad position. Because he is a kind person, he never confronted me, but I'm sure he grew weary of it many times. There's a great book about this called "Breaking Hearts: The Other Side of Unrequited Love" by Roy Baumeister. Anyone who has felt unrequited love needs to read this for perspective on how it feels to be the object of unwanted affection.

Other types of love do not have to be returned to be real because other kinds of love rarely carry the same level of expectation as romantic love. However, it's my opinion that if there is any expectation of reciprocity (either in feeling or actions) on the part of the person who loves someone who doesn't love them in return, then the realness of it is in doubt. If you expect anything, it's really about self-interest.

Personally, I've been married for 21 years to a husband who I adore, and my love for him has never, not for one moment, waned. If it is even possible, it grows stronger and more passionate every day. We live the type of marriage that is typified in what you say is discussed in "The Good Marriage" - Lots of physical intimacy, excellent communication, patience, understanding, etc. I'm always somewhat shocked when I read people who say things like "marriage is love and hate" or "everyone wants to kill his or her spouse sometimes." I have never felt like either of these things and I strongly think that my husband and I "earn" the wonderful relationship we have through the effort we put into our relationship in all ways, but mainly through transparency and communication, even when it is difficult or painful.

Makes a big difference from where you learned what love is and how to love. My personal take on love is similar to yours, "it's strange". I feel that attempts to rationalize love do not do it justice. Love, like other emotions are irrational sometimes, there are no words to really describe them, that's why poets use metaphors and even those fall short in my opinion. Religious preference aside, if there is any written record of what love is that does it for me to some extent it would be this bible text:

If I speak in the tonguesa of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

After my divorce, n now living a second relationship, I believe that partners first of all need to know why they want to be together and if they feel happy doing anything, petty to big things together.

Also, it is very important for both of them to plan doing things together n for that they need to communicate all the time. Talk n talk, about anything and everything ... COMMUNICATION IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF A RELATIONSHIP.

Honesty, care and understanding are among the key words in a healthy relationship ...

Aso Busgeeth - Port Louis, Mauritius.

Great post, Ashleigh! I usually don’t read the life style posts. For me its feminism, politics and gardening blogs that draw me. But when I saw this was by you I read it.

I’m glad people are still reading the Aeneid. I used to teach it in my Humanities course, and my students loved Book IV when Dido made her impassioned appeal to Aeneas to stay with her. They all felt that the exchange between Dido and Aeneas (written about two thousand years ago) had a familiar ring. She interprets a sexual relationship as commitment. He doesn’t.

I recall one student say: “This exchange between a man and a woman is probably going on right here in Philly at this very moment.”

Karen Bojar

http://www.the-next-stage.com/

I'm "older"... Didn't think I would ever find a reciprocal love. Thought that my loving was enough... (Thinking that I'm a pretty good lover... Hard to be objective about such a thing, I know).

I remember writing, more than once, a description of the perfect love for me. Everyone called me too picky.

But I practiced seeing that kind of love and I found it! And it IS fabulously reciprocal!

Don't settle for ANYTHING less! Practice writing what you want in love, and you'll train yourself to "see" it... It's out there!

When asked about the success of her marriage she said that it came from each of them "Giving 70% and expecting 30%"

I just throw the love out there. Does it stick? Is that my problem? I do not know....

a/b from The Burrow at http://ashleighburroughs.blogspot.com

we find ourselves in new circumstances and changing definitions and unexpected appearance and disappearances and somehow that feeling of love is still there, real and often painful, but definitely THERE.

a/b from The Burrow at http://ashleighburroughs.blogspot.com

I own the feeling and a lack of reciprocity doesn't diminish it or tarnish it in its purest sense. But it sure does take some of the joy out of it! I loved your take on it from the ballet recital - learning to love is something I'm working on, too.

Thanks for stopping by.

a/b from The Burrow at http://ashleighburroughs.blogspot.com

That's love it makes people insane. Love is not like you given something like a gift in a particular person then you are waiting for your birthday to come because you expect something in return him. Love is like giving too much of yourself and expect less.
http://www.conferenceshopper.com/sitemap/things-to... ( http://www.conferenceshopper.com/sitemap/things-to... )

Love does mean different things to different people at different times. As a mother, with some unique things going on in our family unit, I can tell you that love can be felt and not necessarily returned ... and still be very real.

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and newspaper photographer.

This reminds me of the incredibly beautiful scene in Adaptation, in which Nicholas Cage plays twins, and they are discussing a high-school "romance:"

Charlie Kaufman: There was this time in high school. I was watching you out the library window. You were talking to Sarah Marsh.
Donald Kaufman: Oh, God. I was so in love with her.
Charlie Kaufman: I know. And you were flirting with her. And she was being really sweet to you.
Donald Kaufman: I remember that.
Charlie Kaufman: Then, when you walked away, she started making fun of you with Kim Canetti. And it was like they were laughing at *me*. You didn't know at all. You seemed so happy.
Donald Kaufman: I knew. I heard them.
Charlie Kaufman: How come you looked so happy?
Donald Kaufman: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.
Charlie Kaufman: But she thought you were pathetic.
Donald Kaufman: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago.

But no, I don't think it has to be reciprocated, at least not in the same way. I have tried to explain this feeling before, but I can't. Here's one clumsy attempt: http://wp.me/pHKCx-5A

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Alyssa's Endless Musings on Life & Everything Else: AlyssaRoyse.com ( http://www.alyssaroyse.com )