It Is Stupidly Expensive to Be a Bridesmaid

I'm now at the age where my friends' daughters are getting married (sons too, I guess!). One of my closest friends just had a wedding for her daughter a few months ago. Between hosting the shower, gifts, the hotel (destination wedding) and so on, I spent over $1,000. And I didn't even buy a new dress. Part of me hopes my daughter elopes!

Good for you for not caring what the other bridesmaids thought -- it's the bride's opinion (and yours) that counts.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

The bride knew and was cool with it. I'd called her. She didn't care. I found that a few other bridesmaids were a whole lot more finicky about silly things like matching shoes and hair.

I'm still really close with both of those brides today.

Carrien homeschools 4 kids and runs a non-profit from the kitchen counter.

she laughs at the days ( http://shelaughsatthedays.bogspot.com )

the charis project ( http://thecharisproject.org )

There were a few times that I just refused to get the manicure or the hair or whatever. But I think if you level with your friends straight-up, it's way better than hoping they don't notice, you know?

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

I was a bridesmaid twice the year I married. My wedding was done on a shoestring, everything hand made, done by friends, I think we did the whole thing for about $1000. MY husband was wearing a kilt made from his clan tartan, which fortunately had several very pretty shades of blue in it. I just had the bridesmaids choose a shade and buy them selves a dress they would like to wear again.

I had to bow out of parts of the weddings I was bridesmaid at. I couldn't afford the hair styling for one, (I even had mine done by a friend for free at my wedding) so my hair was not all big and poofy like the other bridesmaids. I was probably a bad bridesmaid, I couldn't afford to stay for 3 day long bachelorette trips, and bought one pair of black shoes to wear with all the dresses, even though they didn't match the others exactly. (No one but one other brides maid even noticed.)

But I do know that my expectations of the friends I chose as bridesmaids was way lower than some had of me.

In hindsight I'd probably do it differently if I had to do it again.

Carrien homeschools 4 kids and runs a non-profit from the kitchen counter.

she laughs at the days ( http://shelaughsatthedays.bogspot.com )

the charis project ( http://thecharisproject.org )

Usually all you want is a space with no partners, spouses or children and a chance to catch up and stay up late without responsibilities.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

Especially when people get married young -- it's hard to have all that financial pressure to host when you're not really in your prime earning years, if you know what I mean.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

I consider myself lucky, but at some point, I'm sure my closest female friends will start getting married. Just not quite yet.

I'm getting married in October, but decided against having a bridal party. I didn't want to subject my truly close friends to the costs - time and money - involved, and I wanted to spare myself the stress of trying to get everyone to coordinate dress colors/styles/whatever in attempt to look cohesive. Instead, we're including our grandparents in the procession, which I think will be a nice way to honor them. And our closest friends are helping out with smaller details to really make the day special - one is playing guitar for our ceremony; another loves design and is helping with that aspect of my dessert bar; another is organizing a "bachelorette" party for me, which is really just a day-trip up to Napa (from SF) for close, local female friends. Much easier, cheaper, and stress-free for all involved.

Kristen Noia is Contracts Counsel at BlogHer by day and a food blogger at Batter Licker ( http://batterlicker.com ) by lunch break and night.

My sister-in-law is getting married next summer and I'm already saving for what is going to be a costly bachelorette party. Luckily, her mom (my mother-in-law) is going to help out with the shower. I'd be in big trouble if I had to host both events.

Also, since my mother-in-law is amazing, she is buying my dress.

Still, I know how pricey it can be to be a member of the wedding party, which is why, when we got married, we opted to not have a formal wedding party. I didn't want to put a lot of pressure on our friends. Instead, I wanted them to come and enjoy our wedding.

Abby Adams

www.missabbya.blogspot.com

Come to think of it. You must be a great friend!

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

The painful part comes when you get invited to be in or attend close friends' weddings in multiple states in the same year. Those were the years that really hurt. Now my friends that are getting married are local, which makes a crazy huge difference.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

I had one $3k bridesmaidship, but it sure was a memorable one. It still makes me laugh.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

Ugh, tell me about it! I am about to be my sister's maid of honor for the second time. I am always everyone's maid of honor, and I have never been married. It's flattering, but ultimately it's exhausting and kind of depressing.

http://jessicapwallin.com.com ( http://jessicapwallin.com )

Haven't been asked to be a bridesmaid yet (I married earlier than most of my friends will).

I had no bridesmaids at my wedding. We had a small ceremony, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I was never interested in anything fancy for a wedding, and my hubby had been married before, so he could really care less.

I guess I'll take those savings and put them away if I get asked to be a bridesmaid.

I got pillaged by my own sister-in-law to the tune of $3000.00!!! Add airfare and hotel for a destination wedding to a faraway land, catered bridal shower, spa day in lieu of a bachelorette party, it took me 6 months to pay these expenses off. Oh, and guess what? My brother took his groomsmen to Las Vegas in appreciation. Me? I got two coffee cups.

My girlfriends are all normal, reasonable woman who didn't even have bridal parties. Whooo-hooo!

It sounds like the most common theme I see in these comments is "don't accept the honor if your heart isn't in it."

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

I don't think I've ever been to an engagement party, come to think of it. But yes to shower gifts and wedding gifts and often bachelorette party gifts, although I don't really mind the gift part at all.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

I'm sorry you had to prepare for your wedding from a hospital bed, but it sounds like you have been blessed with a wonderful husband and family.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

It could be a difference in age. I got married in my twenties, and then everyone had 5-6 bridesmaids and I was unusual, but my whole wedding was unusual b/c it was a destination wedding. Now in my thirties, all my friends are having just a sibling stand up with them just like I did.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

I do think there's value in being a part of someone's wedding, but I agree it doesn't have to be so expensive to do so.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

If there's going to be a lot of expense, it's so much better if it's really spaced out. A lot can be absorbed if you can pay for it gradually. The downside is if you put it on credit cards, which I did when I was young and dumb. I think I might still be paying for some things.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

I've been a bridesmaid five times and the first four were during my final year of college. I was broke. All of the brides were also soon to be or recent college grads themselves so we did most things on a budget. Three of the weddings cost me about $200 each. One cost me about $350, but the bride's parents gave us all a little "gift" to defray costs. (It was still a lot of money at the time, but I appreciated how cheap it all was).

The fifth wedding was a family affair so I got to travel with my parents and the bride paid the salon bill.

I'm had a reasonably affordable run, but I would be hesitant to accept the honor again.

I had to drop out of a wedding because I had lost my job and was moving in search of one. I was a replacement as it was, and not a very close friend so I felt a little bad, but looking back I really only regret accepting in the first place (I hadn't lost my job yet, but I knew my heart wasn't in it, and clearly I wasn't a first choice).

If I get married, I'm going to keep it to one bridesmaid and ask my closest friends to wear LBDs or dress in the wedding colors so I can have them join me in photos.

As a 'maid for my friend since first grade, the bachelorette party was likely my biggest expense. Fortunately she got married the same month as my sister & we were able to do a 2-for-1 weekend!

When I was MoH for my sis, my mom paid for my dress.
I've re-worn each outfit at least once.

I'm now planning my wedding, and plan to have my gals wear whatever silver shoes they want, and their choice of neckline within a certain color palette. & Have them wear whatever nice, understated [meaning small, bling is fine!] jewelry they already own.

Also, planning a chill bachelorette that won't break the bank!

One weird thing about that chart: there are really not supposed to be engagement gifts, because the engagement party was traditionally a surprise announcement!

I too had this delimma once we had to buy 2 very expensive dresses my parents bought them. but when i had my wedding i had just graduated from college and some of my friends were still in college. my own parents divorced. so i asked them to pick a gown that they already owned and it turned out wonderful. all ended up in spring colors they had and they had shoes to match so no new expence. it was nonsense to have fake nails and hair done they did it like they preferred. i was just glad to heve all 7 of them with me. for the men we caught a sale tuxes rented for 15.00 for a dance so each boy went in seperately . but they made a mistake and all went together to pick them up and almost ended up in bluejeans. but i wouldnt have cared . i only wanted to see my husband there. all else was icing on the cake. 30 yrs later . i did the right thing. i did all my boquets and flowers from the dollar store. and arch ways an ect were donated by a friend. i eve made my wedding and groom cake after being in the hospital for 10 days . blood clots in legs. my rice bags and favors i did in the hospital bed. friends sang and played. and i bought my dress from jc ppenny 250 + veil.I was so honored later when i found out my sister in law wanted and ordered the same dress to get married in . we did it all under 500 dollars . we had one night of a honey moon and my husband had to go back to work. we have never had that honey moon we planned but were still planning on it. i married a wonderful man. with 2great adult children still at home . but both have disabilities but so do my husband and myself. all in all a loving family.

Luckily I was only in a few weddings, but I remember the cost and time and frustration.

So when I got married it was just my husband and me up there with the justice of the peace. No bridal party. The result: everyone had a great time and no resentments about costs or ugly dresses or making girls get their hair done a certain way.

The funny thing is that even now - 10 years later - we still have people tell us that ours was the nicest wedding ever because it was just about my husband and me without all of the bridal party craziness!

I've been in two weddings (not counting my own, LOL) and I am on deck to be MOH in three weeks.

The first wedding was my brother's. It was a no-brainers, and I was honestly too young to realize the costs involved. Mom took care of it all.

Then it was my wedding... I tried to keep in mind the expense. I picked BM dresses that were right around $100 and in a style they could wear again. Left it up to them if they got their hair done, and told them to wear whatever black dress shoes they already had. Their outside expense was any gifts and any travel they did.

Then it was my MOHs wedding, and I was her MOH. I went into a lot of expense... but honestly? For her? I wouldn't change a thing. I could have/should have been a little more firm on what I could or couldn't afford, but I made it work out in the end.

This wedding coming up... Let's just say I'll be glad when its over. I really should have probably declined, but I didn't have the heart. Especially when she asked me to be her MOH. Luckily I've been able to space out the expense, but my husband and I are in a rebuild year. So I'll be glad to stop spending money on it and instead be putting money in savings.

I have two friends that I would still agree to be a bridesmaid for, but I don't see either getting married for several more years and chances are they'd not ask anyway. So at least this SHOULD be my final trip down the aisle until I have kids and I'm marrying off my own child. LOL

Denise
Musician's Widow ( http://www.musicianswidow.com )

While I'm sure many women actually believe a "real friend" won't mind sacrificing a boatload of time, money, traveling, and more money in order to "be a part of" their wedding, I believe a "real friend" would not ask for a commitment like that.

If a real friend wants someone at her wedding that badly, she'll cover the costs, and if she can't afford to cover the costs, she can't afford the wedding she is planning.

I paid for my bridesmaids' dresses, and while I still to this day think they made butt-ugly choices, I really didn't care then and care even less now.

It was the marriage that was important to me - not the wedding.

I'd love to have a nickel for every couple that blew their entire wad on a wedding and is struggling now to pay the bills.

Huge elaborate weddings are silly, selfish things. If a woman wants to be center stage, let her earn it, not buy it.

If a "friend" asked me to shell out money for a dress, parties for me, etc, I would never be able to think of her in the same loving way again.

A real friend would not ask someone who loves her to go into debt just so a bride can have a fancy memory book to look at while she struggles to pay the bills because she blew her savings on something that lasted an hour or two.

Bring it on.

"Don't be content with being average. Average is as close to the bottom as it is to the top."

Jane blogs as "Mamacita" at Scheiss Weekly, ( http://janegoodwin.net/ )hitting the fan like nobody can.

I ask myself that question just about every day!

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

Well, I hope I was.

I had my most buxom bridesmaid choose the dress according to the color I liked so that everyone was sure to feel comfortable. I split the difference with a friend getting married 3 weeks later (we were in each other's weddings) because her bridesmaids dress was a lot less than mine. I didn't yell at one who showed up late because she overslept and threw her hair up in a clip instead of the proper do.

But I regret making everyone buy black patent leather shoes. It was a long dress - why was I being so difficult?

Lady Jennie also writes at  A Lady in France ( http://aladyinfrance.com ).

Travel can be rough, but you have a little more control about how you'll get to the wedding (you're buying your own plane tickets or driving or bus or whatever) and you usually know at least a few months in advance where you need to be. Dresses? It could be $50, it could be $300+ -- and you may not have a choice.

I also don't think pedicures or updos should be required if the bride isn't contributing -- I've seen bridesmaids required to get expensive updos. Once I was asked to and had to beg off because I couldn't afford the $70 salon fee.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

It's harder when you're older, I think, for people to realize where your money is going -- to bills. I think I got accommodated by either Ma & Pa or the bride's parents in the two immediately-post-high-school weddings I was in.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

I asked my best friend to be my personal attendant, but I didn't ask her to wear anything in particular.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

I think people should have the weddings they want, but keep in mind whether or not the folks they are asking can afford to oblige them in the way they want to be obliged. Brides aren't evil, but it's not a perfect world.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

I did that too.

BlogHer Book Club Host Karen Ballum also blogs at Sassymonkey ( http://sassymonkey.ca ) and Sassymonkey Reads ( http://sassymonkeyreads.ca ).

I think every bride should hand her potential bridesmaids a copy of this when she asks/begs/guilts each one into taking on the responsibility. I've never seen it broken down like this before and it is very accurate.

I ran a bridal salon for several years and was amazed at the costs (and often abuse) bridesmaids incurred. It was a rare bride who actually cared a thing about her bridesmaids, and I had several who made it her job to make them as miserable as possible.

I have never been a bridesmaid and that is fine with me. With no siblings or female relatives I escaped the duty. And I eloped and spared my friends as well.

And I wouldn't change a thing.

Great article.

Vinobaby is a sassy, savvy, someday novelist sipping her way to suburban sanity one cheap glass of wine at a time. Discover more of her musings and rants at http://vinobaby.blogspot.com ( http://vinobaby.blogspot.com/ ) .

My bestie Kate's mom bought my bridesmaid dress for that wedding because we were like 20 and had no money. That was awesome.

Blondie writes at Tales From Clark Street ( http://www.talesfromclarkstreet.blogspot.com/ ).

Bridesmaid five times and MOH twice. At least a grand each time. Will NEVER do it again b/c something always goes wrong and the last one pretty much ruined a good friendship.

Blondie writes at Tales From Clark Street ( http://www.talesfromclarkstreet.blogspot.com/ ).

yeah i'm going to let her pick her own dress (but i'll go shopping with her)

BlogHer Marketing Coordinator Carrie Winegarden (@carrieactually ( http://twitter.com/carrieactually )) blogs at Carrie Actually ( http://carrieactually.com ) and Kuchen Together ( http://kuchentogether.com ).

When one of my best friends got married I was her only bridesmaid. Her parents contributed toward my dress because we had only been out of school about a year and they knew I was tight on cash for both the dress and the trip home. It was really nice of them.

It was actually really nice with just one bridesmaid. I got to pick out my own dress. ;)

BlogHer Book Club Host Karen Ballum also blogs at Sassymonkey ( http://sassymonkey.ca ) and Sassymonkey Reads ( http://sassymonkeyreads.ca ).

I'm currently planning my 2012 wedding and having my sister as my only bridesmaid so that my parents can cover all of her expenses within the existing wedding budget they gave me.

BlogHer Marketing Coordinator Carrie Winegarden (@carrieactually ( http://twitter.com/carrieactually )) blogs at Carrie Actually ( http://carrieactually.com ) and Kuchen Together ( http://kuchentogether.com ).

I had a small morning wedding and saved tons. I purchased each of the brides maids dress for under fifty dollars. The total cost of the whole affair was under 2000.00...It was perfect!

Most of my friends are very practical and would never expect to spend that much money on a bridesmaid dress. We are all too frugal :)

I adore my friends and I'm glad I was part of their weddings. I do think I should've educated myself better about what it would cost and thought seriously about whether I could afford some of them. I think I would do it all over again for every single one, but with awareness. There are some things in life more important than money.

And I had some ice sculpture weddings to be in.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

Including once for my ex-boyfriend's friends whose names I can't even quite remember. If they make it to 50 years I'm going to be the person in the photos where they look at each other and say, "WHO WAS THAT?"

Overall, I was lucky. I guess. It was usually more money than I could really afford but no one was having big, lavish weddings that cost an excessive amount either.

And I was that horrible person that pulled out of someone's wedding (thus ending the friendship) two months before the wedding. Yes, it was awful of me. But also it was two months before the wedding and there were no dresses picked. It was in a small town and no buses or trains wen there. There was no place to stay in town... well not no place. There was one place that was full and owner offered me her couch. The bride-to-be suggested that I buy a tent and camping equipment and sleep in their field.

I really can't say I regret backing out of that one. Instead I took what was only my second trip back home to visit my family in 5 years. Money much better spent in my opinion.

BlogHer Book Club Host Karen Ballum also blogs at Sassymonkey ( http://sassymonkey.ca ) and Sassymonkey Reads ( http://sassymonkeyreads.ca ).

I am going to be a bridesmaid soon and this is a common topic of conversation lately. Thanks for the article :) The bacehlorette party situation is one that I have been trying to figure out and have used this guide of ideas I found off of SkinnyScoop:

http://www.skinnyscoop.com/list/eden/tips-for-throwing-a-great-bachelore... ( http://www.skinnyscoop.com/list/eden/tips-for-throwing-a-great-bachelorette-party )