It's Good to be Home....

Anne Kimball

Life on the Funny Farm

Got home either very late Thurs or very early Fri, depending on whether you're a glass half-full or half-empty kinda person.

At this point I'm more of a give-me-that-%#@*-glass-and-let-me-drain-it kinda person.

We drove home from New Hampshire earlier than our planned check-out time b/c all of a sudden I had one of those out of calendar experiences when I remembered two of the girls had their BFF's BD party coming up.

Was it Fri night or Sat night?

Like responsible Moms everywhere, I solved the problem by asking one of my scatterbrained teens to check it out. SO she texted her friend and then the friend texted her back and then the scatterbrained teen confirmed my fear: the party was indeed on Friday.


So we broke the news to the kids that we would be leaving early, and we packed up clothes and food and wet towels and bathing suits and we cleaned and did laundry and washed dishes and stripped beds and loaded down Beulah till she creaked and groaned in protest and we cried our goodbyes to our friends and we stuffed six petulant children in very tightly with their pillows and snacks and DVDs and books and sweatshirts and cellphones.

And we drove and we drove and we drove through the wee hours of the night and morning from New Hampshire to Massacheussets to Connecticut to New York to New Jersey to Pennsylvania.

Me: Kids I think you did a really good job cleaning out the house today...
Kids: Why do we have to clean, isn't there like a person who does that?
Me: Did you enjoy your vacation?
Kids: It's so dumb that we had to leave early.
Me: What was your favorite part?
Kids: I don't know.
Me: What did you do today?
Kids: I don't know.
Me: What will be the best part about being home?
Kids: I don't know.
Me: Oh look, we're making such good time. We're already almost out of New Hampshire!
Kids: I can't feel my foot.

How come I have to sit in the back middle? I want to sit in the middle side.

Are we almost there?

Did you bring any chips?


Can we watch a movie?

I don't want to watch a movie.


How come we didn't pack any good movies?

I think I left my laptop in the parking lot.

Are we almost there?


Can you tell him to stop sneezing? It's so annoying.

Miss Dee said we shouldn't walk back after dark because the teddy bears come out.


I can't feel my whole leg.

He always gets the best seat, it's no fair!

Are we almost there?

What's that smell?

I'm freezing!

It's so hotttttt in here!


He flicked me.

He made a face at me.

She's squishing me.

I can't hear the movie.

Who chose this movie? It's dumb.

The movie is too loud.

Are we almost there?

What's that smell?

I'm hungry.

I'm thirsty.

I have to go to the bathroom.

How much longer?

It's too cold in here.

It's too hot in here.

I have no feeling below my waist.

Are we almost there?

Repeat on a loop for nine hours, through six states, from evening to night to 3 in the morning.

So we finally made it home, and we brought most of the stuff in, and we got bowled over by our dogs that honest-to-God thought they'd never see us again, and we thought to ourselves,

does our house always smell this bad?

and we crashed into our beds at near 4 in the morning and slept till 11.

And Friday morning, I'm sitting at my computer and I'm going through emails and getting caught up with things, when I glance up at the calendar to see if I'd already written in a soccer practice time, and I notice that Friday is all blank. Like completely blank.

That's odd

I thought to myself.

Why didn't I write in the time for the BD party?

And then I plucked the invitation off the bulletin board, and I opened it up, and I read

Saturday, August 25th, 5pm.
Saturday, August 25th, 5pm.

And the mother gods are laughing down at me, the calendar-challenged.

Ah well. One more nice relaxing day at home before school starts on Monday.

I can just sit back and relax.

And oversee the kids finishing up the last of their summer math and reading assignments, and clean the house, and buy milk and coffee creamer, and find my missing bedside lamp, amd rearrange the refrigerator the way I'm used to it, and unpack, and do laundry, and get the kids to clean the pool and cut the grass and clean out my car, and get an earful of what they think of having to clean the pool and cut the grass and clean out my car in their last three days of summer vacation.

 I would say I need a vaction, but I'd just have to go through all of the above once again.

Perhaps what I really need is a nice stay at a rest home for the feeble-minded.

But it's good to be home.....


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