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Your mom died. You really miss her. And here it is, those media-saturated days just before Mother's Day. You are not going to be doing any of the things for her that the TV commercials, newspaper ads, e-mail sales pitches and florist shops tell you to do. What you are going to do instead is miss her. You are going to miss her, and you are also going to miss the experience of being a mother's daughter.
I know what that feels like. Although it has been a dozen years since my mom died, each Mother's Day still needs some variation of "special handling." No matter how many years pass, when the spring violets appear, I always remember how I used to pick Mom a bouquet of them for Mother's Day every year, and how she would put them in a special small pale green glass vase. I see those early violets, and always remember. It never goes away.
If you are a mom yourself, part of your day can be taken up with whatever loving things/events your family has devised to make you feel special. But you may also feel a special poignancy at not being able to share that with your own mother.
What can you do to get through this day better for it, as opposed to having to survive it? Plenty.
Set Aside Some Time To Remember Her
Set aside a designated time and place on Mother's Day to remember your mother who died. This does not have to be gloomy. When you miss your mother, after all, it is the good times that you miss. Now is a good time to call forward those fine memories and revisit what a joy they were.
The Mother's Day Picnic
For the first few years after my mom died, Dad and I created a picnic in her honor. The last place I wanted to be was in a restaurant full of mothers and daughters. Mom had loved the out-of-doors and had always created spontaneous picnics for us at the slightest whim. Dad and I had a couple of rules about those picnics.
1. They must be in a pretty place, preferably a spot that Mom had loved.
2. We ate at least one food that she really enjoyed.
3. We could only share happy memories of her, preferably ones that made us laugh.
Share the Wealth
You must know someone else who is also without his or her mother this year. Call them up, and arrange a get-together on Mother's Day. Go for it head-on. Decide to share your favorite memories about your mother with your motherless friend, and ask her to be prepared to share hers with you. Someone who has been through the loss of a beloved mother will understand your need to share stories, and you will understand hers. Think of it as Mothers' Posthumous Introductions. You may wish to suggest that you and your siblings do this if you are not an only child. Every child in the same family has a different "take" on the same parents. The mom you knew may be different from the way your sibling experienced her. Here are some ways to get this started:
1. Bring a few pictures, or a short bit of video.
2. Think up several memories you want to share and discuss the categories with your friend/sibling in advance. ("I laughed so hard when Mom ... ," "I knew she was a great mom when ...," "My mother surprised me so much when ... ," "The best thing Mom ever cooked was ... .") That way you can each take turns sharing these short stories as a way to get the conversation going.
Write Her a Letter
Maybe you had some unsaid things left over when your mother died. Write them out, saying whatever is in your deepest heart. Say what you need to say in as loving a way as possible. Then, in a safe place, burn the letter and let its ashes free in the breezes and winds. Visualize the ashes finding their way to her spirit. Release the feelings that you had about not saying these things.
The Famous Gratitude List
I have written before that when I feel least inclined to write out
