Sibling Rivalry: It's Not Fair!

Faber and Maslish's "Siblings Without Rivalry" is an excellent choice for learning how to deal with your kids constant bickering -- as I recall it's really just a ploy to get more attention from the parents.

At www.FamilyIntel.com ( http://www.FamilyIntel.com ) we've summarized "Siblings Without Rivalry" and many other books on family relationships. The summaries are FREE.

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"I Love You The Purplest" sounds like a great book, I'll have to look for it and share it with my kids.

I remember reading a short story about a wise old woman who was dying and called each of her 3 (grown) kids to her bedside, one by one. She proceeded to whisper in each child's ear that this was a secret for his ears only, and that she really loved him the best. She went on to highlight what was unique and special about him and why she loved him best, and each one went away feeling happy and special and loved.

I've always thought that was a nice story and one instance where a little parental dishonesty goes a long way towards keeping the peace!

There's no real sibling rivalry in my house yet (they are 6 and 4). But I'm assuming that when Ari starts school they'll be much more of it. They'll both have to compete for the little bit of attention I can give them after school and on weekends. My youngest now complains that I don't love her as much as I do others, even though she gets more attention than anyone else in my life. So I'm not ready for it to be exacerbated!! Haha.

- Maria Young

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It never, never ends.   I just smile, and occasionally add the line, "YES! I DO love her better than you."  That usually does the trick!

Ugh, I have three humans and I understand the frustration when your efforts are just met with this stream of never-ending whining and complaints.  Sometimes the rivalry do get to that point where they are actually competing to see who can whine the most!

It's difficult for young children to think in non-egocentric ways because most social and emotional development happens between birth and around age 12.  We eventually learn to feel empathy through early nurturing, along with other emotions that are required to look beyond ourselves and understand how others feel. 

I tend to go the tougher approach where I tell my children "whining hurts Mommmy's ears" and it seems to somewhat curb it. My boys eventually understood that if they use the whine-tone, they will almost never get what they want.

www.RaisingBoysWorld.com ( http://www.RaisingBoysWorld.com )

With three kids, we rarely have the "It's not fair" discussion when it comes to siblings. But we did have one today. Lunch today was apples, cheese, and crackers. One child ate the last three crackers, and immediately "That's not fair!" was heard. I asked what wasn't fair. I was told that Sister eating the last 3 crackers wasn't fair because Child was still hungry.

"Well, did you think to ask me for more crackers? Because there are plenty."

Sometimes, "It's not fair" is spoken when, really, no one even asked if there was a way to make it "more fair". Often in the same type of conversation, Child will say that even though she isn't hungry anymore, it's STILL not fair that someone ate the last three crackers. Hmm.

I really like the book "I Love You The Purplest" by Barbara M. Joosse. It's a picture book that does a great job of illustrating how a parent's love can be different for each child, but equally as intense; that in love, there really are no comparisons that can be made.

And one of my sanity-saving favorite books of all time is Faber and Maslish's Siblings Without Rivalry. Wow! I read this book to help with my own kids, and instead it ended up being like a therapy session for me in understanding just how my own parents' best intentions colored my relationship with my sibling in sometimes unhappy ways. Parents can unintentionally promote rivalries and bad feelings between siblings, even while trying to be fair. This book has worked wonders with my own children, and even helped me in my own current relationship with my sibling (which, despite all, was pretty good to begin with.) Lots of practical ideas.

I did give the book to a friend who I know had a horrible rivalry with her siblings. When she finished reading it, she told me it was life changing for her, and helped her to understand, forgive and forget much of the rivalry pain. Although, she also said that she wished the book were around when she was growing up so that she could have hit her mom over the head with it. Uhm...that good. ;-)

Okay...sorry...my part-time job is in a book store, and this is one of the very few parenting "how to" books that I think is actually worth the money and the reading time. And no, Faber and Mazlish don't send me any dividend checks. :-)

Halushki.com

Great points. I think kids often lack perspective. Many seem to have this sense of entitlement -- a perception that life isn't fair, "you don't know what it's like." Perhaps due to being sheltered from many harsh realities other children have to face? I think it's also probably an issue of insecurity. I'm a twin. Growing up was hard for my sister. Because of my health problems, I got to spend a lot of time with my mom at doctors and things.

I think when you're a kid it can be hard to understand that there are different shoes others have to walk in. Maybe kids have trouble putting themselves in those shoes.

You seem like a really fair mom, though. It's unfortunate that your kids don't always see that. It must hurt your feelings. It seems you are teaching them to be optimistic and grateful. I think that's awesome. I will definitely subscribe to your blog. This article is great.

I blog about my health and disability issues regularly at http://loveablehomebody.blogspot.com/

I remember when I was about 10, a friend of mine serving fruit salad at a midnight feast.  She started going "a slice of peach for you, a slice of peach for Anna, a slice of peach for me.  A grape for you, a grape for..."

I remember just laughing.

I read somewhere, somebody said  - "If life were fair, we would deserve everything that happens to us."