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Sparkle (1)
Years ago, during a particularly difficult time in my life, I spent the day with a friend. She didn't have a car, so I picked her up and took her to lunch and shopping in a nearby city.
She complained all day long. She had to walk to work. She hated living in the city. The grocery near her was terrible. And oh, enough about her - what did I think about her? I was a counselor - didn't I have any advice? She never asked me how I was doing, or responded to anything I said about how much my life may or may not have sucked at the time.
I took her to the grocery store on the way home. She didn't thank me for the ride when she hopped out of my car, and far from her request that we "do this again real soon," I never spoke to her again.
I don't remember exactly how I handled the end of our friendship, and I can't say I was proud of it then, or am now. I'm the kind of people-pleaser you generally want on your team. I took some hits from others who thought I was being mean, or intolerant, or needed to pull "one more chance" out of the hat. But for whatever reason, I just couldn't do it. I'd finally gotten less patient with toxic personality traits, and carrying way more than my share of any sort of load in a voluntary relationship. This was the first time I'd quite simply said, "Enough," (even if it was under my breath) and meant it.
It wasn't easy. If you break up with a romantic partner, you can write a pop song or bad poetry (please not both!) and try to move on. Outside of the "can't we still be friends?" dilemma, no one expects you to maintain a daily or even intermittent relationship with a person who either just isn't that into you anymore, or about whom you've decided the same. Breaking up might be hard to do, but it's pretty normal.
Breaking up with a friend? Not so simple, and a bit more unusual. But sometimes, quite simply the best, if certainly difficult, option.
Julia Feldmeier's article in last week's Washington Post addressed this challenging life choice. She considers the various ways a friendship can end - the so-called "quick and dirty", or the more drawn out, some might say passive-aggressive approach.
First, an unreturned phone call and an ignored text message. Then a delayed e-mail, mildly apologetic, but, alas, life has been so hectic, so busy. You'll get together soon, really! The use of exclamation points is intended to suggest sincerity, earnestness...This, of course, is misleading. It's the phaseout, the nonconfrontational and oft-preferred method of ending relationships.
She concludes,
That is why breakups are so bittersweet. No matter how unsatisfying or destructive our friends may have become, we've invested in them. Bound to us by shared experiences and memories, they're hard to delete from our lives. Nostalgia is difficult to shake loose.
Perhaps that's why so many of us hope for the subtle phaseout: a way to distance ourselves without burning bridges. We keep the door open for the small possibility of reconciliation, the chance that they'll change, that we'll change -- or that circumstances will find us together again, in need of company, if not friendship.
Has your friendship with someone become so dramatic, unhealthy, or troublesome that it needs to end for your sanity? Is the only reason why you're still friends with this person because you don't want to hurt their feelings or incur their wrath of you deserting them?
If so, they give a seven-step process to deal with it, including the way-too-difficult:
Decide to what extent you want to 'break up.' Do you want to bump it down from 'best friends' to 'close friends' or even to 'acquaintances?' Do you want to stop hanging out, or even talking, altogether?
Carmen from Diasporic Discontents has had some break-ups with friends that felt just fine, but a recent one has her reeling.
A long-time friend and I recently "broke up" and it's been having the strangest effect of me. I've been experiencing an entire spectrum of emotions and fluctuate between them all at the drop of a hat...I've been going through the five stages of grief pretty rapidly.
