It's Not Me, It's You - the Art and Sadness of Friendship Break-ups
by lauriewritesYears ago, during a particularly difficult time in my life, I spent the day with a friend. She didn't have a car, so I picked her up and took her to lunch and shopping in a nearby city.
She complained all day long. She had to walk to work. She hated living in the city. The grocery near her was terrible. And oh, enough about her - what did I think about her? I was a counselor - didn't I have any advice? She never asked me how I was doing, or responded to anything I said about how much my life may or may not have sucked at the time.
I took her to the grocery store on the way home. She didn't thank me for the ride when she hopped out of my car, and far from her request that we "do this again real soon," I never spoke to her again.
I don't remember exactly how I handled the end of our friendship, and I can't say I was proud of it then, or am now. I'm the kind of people-pleaser you generally want on your team. I took some hits from others who thought I was being mean, or intolerant, or needed to pull "one more chance" out of the hat. But for whatever reason, I just couldn't do it. I'd finally gotten less patient with toxic personality traits, and carrying way more than my share of any sort of load in a voluntary relationship. This was the first time I'd quite simply said, "Enough," (even if it was under my breath) and meant it.
It wasn't easy. If you break up with a romantic partner, you can write a pop song or bad poetry (please not both!) and try to move on. Outside of the "can't we still be friends?" dilemma, no one expects you to maintain a daily or even intermittent relationship with a person who either just isn't that into you anymore, or about whom you've decided the same. Breaking up might be hard to do, but it's pretty normal.
Breaking up with a friend? Not so simple, and a bit more unusual. But sometimes, quite simply the best, if certainly difficult, option.
Julia Feldmeier's article in last week's Washington Post addressed this challenging life choice. She considers the various ways a friendship can end - the so-called "quick and dirty", or the more drawn out, some might say passive-aggressive approach.
First, an unreturned phone call and an ignored text message. Then a delayed e-mail, mildly apologetic, but, alas, life has been so hectic, so busy. You'll get together soon, really! The use of exclamation points is intended to suggest sincerity, earnestness...This, of course, is misleading. It's the phaseout, the nonconfrontational and oft-preferred method of ending relationships.
She concludes,
That is why breakups are so bittersweet. No matter how unsatisfying or destructive our friends may have become, we've invested in them. Bound to us by shared experiences and memories, they're hard to delete from our lives. Nostalgia is difficult to shake loose.
Perhaps that's why so many of us hope for the subtle phaseout: a way to distance ourselves without burning bridges. We keep the door open for the small possibility of reconciliation, the chance that they'll change, that we'll change -- or that circumstances will find us together again, in need of company, if not friendship.
Has your friendship with someone become so dramatic, unhealthy, or troublesome that it needs to end for your sanity? Is the only reason why you're still friends with this person because you don't want to hurt their feelings or incur their wrath of you deserting them?
If so, they give a seven-step process to deal with it, including the way-too-difficult:
Decide to what extent you want to 'break up.' Do you want to bump it down from 'best friends' to 'close friends' or even to 'acquaintances?' Do you want to stop hanging out, or even talking, altogether?
Carmen from Diasporic Discontents has had some break-ups with friends that felt just fine, but a recent one has her reeling.
A long-time friend and I recently "broke up" and it's been having the strangest effect of me. I've been experiencing an entire spectrum of emotions and fluctuate between them all at the drop of a hat...I've been going through the five stages of grief pretty rapidly.
Vikki Ortiz, who blogs about the "adventures, disappointments, relationships and revelations of 20- and 30- somethings living in Milwaukee," for the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel is making some similar decisions.
I think breakups with girlfriends are, in some ways, even harder than breakups with guys, because they go against everything we've told ourselves about friendship since we were little. We signed our fourth-grade yearbooks with "Friends Forever," and honestly believed that's the way it would be...
After fourth grade, however, you start realizing that circumstance has a lot to do with why you are friends. If you don't have the same teachers, classmates, neighbors, roommates or whatever to talk about, you really have to find other ways to relate. History can only get you so far.
To complicate things further, your personalities begin to mature and evolve, which is mostly a good thing - except that it also can make us unrecognizable to the people who only knew your "before" version.
That's the situation I'm dealing with right now.
Brian Finch of Acid Reflux (also Miss Retrovirus) writes a lot, and well, about living HIV positive, and a little bit recently about a friendship running its course.
Just as with a boyfriend, one cannot just overlook the bad stuff and focus on the good in hopes of it just going away or not being bothersome. You can be a giving, caring, and a good person. But if the negatives remain, the resentment builds.
Sometimes the break-up isn't inevitable. Felicia C. Sullivan wrote recently on the Huffington Post about "How to Prevent the Best Friend Bust-up", after a potentially friendship-ending conflict with one of her closest friends. They found that communication was key, and often difficult - a funny thing in a world where it's supposed to be so easy.
It's a tragic irony that in our technologically advanced society, where one is able to reach someone in a myriad of ways (text, phone, email, blackberry, and the dinosaur: the letter), communication breakdowns run rampant and can destroy a friendship. Set aside time to have those critical conversations, preferably in person. Never engage in the email flame-war! Even with our frenetic schedules, Kate and I made a point to do the mid-week check-in.
Lain Ehmann, aka Knit and Purl Grrl of Scraphappy wrote an article a few years back called "Now It's Time to Say Goodbye: Ending Friendships", which Little Kou recently posted.
For many women, friendships are among the most important things in their lives. Some assume that the longer the duration of the friendship, the better the friend. But that's not necessarily true... The decision to terminate any relationship should come only after you've concluded that the connection is unsalvageable and you're better off without that person in your life. Remind yourself that ending things is the best decision in the long run, and that doing so will make room in your life for more positive, nurturing people.
Something inside of me snapped, or died, or whatever happens when something breaks off or ends, the day I decided to "break up" with my friend. This was not unusual behavior on her part, and I started to wonder why I tolerated it. I didn't have anything left to give, much less the will to approach the subject. I just knew that whatever I needed in my life at the time, she didn't have it. And more than that, she was sapping my energy when I just didn't have any to spare.
Sometimes you just have to take care of yourself. A good friend will help you out with that important task, and chances are any break-ups in those essential, supportive relationships really are just "breaks".
Laurie White blogs at LaurieWrites
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Comments
The ebb and flow of friendship...
This post really resonated with me as I've just reconnected with a friend I had more or less willingly let go almost ten years ago. Our lives were taking us in different directions, both personally and physically, and we just didn't have that common ground anymore. Communication kind of fizzled away. Out of the blue, she contacted me through LinkedIn and we met virtually this past weekend in Second Life, the 3D virtual online world. It was great! I look forward to the next phase of our friendship.
LizG
http://pixeltheatre.wordpress.com
http://bitsnbites.wordpress.com
Wow, Second Life reconnection!
That's something I never would have thought of.
I have friends who have drifted away only to show back up later, as well. I've changed jobs and cities, careers, even, and am one of the few women in my circle who hasn't gotten married and now had children, so I find myself in different places with friendships on a regular basis. I really do find that the ones that had the strongest cores - shared experience, interests, and increasingly, values of how to treat other people and especially friends - have lasted. Either they've never flagged or been reborn in a different, usually better, form.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
Laurie
LaurieWrites
Lovely discussion of friendships among women
-
I learned to be relaxed about the ebb and flow of friendships, some times on, some times not. The lesson came from an experience with a woman I was quite friendly with, we had theater tickets together, went out for dinner often, etc. She was unreliable however -- this drove me crazy -- and would cancel at the last minute, not show, etc. Some months later I learned that she and her family had been doing hospice for her brother who was dying of AIDS, privately, without others knowing. Now when someone (or if I) disappears for awhile, or whose behavior changes, I let it go and let it sort itself out. Or not. Either way, no 'break-up' required, there's a FF constancy that doesn't demand the relationship to remain the same.
I'm all about the ebb and flow myself.
I'm a pretty flexible friend - I understand life stress and the impact it has. My best friends and I can shoot straight about that sort of thing, which tends to help - like Felicia wrote on the Huffington Post.
I haven't been the most reliable friend lately, either, with starting school and family stuff. But most of the blog posts and articles spoke to friends who, regardless of family or life stress, just aren't thoughtful, take you for granted, or treat you badly on a regular basis. That can show itself in lots of ways. And sometimes changes are necessary - the ebb has to be forced, I guess. I know for me, my time is too precious - I want to spend what I have with the best people I can, and that's unfailingly people who don't make me feel bad about myself, and who are there for me and me for them when we can manage it.
Reading up on this also reaffirmed for me that there aren't many easy answers in interpersonal relationships - it's a lifelong learning experience. I still find the "do unto others" bit to be pretty reliable. : )
Laurie
LaurieWrites
Reconnecting
During your whole article I had one particular friend in mind who had broken up with me. She did the same thing--stopped returning phone calls and emails, and I was confused and upset and resentful. She tried to reconnect with me after a couple of years, but I guess I was the one not ready at that time, and we again drifted.
I think LizG is right in saying there is something to think about in reconnecting. Now it's been almost 10 years. I recently found her online and have started talking again. I don't believe we'll ever be as good friends as we were before, but there is something nice about reconnecting with someone when you are able to let go of all past resentment and start over with no expectations.
Laura
http://girlebooks.com/blog
It's hard when you don't know why or what
caused the rift.
This is where the communication comes in, as Felicia pointed out in her excellent piece - but sometimes one or the other isn't ready, as you say - either because there's too much weirdness or by then there are hurt feelings and it's really hard to work through those...
I'm glad you reconnected with your friend, anyway. Sometimes starting over on fresh ground is the best way to go. I really do believe that relationships can be incredibly dynamic and resilient, if we're willing and/or able to invest the time and energy at first or even again.
Laurie
LaurieWrites
Changing times
I too have lost and ended friendships friendships. The break-ups were usually caused by our being out of synch on some level. I've never really felt like the end of these relationships, however, was as hard as the loss of a spouse or partner. Perhaps I have different investments in each.That said, there is nothing like a best friend!
Helene
http://themodernwomansdivorceguide.com
I guess it depends on how good of friends you
are.
And also how much you like your spouse. ; )
Seriously, I'm with you on the "out of sync" comment...and also agree that there's nothing like a best friend, or even five!
Laurie
LaurieWrites
In losing my best friend, a part of me has
died
Thank you for this post.
Five months ago, my best friend (who was like my sister, and since I don't have family this sister connection was deeply important to me) decided to end our friendship. I haven't heard from her since.
I could tell that she didn't really want to end the friendship, she even said "This is so difficult for me because I really enjoy our friendship.... but...."
She talked about how much pressure it was for her, that our friendship had become a stress.
I proposed the idea of taking a "time out" (since she was going out of town for several months to spend time with relatives), and she said it was a "great idea" and that she'd call before she left town for vacation, but no call. No word. Nothing. That was May 7.
I haven't called her, because I want to respect her space. But there are so many questions... As the days go by, the questions become more numerous and the confusion grows. As does the pain. In fact, I hurt more and more each day.
I wish there were answers to my questions.
I was never mean to Melissa. We never argued. We had a very positive friendship. BUT, I was insecure and constantly worried, and never did like the guys she dated (except one, I did like one). All I ever wanted to do was be a good friend to her. I just wanted her to have the best, but I guess I wasn't the "the best".
I guess, based on your article, I wasn't what she needed. Perhaps, our relationship became toxic (because of my constant need for reassurance).
Questions --
Even though you felt the need to leave this friend for the sake of self-preservation, do you still care for and love that friend? Do you resent them or harbor any ill-will toward them? Did you (or do you) try to erase them from your memory and act as though they never existed? Do you ever think of them and miss them, and hope that they somehow understand and forgive you for abandoning them? If that friend asked you for forgiveness, would you (do you) forgive them? Would you ever consider reconnecting with them sometime down the road?
It kills to know that I failed my friend. I gave her everything I could, except the one thing she wanted/needed most - my full and complete trust. I kills to not know if she's happy or sad, that she might resent me or hate me. It kills to know she'll get married and I won't know if he's a nice guy, what her name is, or be with her when she has kids. She has erased me from my life as if I didn't even matter. And now, I have nothing....
But, despite the overwhelming pain - this hell - I do love my friend enough to wish the best for her (even if I'm not it).
I just hope and pray she doesn't hate me.
And that she can forgive me.
And that this pain will somehow subside, so that I breathe (and live) again.
Danielle
acancerfreeutah@gmail.com
Danielle, I'm really sorry you're going
through this.
The friendship I ended was with someone who was nowhere near as dear to me as your friend is to you. There is absolutely no resentment or ill will, if we lived in the same city there might be some occasion to see each other, and that would be fine, and if I were to erase someone from my memory it'd be an ex, so I'll save that superpower, thanks. ; ) It was a situational thing - I was struggling to reestablish myself in my hometown and was very depressed. I couldn't be a single-source support system. I also knew her to be very temperamental and dramatic and just couldn't face any conversations to "work things out". That means there's really no need for forgiveness, per se, on either side. I made a choice for my own well-being, as I have done a couple of times with other relationships, and sometimes that means everyone isn't happy. It's an unfortunate fact of life.
Friendships are voluntary. That means we choose to give of our time and support, so if it's not a good situation, it's important to make sure we're not spending either in the wrong place. This is a very personal decision for everyone.
That said, I think it's important not to put all your eggs in one friend's basket. (How's that for a terrible metaphor? ; ) ) It's important to have a variety of people who meet different needs. When I was young I was in some more "exclusive" best friend relationships, like a lot of people, but as I've grown older I've met more people and expanded my circle. I still have a few people who I consider my "best" friends, the people who I call when things fall apart or are going really, really well. I hope you have other people in your life to fill these roles, because one person just can't, and shouldn't. I know I can drive people crazy one-on-one after a while, and can be driven crazy in the same situation. It sounds like your investment might have been overwhelming for her (I'm no Oprah so of course I'm just speculating!) but you can't know that if she won't speak to you, so I'd try to take care of yourself and focus on positive things moving forward, not hinging on one person. Easier said than done, I know, but very important.
Best of luck to you.
Laurie
LaurieWrites
stopped returning phone
I do this. I'm not proud of it -- taking the "chicken" way out -- but I do it. When you're the breaker it's hard to find that middle ground between being too subtle, and being too confrontational.
Available Light & Five Dollar Radio
I've done it myself.
And both times, it was because I was afraid of the other person's reaction, based on what I knew about their communication style and what I thought would be an impossible and fractious discussion. In one case I regret it, and in one I don't....I hope I'm growing enough that I won't have to handle things this way anymore, but I know myself to be a work in progress, and what I intend isn't always how it works out!
Laurie
LaurieWrites
relationships just change
I suspect this is something that everyone goes through at some point.... And I have 3 different takes on it, all of which end with a single question: do you feel good about your own behavior? If so, you should be able to let go. If not, then you should be able to learn, and then let go. Either way, forward is the only way to go, armed with both confidence and lessons learned.
I am currently going through the end of what I thought was a close friendship. However, he and I (and lots of other people) had a big group experience, in which I saw him exhibit behavior that I found utterly reprehensible in its treatment of others. It was clear to me that I could not have a relationship with someone who would treat others this way, and I made it very clear to him that I was opting out of our friendship - and the group in which it was formed - as a direct result of this behavior. I told him clearly why i could not tolerate it, what it meant to me, and that I hoped it would spark discussion and, perhaps, change. But it did not, as such the friendship ended. So I ask myself, "Do I feel good about my behavior?" And the answer is YES. So I have let it go. And it was surprisingly simple.
I have had a friend "dump" me unexpectedly, and was stunned by it. Through emails, swearing it had nothing to do with me, that she loved me but our friendship was too intense and she was confused by it. She swore I didn't do anything wrong, and I believe her, but it stunned me and I was floored for a while. (This was years ago, I suspect I'd have an easier time now.) But again, I asked myself if i felt good about my behavior, and I did, so I was able to let it go.
In some cases, however, relationships end because of behavior that we don't feel good about. And that's okay too. Really. As long as it doesn't continue. So although we may not get a chance to revisit that relationship and "fix" it, we do always have the opportunity to learn from it, and not make the same mistakes in other relationships. Everything is an opportunity to learn.
Especially if the "offending" behavior is the result of insecurity, or fear or anything else which makes us act in a way that confuses even us.
Lastly, all relationships have an ebb and flow. They change shape, meaning, importance, patterns..... But just because something changes, doesn't mean it has gone away, or is "less." I think that the ability to let a relationship change is a sign of trust and respect for the relationship, and the people in it. Clinging to what is will, by virtue of its grip, lessen the potential of what can be. Some of my closest friend are people that I used to see every day,and now only talk to once a year, but they still mean the world to me.
And some friendships just plain slip away, and that's okay too. We need to experience things, but don't necessarily need to collect things.
Learn from it. Don't repeat it. Grow from it. Go forward.
But seize every opportunity to improve who you are, and how you interact with the world around you.
___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE
make some good news!
www.JustCauseIt.com
Good thoughts, Alyssa.
Thanks for adding to this discussion. I like what you say about not needing to "collect" things and of course the ebb and flow is natural and real. All of my relationships change all the time...but I think the trouble begins when one person is ready or okay with that and another isn't. It can be painful and confusing and difficult. Peace with that can take some time, especially with any animosity involved. It takes confidence to address troubles with our relationships - I could tell from the blogs that it was an important issue...I'm glad the discussion here has shown that too.
Laurie
LaurieWrites
So I hit post and then I see...
*Great* post! I linked to a blog on this topic in my sex & relationships post today, and right as I'm checking the home page to make sure it looks OK, I spied your post in the BlogHer comments section! So I added a link in my post to this post.
It's so interesting how things float out there - this seems to be a big topic with my friends in the past few weeks, too.
Liz Rizzo
I blog at Everyday Goddess.
The Friend Who Got Away...
There is a good anthology of essays on this topic:
http://www.amazon.com/Friend-Who-Got-Away-Friendships/dp/0767917197/ref=...
Claire Mysko
5 Resolutions to Transform the Fashion and Beauty Industries
That's such a great tip, Claire!
Thank you so much. I'm adding another book to my wishlist...
I'm honestly amazed at how much is out there on this topic. I'm really glad we're having this discussion...the feedback has been so useful.
Laurie
LaurieWrites
Wow, what a great topic!
Like you Laurie, I'm the single one with no kids in my circle of friends and that has been extremely difficult at times.
Friendships can often be like the guy you thought was one type of person and then after two dates you find out he's a totally different kind of person. I had a friend who I thought was one type of person and when she started dating a particular guy, who she later married, I saw a side of her that was never apparent when she wasn't with this guy. I remember thinking later that if I'd met her while she was with this man, we would have never become friends. The person she became was someone I didn't like anymore.
All of a sudden, I was the one who was supposed to compromise (about dinner choices, movie choices, etc...because I was single and it was so much "easier" for me. She and her husband never had to compromise for me.
Worse than that however, was her attitude that I was no longer valuable to her as a friend because I wasn't with a guy. She somehow had raised herself far above me because now she was part of a couple. I felt dumped and marginalized and it was very, very difficult.
When it got to the point that I felt depressed after all of my interactions with her, I had to back off. That was extremely hard because other friends were involved who were part of our circle and they now had to adjust...spliting their time between us.
It took a long time for all of it to shake out and the result is I still see this woman, but only a couple of times of year. And though "the breakup" was horrible and hurt for a long, long time, I don't regret backing off from what had become a very destructive relationship for me.
Megan
Megan's Minute
I've been through this a little bit, Megan...
I think that's so horrible. Sorry for the judgment but it just is. I've been coupled some and mostly single in recent years, and if someone treated me like that I'd also have a very hard time maintaining the friendship. I do understand when people start a new relationship it's really easy to get caught up in it and there's that typical period where you're infatuated and might let other relationships slide. And I also know how important it is to maintain that connection with a partner. But friends are important too, and I think can bring a lot to a marriage/partnership...extending the circle, if you will. No one can be all things to anyone...and certainly no one should be made to feel less-than-whatever because of relationship status. That's craziness...Anytime anyone's ever mentioned my single status in even a vaguely negative way (hi Aunt Theresa!) I tell them next time they're in the Quality Man Store and they see a spare one lying around, to make sure and pick him up for me. This is a topic I'm not afraid to be direct about, because I'm not about to comment on other peoples' relationship status. Yuck.
I've been pretty lucky to have good relationships with most of my friends' spouses. I have a policy not to wear out my welcome when invited over and whatnot, and understand that family activities are important - but I've been included quite a bit and not such a third wheel.
Here's to healthier relationships. ; )
Laurie
LaurieWrites
It's Very Difficult, but Worth It
This was great. I wrote about this topic back in May and the two toxic friends I wrote about happened to find my post(http://lepetitchic.typepad.com/le_petit_chic/2007/05/toxic.html) though I never intended for them to read it. It was more of a vent for me. In the end, it turned out to be a good thing because my post and their reaction to it became a catalyst for my husband to finally get rid of these guys due to their lack of respect for my husband, for me and for our relationship.
It's been very trying because they were both very angry and have sadly turned it into a situation where they're twisting reality and having other mutual friends take sides. Ultimately, however, it has been so uplifting to get these guys out of our lives and it made us even more grateful for the wonderfully supportive friends we do have.
It's tough when your partner is involved.
I've been in a few weird situation with friends of my boyfriends over the years....uncomfortable, to say the least. Glad things have worked out with you and your husband on that count, though. That's the most important thing in this case, it sounds like.
Laurie
LaurieWrites
Regrets from years past
I had a best friend from grade school up through junior high. Somewhere during my eighth grade year I decided I'd had enough of what I considered her "copying." She stole my personality, I reasoned, when she borrowed my clothes, talked the same way I did, copied my handwriting and even the little doodles I made on my notebooks. As a young teenager trying to carve out her own personality, I decided I couldn't do it with a tag-along "stealer," so I did the typical immature thing and wrote her a note, telling her why I wouldn't be her friend anymore. Other than the occasional run-in, I didn't speak or hang out with her again.
Years later in our junior year of high school, that same friend ended up pregnant and dropped out of school. My guilt then caught up to me. With a bit more maturity, I realized she had just been trying to find herself too and I was probably some sort of role model to her. Instead of helping or guiding her, I dropped her on her butt. I felt that because of my careless and callous attitude, I had started this chain reaction that led to what I saw as a "tragic downfall."
I'm sure this is a slippery slope, but I still to this day can't help but wonder what I really did to that poor girl whose best friend (me) cut off ties for her merely mirroring someone she admired.
I wish I had taken the higher road.
Just the Way It Is - A laugh, an epiphany, a like-minded soul
The weight of the world can be heavy.
If we all blamed ourselves for what we did in junior high, we'd probably spend our lives in (more) therapy. ; ) One of the points of my post, I think, was that we can't be all things to all people. Or even one, sometimes.
Sure, it would have likely been better not to cut her off, but there are two sides to every relationship, and responsibilities on each. By your logic, you'd be responsible for her success or failure throughout her life - something that has way more factors than one friend could or should ever be in charge of.
Just my take, but I'd give yourself a big break in this case.
Laurie
LaurieWrites
You're so RIGHT!
My neighbor moved away two years ago. Although she moved several states away, we promised to keep in touch. We had done everything together. She moved; I got a couple email forwards from her, and then she dropped off the face of the Earth. The most upsetting thing is not knowing why; and you're right that friendship break-ups can hurt worse than other relationship break ups.
Link TextBlack Belt Mama
I'm sorry, BlackBeltMama.
I lived in Ohio for five years and made some great friends there. I am in good touch with exactly ONE of those people, intermittent touch with some people that I spoke to every single day and no touch with others. Distance is a crazy thing. I do wish you had at least some contact with your neighbor - e-mail has made my distant friendships/family relationships stay as intact as they can be.
Have you tried to e-mail her lately? Maybe you could try to break the ice again? Sometimes little misunderstandings and things we just overlook for basic "busyness" and getting caught up in our lives can blow up into bigger ones over time...
Laurie
LaurieWrites
You teach people how to treat you....
I have dumped two friends in my time and have felt a considerable amount of guilt over it. I now believe that we teach people how to treat us.I can now see that in the past I've let friends cross over my personal boundaries without speaking up. After a long time this passive approach becomes dishonest because you build a lot of resentment towards that person and it can lead to a dramatic break up that may have been avoided by some good old fashioned honesty.
In hindsight I now wish I had spoken up for myself and not let the situation get to a point where I've had to break up so painfully.
Looking back I was more mad with myself for being so weak and allowing myself to be mistreated. This behaviour meant that the breakups were quite a shock for my friends as I'd not demonstrated any dissatisfaction with their behaviour up until that point. I literally waited till I snapped and then dumped them.
Their faults were merely a refelection of my own flaws.
Dumping can often be the easy way out, talking and trying to resolve issues insteadwould facilitate much more personal growth.
I understand projection and reflection...
but I can't go there with you to their faults being a reflection of your own flaws entirely.
Sometimes people are mean, or selfish, or just not right for us and it takes awhile to reach that conclusion. I don't like conflict, and of course it's easy to go longer than one ought to in dealing with it...Some relationships are worth working out through talking, resolving, etc - as some of the bloggers I linked to indicated. Some, though - not so much.
I believe that we do teach people how to treat us, but it shouldn't necessarily be a full-time job, and also that some people have no interest in learning. And I should add that I don't think ongoing animosity is ever really okay - but it is okay, in my opinion, to determine that someone no longer warrants a central role in your life anymore.
Laurie
i think I am being dumped -
It is sometimes harder to be the dumpee but for once i realized that it is not my problem. this wooman is very unhappy and frankly, there is nothing I can do about it and lately I have felt veyr used by her, very. I won't get specific in case, for some bizarre reason shhe finds this post but suffice it to say, I have decided if she wants to talk, she knows my number. I used to get so upset over this stuff and blame myself. I'M DONE.
There are millions of people in the world and I don't need that many in my life to make it full. It took over 35 years to come to this conclusion but really it is her loss.
How about that for self esteem!:)
Good for you, Jessica.
Last year a person I considered a friend treated me very badly. I told her that I couldn't help her with a project becaue I considered it cheating. She wouldn't take the "No" and kept pressing me. I told her that I didn't appreciate this, and that it had taken me many years to get the courage to say "NO" and mean it, without fear of retribution or loss of friendships. She said, "Do you have to start with me?"
Some people are (sometimes almost) never satisfied. Feeling used does not feel good..and self-blame is usually excessive...imho.
Laurie
Hi there. I'm new to
Hi there. I'm new to blogher, and am loving it so far!
After reading this post over a week ago, I definitely did some soul searching. I'm a 30 year old married women of a year.
Over the past year, I've somehow lost the girlfriends I had as bridesmaids in my wedding. The 3 of them seem to have faded away from me.
What would anyone else say to this situation? I know it's not uncommon but I've definitly done my fair share of putting fourth effort to stay in touch. Emails, calls and invites, but NOTHING.
I can't even remember the last time any of them asked how I was doing.
After almost a year, I'm having dinner at one of their houses tonight. Now, I just hope it really is just her and I like old times, and that she doesn't invite the whole crew of girls over - that I'm not even close too.
Happily married, but lost some friends...