It's okay to hate yoga.

I want to like yoga. I really do. I want to be one of those yoga
people. I want the cute outfits and to feel all at peace with the
world. My only problem is that I hate yoga. This is a huge issue. It
also has made me realize why I don’t eat sushi. I so badly want to be
one of those sushi people, as well. I’m just afraid I’ll hate it and
then where will I be? Shunned by the masses because I only eat cooked
fish? Sounds less appealing that ingesting raw octopus.

I went to a new yoga class at the gym. It was the longest hour of my entire life. It looked something like this:

10:58 – Excellent, I am early. Is Mr. Clean the yoga teacher? Please don’t play that chanting music, mmmm’kay?

11:05 – Okay, full room. Most everyone is older than me. I’m doing
pretty well. I know it’s only the first five minutes but I am certain I
can kick everyone’s ass at this. Wait. Is yoga even a competitive sport?

11:12 – Thank you Mr. Clean for your exemplary skills in selecting
suitable yoga music and not subjecting me to chanting music. However, I
will be forwarding you a memo with a list of songs that I can’t hear
without feeling the need to sing along. My desire to belt out “Levon”
is distracting me. Don’t you know he was born a pauper to a pawn on a
Christmas Day when the New York Times said God was dead?

11:14 – “Levon” not withstanding I simply cannot balance on one of
anything. Feet, hands, knees, you name it. My mind and body don’t
function correctly as individual entities. You want me to try getting
them to do what I want together? Sure. I’m starting to dislike you, Mr.
Clean.

11:22 – Oh my God. Only 22 minutes have passed. Will this never end?
I loathe yoga. Parts of me are twitching that I do not want twitching
unless I’m sequestered away with a member of the opposite sex. Are we
listening to John Mayer? John Mayer… Opposite sex…. John Mayer…. Shit,
I’m falling over.

11:26 – Can I just sit in Child Pose for the next 34 minutes? I
swear, I’ll bring a note from my mom for the next class. I wonder how
noticeable it would be if I went to the bathroom and never came back.
It worked on a date once. It could work here.

11:38 – How often do they clean these mats? Why didn’t I bring my own? Something in here smells like feet.

11:43 – Alright, look little girl to the right of me. I get it. You
can bend in half way better than I can. It’s because you’re short.
Okay? There I said it. I didn’t want to have to get nasty but you’re
showing off and I don’t appreciate it. I can’t help it if God made me
long limbed. There is a hell of a lot more distance between my
midsection and the floor than for you. Stop making me feel inferior you
little bitch! God.

11:51 – Tree Pose. Great. Brilliant. I am certain that if you gave a
flamingo a really significant amount of cocaine it would look exactly
as I do now. Can we just end this?

11:58 – Excellent. The lie in Corpse Pose part of the afternoon. I
like this part. I am really good at pretending to be dead. I should
have thought of this earlier. It’s much easier to act like you’ve died
rather than to pull off faking a collapsed lung effectively.

Mr. Clean gives us the typical yoga speech about sharing your
practice with those around you. Sadly, I don’t think he realizes that
I’m only here to try and firm up my ass and not to increase my level of
social engagement. I’ll keep that to myself. I high tailed it out of
the room before anyone could see my face in real light and someday
recognize me as the Girl for Fell Over All the Time During Yoga Class.
That would be embarrassing. Accurate, but embarrassing.

If you hate yoga, no one really cares. It’s not like you’re going to
get to the pearly gates and St. Peter is going to ask to see your side
plank pose. Find something else to do. Side note: it is also okay to
buy all the cute little outfits and prance around as though you
actually DO yoga. Or, to try meditation. All the mental bliss and calm
without having to actually MOVE. This is ideal if you are a lazy ass
like myself.

Next week: Vanessa tries the New York City Ballet Workout. Oh yeah. Good times are ahead.

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