I'm Failing at This SAHM Stuff: I Need a Job

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So I've been all, "Yeah, I can be a stay-at-home mom! Yeah, my house is a mess and we live out of laundry baskets and dinner is still a total pain in the ass most days but hey, I'm hangin' with my kids!"

I've hosted a gazillion playdates. (Max, on the other hand, refuses to go to any. So they are always at our house.) I make snacks. I help kids ride bikes. I take Ben to the playground in the mornings and pick up Max from preschool and play and have the kids help with some chores and all that. I'm focused. I'm there (except, of course, when I am checking email or Facebook on my phone, which happens kind of a lot).

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I pulled Max out of preschool one day a week to send him to a kids' cooking class. I've signed Ben up for a toddler music class (more like a singalong/movement/bang on instruments sort of thing). I'm doing it. I'm mommying.

I'm also becoming the most irritable cranky bitch known to mankind. I am totally fed up by mid-afternoon. The tone of I tend to use can sound harsh even to me. I have started swearing a lot. Last night, C came into the kitchen where I was holed up with my laptop after a loooooong day and a very loooooong, arduous bedtime during which I practically wanted to smother the kids with pillows or else pack a quick bag and leave my family forever. By the time it was all done, I firmly told C that I would be incommunicado for half an hour and wanted to be left completely alone.

Poor guy made the mistake of coming in to throw some forks in the dishwasher. Sure, he was just trying to clean up, but did he have to be so loud about it?

"I need QUIET!" I shrieked. "I want to be ALONE! NO NOISE! Can I just HAVE THAT FOR TWENTY MINUTES, FOR FUCK'S SAKE?"

I have never bragged about being an awesome wife, have I? Or, like, an awesome person at all?

Sensing I was a little touchy, he promptly left the room and left me alone.

I need to go back to work, methinks. That or I need a sister-wife, one who'll take care of household stuff and with whom I can occasionally leave the kids while I do something (or do nothing).

I'd hoped for a fun summer, and we can still have one, but I think by the time their current class sessions are over six weeks from now, I need to have a part-time contract again and be doing something other than nonstop mothering, or I am going to be a shrieky bitch who cannot stop yelling (or drinking wine as soon as the kids are down for the night). I don't really enjoy being this way, and I don't think I'm the most pleasant person to be around.

My kids don't need a mother who's ever-present but frustrated and short-tempered. And me, well, this is not my best state of being.

So, here I go, looking for work that starts in about six weeks. Work with adults, non-child- or housework-related work. Paying work.

I cannot wait.

 

Julia Magnusson

Blog: http://notlikeacat.blogspot.com/

Twitter: @notlikeacat

Photo Credit: subewl.

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