I've Been Down This Road Before

No sooner had I implemented the “nesting” philosophy in my life (whereby I was casually preparing myself and my home for children) than the doubts started creeping in.  After all, by this point I was hardly a novice at infertility.  I had well-developed defense mechanisms, and they were super-charged in the face of hope and openness. 

I had just finished writing about how part of me wanted to take a risk and believe that I wouldn’t get hurt again.  That I wouldn’t be disappointed.  That God would come through and change my bad perceptions of Him by giving me a baby.  But the ink hadn’t even dried on the page when I continued to write the following:

I find myself looking for assurances.  Wondering “how long?”  When will I know I’m done nesting?  What if a baby still doesn’t come?  Will I be nesting for years and years?  Isn’t this more of the same--a new word from God to hold me over until the next time I fall apart?  Will I look back on this like I did with last spring, or this past fall, and feel like it was just another “spiritual exercise” that I shouldn’t have taken so literally?  Like that placating bullshit about “spiritual” (rather than natural) children?  I mean, I’ve been down this road before--several times this past year, in fact.  And they didn’t end well.  What if this really is more of the same?

The questions were fair.  I had already been down the road of hope and openness, and it was a dead end.  Was I really so bold--so brazen--to think that this time would be different?  That this time, when God said to embrace motherhood, that He would actually deliver a child?  Because nine months of barrenness had passed between now and when I heard Him say a seed of motherhood had started.  And so far it all seemed to be the stuff of visions and proverbs.  Nothing real enough to touch and feel and nurse and rock. 

I mean, I believed what I had heard from God thus far, but what is the point of hearing when everything seemed so cryptic?  Why couldn’t He just say something clear and then follow through with the obvious response? 

I was hoping that this time He would.  But I was hedging a bit that He wouldn’t, too. 

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