Jane, You Ignorant (finish it if you know it)

I am sooooooo stupid. This was proven to me this morning by Dr. Probst, our local vet. I do not hide my stupidity from anyone and this is one of the reasons I have such an interesting blog. Case in point:

Everyone at my house has been sick lately. My youngest just got over a horrible ear infection, my oldest isn't feeling well, my husband missed a day of work this week due to a horrible head cold, and my poor dog Buddy had developed some symptoms which gave me concern enough to call the vet.

If you've read this blog very long, you are aware of a few things about me. I raise Great Pyrenees dogs and we live in the country on a road that runs into a creek, so it's only a through road if you have a 4-wheel drive. Buddy is my 150 lb. male Great Pyrenees, daddy of all the cute little puppies I proudly sell. We have two left from a litter now, almost 11 weeks old. I love my big daddy dog, simply to pieces!

Almost two weeks ago, we came home and Buddy was limping, missing a tiny patch of fur on one leg, and had a lovely new tire mark tattoo on his rear. You would think on a "dead end" road, there would not be much traffic, but we are hicks around here and four wheel drive vehicles are plentiful. Traffic (mostly teenagers and good 'ol boys) will whiz by, careening recklessly around the curve by my house like Mario Andretti. Buddy is a car chaser.

Yes, we've tried a shock collar, but he is a fluffball with an undercoating of thicker fluffball and it didn't do the job, so we are still looking at options to deter him. Most locals are courteous and just slow down to pass by, but some idiots actually try to hit him. Apparently, an idiot visited our neck of the woods that night while we were out.

We examined him and determined all was well. No broken bones, no yelping out when we touched anything, etc. and observed him the next few days. He was fine within three days, bouncing around, running like normal, and engaging in horseplay with his wife, Penny.

Then this past Saturday night, I came home and Buddy came from the back of our property by the woods and he and Penny were both acting funny, skittish, barking and whining, etc. I figured they had a possum up a tree or something. The next day, I noticed Buddy was walking funny, like his back end was hurting and he was whimpering a lot. He started spending a lot of time on the porch laying around and I could tell something wasn't right. Penny would try to play with him and he'd look at her like, "Leave me alone... can't you see I don't feel like playing?"

By Monday evening, he couldn't stand up very well and wasn't gallivanting around like normal, so I decided to check his underside out while he was laying down. I could tell he didn't feel good. I noticed he had some yellow-greenish discharge from his penis, he had a raw area on the inside of the thigh, he was having trouble peeing, and when his peter poked out, it looked angry, red and irritated. He kept looking at me like, "Do something!"

So yesterday, I went to the vet's office to pick up some worming supplies for the dogs and I plopped down into the chair and said to the secretary, "We need to talk about my dog's penis." She looked at me like I was insane, one eyebrow curiously raised. My theory was that when he was hit, something had been damaged down there internally and he now had an infection or injury that wasn't healing. She thought maybe he'd had a fight with coyotes, which is possible. We have some livestock and 12 acres, so we hear them out here all the time and the dogs run them off. She would send doc to my house to take a look, but he couldn't come until mid-morning today.

Early this morning, I checked him again. He willingly opened his legs as if to say, "Help it, my pee pee hurts!" I could immediately see that something was very wrong. Oh, no! His penis was very swollen, he had the discharge again, he was shaking like a leaf, and now he had two very large lumps under the skin about halfway down the shaft. I was sure he had a raging infection or blockage of the urinary tract, or possibly cancer. Poor baby! I took my daughter to school, did my errands at Hell Wal-Mart, and I called the vet first thing to see when he could come over. I was certain Buddy was near death.

When I got home from my errands, Buddy had miraculously transformed into the old Buddy again. He was walking better, the lumps on his penis were gone, and he reluctantly played with Penny a bit, who kept jumping excitedly on his back in an effort to land his attention. "Maybe he had a blockage and he passed it," I thought. I noticed he was still having a bit of trouble peeing and still didn't play like he normally would and his gait still looked a bit stiff, so I decided to go ahead and have the vet check him out.

When the vet arrived, we got Buddy down and rolled over and I began describing the horrible lumps he had earlier. He checked him out and I pointed out the lump location. The vet began his diagnosis, "Okay, in this that location, there are glands..."

I interrupted, "They were huge this morning!" I formed my fingers into unhulled walnut sized circles for visual reference, but the vet interrupted me back.

"Let me finish!" Geez, he sounded so snippy. "Those glands become very enlarged when the dog is sexually excited. He was horny!"

I looked at him and said, "You're kidding me."

"Nope. Your dog was horny. Has he been mating someone? Is your female in heat?"

At that moment, a flood of realization hit me. Shit. Yes, I just cursed. So, sue me.

"Well, she was jumping on him earlier, but she still has puppies that aren't even 11 weeks old! She can't be in heat yet, can she?"

"It's usually every six months, but sometimes they can go in early."

The vet was already hurrying back to his truck as he spoke. I'm not sure if he was hurrying to try and get in the truck before he busted out laughing or if he was extremely perturbed that he had to come to my house for a "my dog is horny" call.

I came back in the house and as I looked out the door at my dogs, I could clearly hear in my head the iconic late '70's voice of Dan Aykroyd on Saturday Night Live Weekend Update saying to Jane Curtin, "Jane, you ignorant slut!"

I started laughing hysterically and couldn't stop. Tears filled my eyes, I couldn't believe how stupid I was. Poor Buddy had been walking funny because he had blue balls! Of course his penis was swollen - he was horny! Of course, he didn't want to "play" with Penny, she was wearing him out with all the sex and that look toward her was, "Oh my God, no, no, no... not again. Bitch, please! I can barely walk, much less urinate! You're killing me. My penis is so engorged, mom had to call the vet, for God's sake."

I was supposed to go to my mom's today, but I had canceled... because my dog was sick a horndog.

I worried about my dog's life and health because he was sick a horndog.

I now know the true meaning of horndog.

Thankfully, the vet didn't charge me for my stupidity, but hey, it's not like I ever look at his pee pee under normal circumstances and I did not have any idea Penny was in heat. None!

I sent my husband a text at work with the news and got the following reply, "Saw work nurse today. Found out why I've been sick. Turns out I'm just horny. Said I need to have sex with my wife immediately!"

I replied, "ha ha."

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