Jealous, yes sometimes but I am just a newbie. I know I have a lot to learn, and a lot to prove before I get the status, mad writing skills and money that other, cooler bloggers have.  Hey but I feel I am doing pretty good for only blogging since April- an interview for a local magazine, a job as editor for a mom site, having my blog post as features and actually deleting requests from people! 

The only issue I have is that jealous feelings runs in all areas of life- I am sure Gossip blogggers get a little green-eyed watching Perez on TV interviewing big celebs or dream about the money he recieves.  I bet my local news anchor dreams one day of touring the globe like Christine Amanpour.    

~Susan                                                                                                                   

http://lilmomthatcould.com/

Ah jealousy, a lot of what I'm blogging about and commenting about elsewhere comes back to this and comes back to what's Fair, capital F. I'm all about justice and who DESERVES what and whether someone has EARNED it. If they have (according to my rules and regulations) great; if they haven't, they're forever scorned (and I'm a Scorpio, watch out!)

But lately, I'm finally finaaaaaaalllly realizing, that's not the only way to measure. Yes, maybe good things sometimes do happen to (if not bad) "undeserving" people, but the more life I live the more I believe in karma and fate - things do happen for a reason... so she got X (new car, blogging fame, 10,000 bloggy hits, a great hubby) and you didn't - it hurts, oh it hurts but... at the very same second, someone else is eyeing what YOU'RE getting and wanting it / wishing it for themselves.

 I'm not trying to be over pollyanna - I say it because it's true. I am dating (and will soon be marrying ) a great guy who first met me at a party when I was recently divorced, bitter of all the happy couples with babies there, and floundering in my career. He wanted me then, at literally my snarkiest worst.  I had NO idea anyone saw me.

p.s. I was a journalist so blogging for blogging sake vs. blogging for money/publication sake is something I'm thinking a lot about. One of the things I LOVE about it, probably the thing I love the BEST is the community, the way I'm on a daily (hourly?) basis discovering all these amazingly talented writers and thinkers and feelers out there in the blogosphere who aren't "professionals" but are among the best talent I've seen (and I'm lucky enough to have worked with some renowned publications.) It's inspiring, truly. So if you think "yah, but no one's  jealous of little old me" you're wrong, I am. Or rather, I'm astounded, impressed, and awed by you.  Truly.

washy || http://washwords.com/words || washwords.dc@gmail.com

I made a tweet a few months back about feeling like the blogging world was akin to high school popularity contests.I got some replies from other bloggers feeling the same thing. and it made me wonder to myself, "If it's feeling like that, what am I doing to contribute to that feeling? I didn't like it in high school so what's going on here and now and what can I do to change my feelings about it."

And then I remembered why I write. Not for free stuff, though it's nice. Not for lots of links, though they're cool. Not for even a lot of friends, though I cherish every friendship I've made. 

I write because it's who I am. It's what I do. I share things and it's great when people comment but even when people don't comment, I FEEL BETTER when I write. It's just who I am. 

And so, when I get one of those feelings, like when I was grumpy that everyone was going to BlogHer and I wasn't, I remind myself that I'm living my life the best way that I know how (and, in that specific case, it was taking my family to camp and celebrating our faith and our family and it was exactly what was needed at the time for the lot of us). I can't do anything more than be the best I can be for my family... and if that doesn't interest the world, that's a-okay by me. 

Because I happen to think I'm super awesome. ;)

FireMom from Stop, Drop & Blog

Also tackling adoption issues from the birth parent perspective at the birth/first parent blog and, on a personal level, at The Chronicles of Munchkin Land.

Could've, should've, would've are the roots of my jealousy. I could've started blogging, I should've been more proactive and cutting edge so that i would've been where those of whom I am sometimes jealous are. Instead of letting this green-eyed monster destroy me and the community of women who give me strength, I hope that I can use it to inspire me to be better. There is room for all of us to find a voice and an audience on this great worldwide web.... I hope.

http://ninemonthsofhell.blogspot.com/

Jealousy is a very natural emotion, but it is also misused to diminish women's feelings of competitiveness, analysis, and outright criticism.  Those things are okay for women to put out there too.  I think we have been so conditioned to feel responsible for everyone's happiness, that if we have a thought that makes someone uncomfortable, the culture immediately labels it as jealousy.  This happens to and by women much more than men.  "She's just jealous."  It would be great if we could get used to competition and community not being mutually exclusive.

The Saturday Night Live writers aren't jealous of the people they skewer; nor are Huffington Post writers; and nor is Dara Torres as she trains to swim for a gold medal.  Whether analysis or attack is performed with humor or with seriousness, its all part of how we understand and reinvent our culture, and it usually isn't just jealousy.  Analyzing or even running down competition isn't just jealousy.

I think writers by nature are predisposed to this type of critical thinking and are drawn to communicate their thoughts.  It's no wonder we see a lot of it--and not because we are reading the blogs of scorned women.

 However, i am jealous you've been to Blogher Business.  I've never gone - yet!  ;)

Deb

www.debontherocks.com

blog

www.3smartgirlz.com

consulting

I was nodding my head in agreement all through your post and when I got to debontherocks comment, my headnodding went postal.   I've been reading a lot of the negative posts about BlogHer and Mommybloggers and A-list Bloggers and Alpha Bloggers and...and...and....  We women do something odd to ourselves and each other when we get into a competitive situation.  I've seen it in high-level business meetings where I was one of maybe two or three women, among a group of CEOs.  The guys could sit at the conference table hating each other's guts and still work well together.  The women, on the other hand, wouldn't play unless everyone was making nice.  That's not a statement implying that men are better at business than women.  It's just a statement that we, men and women, approach our relationships, including those that are professional, in very different ways.  If we can accept that about ourselves and not insist that We All Get Along, we would be much better off.  When I think of the amount of intellectual and emotional energy that's been invested in this mommyblogger/a-list blogger topic over the years--jeeze, we could fuel a Challenger going to the moon.  Instead, we're dissipating our energies and, therefore, our successes.  The world is not fair; the playing field is not even; we need to accept that and go about our business.

By Jane

http://byjane.blogspot.com

http://midlifebloggers.com 

of other people's writing [ie, sentences]. I read blogs like that of Maggie from okayfinedammit.com and am just in awe. I love her dearly, but *I* want to be able to write like her!! (:

I'm also jealous of those that are able to make money from their blogs, because to me, if I were able to make a decent number, not even as much as an actual 'job' but enough by my own standards, I would feel more justified in the amount of time I spend doing it. Seems that it would be a better reason than just 'I love it.' Which I wholeheartedly do. 

But the whole high school thing? I don't get it, and I don't think I ever will.

- Maria

http://immoralmatriarch.com

I got that email too and my first thought was that she was confusing fame with popularity or perhaps success. Or maybe just longevity. I can imagine that it's tough for someone who's been blogging for years to see newer writers who seem to just jump right in and find an audience. But you know, that's life. In any industry there are prodigies who squeak past the middle management. 

Perhaps it's because so many bloggers look at this as a social platfform or community, and not an industry, that's where a lot of the social analogies come in - popularity, cliquishness, mean girls, queen bees blah blah blah. I find it all a little exhausting.

Like you I tend to be jealous of sentences and thoughts and ideas.  And if I find myself jealous, I try to harness that and put it towards being a better writer. Seething is a pretty useless way to spend one's time. 

And Deb and Jane? I am hugging you from afar.

Mom-101

Cool Mom Picks.com

Such an excellent post. Rita, you are addressing such an important point - outloud.

The negativity of women bringing other women down is so disheartening. And so unneccessary. I kinda posted a little bit about this already in my BlogHer write up (sorry for the recap) but my theory is that some of the cattiness is an unfortunate reaction to women not being used to women succeeding. Women are used to having to compete, and they assume there is not room for everyone to be successful or at the top. I went to a women's college and saw how this can be the initial reaction to being in a powerful all women's environment. And then, as days progress and women realize they can support one another and no one is going to tell them they suck, the walls come down. But we didn't have that luxury over only a couple days at BlogHer. Not to mention, we are used to hiding behind our computers while we celebrate our blogs. This was real life, we stood their with our blogs on our sleeves and so its gonna be a fairly vulnerable couple days.

Anyway, we should be celebrating ANY success ANY blogger has. Every success the more well known bloggers have, means one more door opens for us newbies just starting out. Cheers to you guys, cheers to making blogging mainstream, cheers to women getting it done.

And one more thing. I don't care HOW successful bigtime bloggers might get. They still have issues with their kids, have bad days, feel fat, can't start their cars, lose family members, have babies, and on it goes. They have every right to keep on posting the way they have been and keep on being successful. Thats one thing that struck me. Here I follow some bloggers and know so much about their lives, but at Blogher, they sat next to me at breakfast, regular people, as tired and as in need of coffee as I was. Stop building these women up to tear them down. Sheesh.

Ok, I'll step gingerly off my soapbox now. Great post Rita!

Caroline

http://morningsidemom.wordpress.com/

This was an amazing post.  You've just written what has been running through my mind since I started blogging in January.  I try to take every twinge of envy and turn it into something positive.  To get in the game with those I think are better than me so I can move up a level.

Thank you for this article.  Amazing.

merlotmom

I have this post about Kate Gosselin that illistrates this type of jealousy rather well. Kate Gosselin, if you don't know yet, had twins and then sextuplets and then her husband got laid off. Basically her lifed sucked. 

 Well, women were pretty positive and supportive about her when her life was wretched and insurmountable and poverty stricken. They were sympathetic. 

Then Kate got a TV show. Then the jealousy started on the blog. Why does she deserve all this good stuff when my life is still wretched? She's not that great! It's only 8 kids, why doesn't she get a job. A TV show isn't a real job!

 My new theory is that women hate other women if they are more successsul. That's why women rarely brag about promotions or raises to their friends (as noted in The Feminine Mistake by Leslie Bennett's). Men are much more accepting of men making money and getting career success - because they feel equally entitled. Women, in general, feel somewhat unentitlted to and unworthy of success and we dont have the recipe for it and it makes us a little bitchy. 

 We should change this. There's enough to go around. 

So Sioux MeSo Sioux Me
Empower Yourself
Empower Your Daughter

Blog Fabulous
A woman's relationship with the

You  know, we could wrangle this bull for ages.  There were only a few people who actually understood what I was trying to ask without feeling offended.  And, in my opinion, feeling offended usually accompanies feeling guilty.  I tried several times over to give examples of what I was trying to say and ask.  Only some of you wanted to hear what I had to say, you were too busy getting angry to be open enough to know that I meant no harm at all.

What I make from blogging is simply enough for my husband to get back and forth to work.  And, it doesn't even cover that now with gas prices.  That's it.  I enjoy it.  We've owned the daycare and that was my baby and I made less money blogging because I was drowning in daycare business, but the fact is if I compare my life right now, to one that I figure it would be like if I simply made 2 times as much as I do now, my life would be excruciating different.

So, if I then start to wonder what our life would be like if I made the bulk of our income sitting at the computer doing what I love (trust me, daycare was great, but it was also not great) and spending time with the people I love, I can come up with many ways that our lives would change.  

So, then I look at our life if my husband was able to quit work because I made enough for him to pursue some projects of his own without being the breadwinner, and I can tell you that our life would be distinctively different.

Lastly, since Dooce is the most well known blogger around as far as I'm concerned, do you not think that her blogging content is different now than it was when she was new blogging, writing about co-workers and living life.  She had what most folks would call a normal 9 to 5 hours doing work she loved and then.....well we all know what happened.

Now, she is famous.  She rarely writes about the "hard times" anymore that were part of her content early on, when she was single, etc.  Her life is terribly different.  And that brings me to my question which was this "if she became popular writing about her regular life including being Dooced, then how does she maintain the readership now that her life is not as plain as it was back then?

And, you answer is going to be because she made friends through her blog and they have enjoyed watching her life evolve.  And, my question to you is this, "how real is her life to that of most bloggers?" and I think we agree that very few live the way she does but they still real..and I  know, because they made friends....I could go on forever, I'm not.  

I have/had no intention of disrespecting Dooce.  She really is a great writer with a great gig.  But, that was the only analogy I could come up with off the top of my head.  Actually, I just thought of another one that I have witnessed her blog, her life, her fame happen and I promise you, her writing now is no where close to what it was just a year or 2 ago.  And I don't mean the quality of her writing, I mean the content of writing. 

A little late to the party here but wanted to quickly point out that my own little blogosphere community involves men as well as women, and I have to say that jealousy exists everywhere. Men feel it too. Can't name names, but I've seen jealousy and it came from men and was directed towards men. 

This is not a female thing. It's a human-nature thing. 

Vered DeLeeuw

http://momgrind.com/

I really think we marginalize ourselves if we allow ourselves to internalize the "catfight" moniker and think that only women experience jealousy, competitiveness, backstabbing, or even just disagreements and debate.

I wrote a post about it just before BlogHer called Internalizing the Catfight Moniker, andit's just as true after BlogHer!

Elisa Camahort Page
BlogHer
elisa@blogher.com

My BlogHer profile truly shows you everything I do online...Check it out!!

"It would be great if we could get used to competition and community not being mutually exclusive."

I wish I'd written it! :-)

Halushki.com

I'll admit, I get jealous. Sure I do, when I see the swag other bloggers get, the writing ability I'll probably never have...

Jealousy isn't bad, it's what you do with. Do you use to motivate yourself to be better, or do you use it to tear others down? As women we're taught that it's wrong to be competitive, and jealousy follows that.

Available Light & Five Dollar Radio

I think it's important to note that blogging is an area in which one can be envious of another's success without begrudging them their acheivements. It's not the same as coveting your neighbor's wife, where unless you're into "Big Love" type relationships, wanting what he has means wanting him to *not* have it.

Do I want success? Of course, though I have to say that for me, finding comrades in this life-balancing battle is much more of a marker of success than material gain. Success is individually defined, which complicates the whole discussion, and we have to acknowledge that our ideas of success change, too. I started my blog just because I needed a place to talk: even if I hadn't brushed my teeth yet, or if I was having a bad social anxiety day, or if I couldn't get dressed until the dryer finished, or whatever would keep me from seeing my RL friends. I really had no intention of networking, other than linking to some of my favorite blogs-expecting nothing back in return, just wanting to share my tastes with anyone who happened to stumble upon my blog. So, in that respect, I have success-I have been able to achieve what was my initial goal. But as I became more active in the community, my goals shifted, and networking in a more personal way than ever was possible in any other interest I've ever persued became my measure of success.

But wanting that fellowship doesn't mean that I don't want it for others. Wanting something someone else has, and wanting it for yourself don't have to be mutually exclusive here in the blogosphere. I'd like to think that if my measure of success ever shifts to monetary gain that assessment wouldn't change. I'd like to believe that I would still look at the success of others and instead of feeling like I should have what they have, I would think I can achieve what they have, too, if I put in the work required. It's just a subtle shift in verbiage, but a huge difference in attitude. 

There will always be trailblazers who mark the general path for others. Some of us are blessed or lucky or talented enough to be among them. Others are just as lucky that the path has been marked for them to use as a general guide. But our specific path is unique to each of us, alone. That, to me, is the biggest lesson in blogging-there are startling similarities and parrellels in our lives, but we still each stand as a unique voice. And I don't think any amount of money is worth changing mine to a carbon copy of someone else's. My own voice is too important to lose, and so is everyone else's.

<a href="http://www.cheekysweetie.com">Cheeky Sweetie-just the mommyblogger-next-door</a>

Nothing wrong with jealousy -- but it comes down to what you do with that emotion. If I start feeling jealous of someone else, dare I say another blogger?, I try to step back and think about what it says about me -- Why am I wanting what they have? Why am I unhappy with my current situation?

And truly, what positive thing can I do about it?

Turn jealousy into inspiration. 

 Motherhood Uncensored 

MomsAgainstBullying

This on-line Jealousy is starting to sound a lot like cyber bullying ladies.  I just recently started a blog to help parents and educators to come together to finally put a stop to bullying in our elementary schools and beyond, but it sounds like we adult women need a reality check. 

Bullying is the act of putting some one down to make yourself feel better.  Bullying is not about anger, but about POWER over others.  Bullies  crave power like a drug.  At school the bully (girl or boy) goes out to the playground and finds an easy target to get a quick fix.  Sounds like the cyber bully is going on-line for a quick fix.  It's shameful!  I wish you all great success!

I find that often something that would be described one way in the non-internet world is described another way in the blogworld.  There are bloggers whose writing I admire very much. (Like Rita, I started my blog to force myself to write more often and improve the quality of my writing.)

But whether it's a sentence that Steinbeck wrote or Flotsam (for example) blogged, I wouldn't described my feeling as jealousy.  It's more a -- damn! I hope I can be that skilled some day.

 As for the fame and money part, when it comes to pure blogging for yourself, those come with hard work and luck, and I can only control one of those.

Anne Glamore

Tales From My Tiny Kingdom

Anne Lamott's classic- Bird By Bird- has a chapter, Jealousy. I highly recommend it to everyone who has commented here. When someone else is doing what you do, it's hard not to wonder/wish for some of their good fortune to come your way.

I'm a writer who has a blog. I see blogs having enormous potential- some of it financial, but ultimately it has to be a place where I enjoy going to write. I think each person has to decide for him/herself what their definition of success is. For me, being successful means being in motion. As long as I am actively writing I am successful. I'm well aware that that point of view might not land me on the bestseller list.

I've attended two arts residencies in the last two years with artists of all mediums and jealousy always comes up. We are, after all, human.

Dawn Maria

Method to the Madness
http://www.dawnmaria.com

And I think I officially ADORE Mir's comment above.  

I really think this could make an awesome session at BlogHer next year.  A more in depth discussion at jealousy among bloggers and WHY we feel that the jealousy a) exists in the first place and/or b) has to be such a negative thing.  Sure, I've been jealous during my blogging tenure, but I've found it FAR more productive to use those energies to better my own blog and push towards new goals than towards dogging bloggers I might be jealous of.  

Seriously... Elisa, there is a lot of fodder here! 

Marilyn Porter
slackermama . com

Heh.

Great post, Rita. I think the word that many folks here are grasping for is the word "wistful". I do associate jealousy with a negative connotation. However, "wistful" implies that you would like to have something for yourself, but not at the expense of the person already in possession of it.

I have been both wistful AND jealous. And equally inspired to do more because of both.

Kelli Oliver George

http://rancidraves.blogspot.com/

http://abooblog.blogspot.com/