jelly bean changes coming down the windpipe

So apparently some Ukrainian company has developed a jelly bean that makes your farts come up smelling like roses.  Call it perfume for the digestive tract.  An air freshener for the body.

Halleluja.  Us humans have reached a new pinnacle.  Certainly stopping war, eliminating poverty and preventing vast quantities of oil leaking into our limited water supply are just around the corner.  What better tribute to our advanced civilization?  Someday we'll tell our grandchildren "I Remember When" stories about a world before farts smelled like Calvin Klein.

This bit of news should be of great interest to the gossip column set.  After all, lots of people already think this bunch’s poop doesn’t stink.  This revolutionary breakthrough could really substantiate certain peoples’ importance in our culture, like the Paris Hiltons, the Popular Girls, the Reality Show Famous People, the Pretend Reality Show Famous People, The Politicians who Have Temper Tantrums When They Get Treated Like The Peons and the Children and Pets of all of the above. 

And it might change things for the ladies who use the bathroom on my office floor – you know the kind, the silent owners of the feet in the stalls, waiting for you to leave so they can do their business.  Letting go a toot in a bathroom stall as a source of shame and embarrassment will be a thing of the past.  And no doubt these ladies know that the day will come soon when other body smells are also suitably improved upon, and they can hold their heads high as they exit every bathroom trailing scents of lilac.

Think about it: the impact of this candy could be monumental.  These jelly beans could reverse the tide of failed marriages everywhere.  Bratty boys are going to have to think up other annoying things to do in front of their sisters.  Fart sounds won’t be considered funny anymore – they’ll be associated with pleasantness, like bird calls, waves lapping and rainbows.

Whoopie Cushions will be relics of the past, only found in museums, recalling a day when us humans were SO uncouth.  And smelly.  Young girls won’t have to hold farts in anymore – they can let ‘er rip and freshen up at the same time.  And farting on a first date could really turn the bloke on. 

Perfume companies could go out of business.  But shares in companies that distribute beans, broccoli and cabbage will go through the roof.  Jelly bean packaging will feature coupons for discounts on plastic surgery, fashion fad items, boy band CDs, gossip magazine subscriptions, douches, Harlequin paperbacks, diet pills and studio tickets to see The View.

People, we’re on the cusp of a revolution.  We're moving into a new era; history will have new labels:  BS (Before Smelly) and AS (After Smelly).  Take it from me – run out right now and buy some stock in Heinz Baked Beans, or you’ll be kicking yourself.  You can be sure Celine Dion already called her broker.  After all, she’s going to crank out a couple more little darlings, and we all know that pushing babies out of there does damage to the holding-in fart muscles no matter how developed they were in adolescence.

Pay attention - there's a story everywhere you go.

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