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What does Yom Kippur, a search engine, and a bunch of posts about infertility have in common? I'm not entirely sure myself, but these things always sort themselves out by the end of the post. So stay with me for the inevitable punchline.
And I apologize too--to you--for any times that I have inadvertently hurt you this year. For any times I have not been there for you. For any times you wrote and received no answer. For any times I was sloppy in my wording. For any times that you read a post and walked away with your heart hurting--I had a lot of fears about that with this particular post. For any times that you felt overlooked. For any times that I couldn't give what you needed.
For all these things.
I believe in apologizing. Even when apologies were given in the moment, this is a time of year for Jews to reflect on everything that has happened in the past as well as look forward to the future year. Apologizing with a full heart, close attention paid to the words. Meaning them. It is good to examine your own past so you don't repeat the same trends in the future.
So much of infertility involves apologies. The sympathetic nurse who tells you she's sorry that your beta is negative. The woman who turns to her partner and apologizes for her body. The man with azoospermia who feels responsible that his wife needs to do IVF even though the infertility is male factor.
When we apologize to each other in those situations, we know there was no wrong-doing. What we're saying is that our heart hurts--either for ourselves or for another person--and instead of describing that, we lean on apologizing. We obviously need a new set of words.
A lesser known side of Yom Kippur is that part of the Kol Nidre service--the service that comes on the eve of Yom Kippur--is a pardoning of all religious vows we may make in the future year (sorry--it has nothing to do with the promises we make another person). Kol Nidre (which means "all vows") isn't really a prayer. It's a recitation of a paragraph of legal statements. It may be the most gorgeous, breath-holding moment of the evening, but essentially, it is excusing the human inability to attain perfection.
Kol Nidre was very important during the Inquisition. People who had been forced to convert hadn't really converted because Kol Nidre absolved them from promises made. But why is this statement still important right now--why do Jews who normally saunter into shul midway through the Torah service (cough...Jews like myself...) race to finish dinner quickly before a fast so they can get there to hear the opening words of this first part to the service?
Because we bargain. We all do it, regardless of religion or lack thereof. If we're not bargaining with G-d, we're bargaining with the universe, with the unknown, with another person. We are promising everything we can think of in order to be released from pain or obtain better health or--in the case of my world--become a parent. When we are down, we are willing to give anything to get out of that space.
It is incredibly humbling to reflect on all the broken vows from the past year while the rabbi chants Kol Nidre.
The BlogHer search engine through Lijit was a lot better, but it still contained blogs on all topics. If I searched for a post, let's say, on living child-free, it brought up blogs from people who had never intended to have children or who wanted children, but had never tried to have one or who had resolved their infertility through this path.
In the end, I built my own, entering all 1500 or so blogs from my
