"Rescue Adoption" and How the Mommybloggers Broke Jillian Michaels' Heart

It "behooves" her to finish her thoughts... so that you and other bloggers get what she means, or else she's wrong? Hmm.

No matter how you slice it, women are just constantly cutting each other down. And I bet half the people doing that here have spoken out AGAINST the "mommy wars" online... but here, in another context, they do it themselves. Ugh.

Julie Anita @ The Unbroken World ( http://unbrokenworld.blogspot.com )

I'm glad she came back to explain, but I think she missed why people were offended. It had nothing to do with whether or not she believed pregnancy ruined a body and everything to do with the concept that adoption "rescues" someone. I'm sort of sad that she didn't discuss that part of the quote.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Here are her latest comments which explains her health problems.

http://www.momlogic.com/2010/05/jillian_michaels_p... ( http://www.momlogic.com/2010/05/jillian_michaels_p... )

Sonja

The Mud and the Lotus ( http://www.mudandlotus.com )

This has to be one of the most selfish things I have read. She doesn't want to lose her abs in order to feel the love of a child that she helped create, carry for 9 months, give birth to, love, nurture....woah, I can't believe it. Yes, she can love and nurture an adopted child and I totally agree that there are plenty of children that need to be adopted but I do personally believe that she uses the fact that the children need to be adopted only to help her look better as if that is why she is adopting rather than giving birth to her own child. If one thinks so much of themselves that they can't give up their 6 pack abs then how are they going to put their child first after he/she is adopted? Children are to come first, and as a mom that comes natural but evidently to some they put themselves first and are more important than children. I do not believe that she is wanting to adopt just to save children that need a home, she is very self centered and it is indeed about her. Just IMO! Have any questions or comments, feel free to email me at my blog www.busybx6.blogspot.com ( http://www.busybx6.blogspot.com )

Orphanages. Yup, some of us were adopted because our mothers and fathers left us. Not "went through the proper adoption channels." Left us. Abandoned us. I feel very fortunate to be adopted. Lucky. Yes, I said lucky. Rescued? Yeah, in a sense I do feel I was rescued.

Amy blogs over at This Northern Life ( http://thisnorthernlife.com ).

I can't tell if you're blaming me for the mudslinging or if you're asking pertinent questions. I'll assume the latter.

It depends, really. I have learned so much from others' experience in adoption. I have learned first hand how names hurt. I have learned what words are and are not acceptable in the adoption world, rescue not being one of them by a large majority of those touched by adoption. Just as the words bastard and illegitimate have been phased out over time, the word rescue is generally not applied to child adoption anymore. Similarly, if you tell me that I "gave up" my child, I may or may not cut you. (Really, I'll likely let it slide and my husband will get an earful later in the day.)

Learning the ins and outs of the adoption world is not an easy process. Neither is adoption, for any of the participants. I stand here and admit that I have made mistakes, both in word and action, and assume that I will make some again in the future. When I do, I will listen to any non-name-calling feedback and hopefully learn from that mistake. Or, really, those mistakes. I'm totally human over here.

Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )), from Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ), is a freelance writer and newspaper photographer.

There are words that are acceptable in adoption speak. There are words that are no longer acceptable in adoption speak. We don't call adoptees bastards or illegitimate children anymore. We freak out if someone calls a birth parent a natural parent. We don't want adoptive parents to have the parent in their title removed and thus be referred to as adopters. Similarly, rescue implies so many negative things about the child's birth family and origin.

You can tell me that I'm overreacting. Go ahead and tell someone that your cousin had a bastard child that she gave up for adoption to deserving adopters and see how people respond to those words. Words affect others. When I have hurt others by using words that hurt them, I have been the one to apologize. I won't apologize for feeling the sting.

Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )), from Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ), is a freelance writer and newspaper photographer.

Melissa, I really agree with what you are saying here. I know it's hard for some to understand why the rescue narrative is so bothersome to those in the adoption triad. But it sets adoptive parents up for self-righteousness, it sets adoptees up for some weird dynamic of gratefulness beyond what is normal in a family, and it demonizes birth mothers as someone a child needs to be rescued from. And even in the worst of circumstances, adoption is still not rescue. You can only rescue a child once. After that, it's called parenting.

www.rageagainsttheminivan.com ( http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com )

I'd love to see this open up a conversation with her, where people can share how they heard her words and she can explain what she meant and we can all learn.

Rescue is a very loaded word--and it perpetuates a stereotype that already exists. And reinforces it by having yet another public figure give that take on adoption. That's what worries me more--what the general public takes away from statements like that.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

If that is the case, I would love her to use her space on the Internet or release a public statement explaining. Because she did bring up the topic in the first place, no statement needed to be made at all. But now that one is made, her choice is to either let people misunderstand or to explain.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

I agree that a pile on rarely--if ever--helps. But what is the right method? For instance, when Mel Gibson said, "Fucking Jews...Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world" should we have quietly educated him that Jews are not in fact responsible for all the wars in the world? I don't know if emotional Jews could have spoken reasonably about this.

And perhaps that is it--the fact that you are not emotionally involved in adoption perhaps gives you a clearer voice. I'm very interested to hear your take because it's not coming from a place of emotion but rather one of rationality.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Jillian never said your child needed rescuing! Maybe she plans to adopt a baby orphaned by the Haitian earthquake. We don't know and she doesn't owe it to us to explain her plans. How do we know she hasn't looked into adoption? How do we know she doesn't understand its hardships and implications? It just seems like a lot of people are making sweeping generalizations about this woman based on one line in an interview.

I'd like to know if anyone out there has actually read the entire article and not just the inflammatory bits plucked for the HuffPo summary.

When I was doing my initial research into adoption, I was amazed at the enormous list of things that people might say or might ask that I was supposed to be offended by. It made me a little sad.

If I got angry every time someone told me how brave I was, or how lucky my boys were, I wouldn't be able to have honest conversations with well-meaning people asking inexperienced questions.

I don't think all the piling-on Jillian Michaels is doing anything to further honest conversations. Quite the opposite. Why on earth would she even try to explain herself further knowing that all these women are waiting to pounce should she trip up in a language (of adoption) in which she is not well-versed?

"Rescue" may be a loaded word, but I really hope that we are not trying to deny or disallow any altruistic motivation in adoption. There are millions of children in foster care or orphanage systems around the world. They don't need saints, but they do need people willing to open their hearts and homes to them.

I've been increasingly distressed to see that adoptive parents are only allowed to ascribe selfish motivations to themselves. We are only supposed to say "I want(ed) a child." Well, sure we did, but as we learned with Artyem Savalayev, ( http://www.blogher.com/woman-returns-child-she-ado... ) that's simply not enough.

- Lisse

@ Home in the World: International Adoption and Other Travels ( http://homeintheworld.typepad.com )

I have a huge problem with the assumption she was talking about her figure when she said she wouldn't do that to her body. None of us know what medical conditions she might have and in following up she alluded to the fact that there is something much more significant than her shape that has lead to this decision.

You know what they say about assuming. Plus that article was one person's spin on what she said during an interview, which may or may not reflect her actual views. I take the whole thing with a grain of salt and hope for her sake her quotes were misunderstood.

Visit me at Somebody Heal Me: The Musings of a Chronic Migraineur ( http://somebodyhealme.dianalee.net )

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Of course we don't object to applying the word "rescue" to pound puppies. Dogs don't understand the heierarchies of human language. But I do. I'm adopted. I can't ignore her words like a dog, nor can I ignore your words, saying that my objection to being referred to as "rescued" is invalidating and hurtful.

Are you really comparing me to a dog?

I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant. Maybe now, though, you can understand a little better how your words apply to a real person. Not a dog.

Mary a/k/a BarnMaven blogs at http://www.barnmaven.typepad.com about single parenting, living with ADHD, too many animals to count and dealing with ADHD/Bipolar kids.

Thank you.

But if people are shouting at you and assuming terrible motivations and idiocy and ill will, how do you attain understanding?

Jenna, you have firsthand, personal knowledge of a situation, and clearly have much to share. If someone does not, misperceptions and understanding are to be expected.

Do you take that person down or do you try to help them understand? I'm not so sure we work very hard on the latter - and then it's only after we yell and scream. I don't think it's fair or helpful.

Laurie
LaurieWrites ( http://lauriewrites.typepad.com )
Photos on Flickr ( http://www.flickr.com/photos/rubyshoes )

I've actually read several adoptive parents today who said that in retrospect "rescue" was a very valid description, and I didn't read them as saying this with hubris at all, rather honest evaluation of the situations in which their children lived. When did this become an entirely negative thing?

She answered in one sentence from which so many assumptions are drawn, and I still think this has been taken way beyond where it needed to be.

Hopefully it will help her, but rather than increase her understanding I am more inclined to believe that this public scourging will be more likely to hurt and harm. I hear where everyone is coming from, but attacks - and that is what I believe this has been, an attack on one by the many - never, ever help.

Laurie
LaurieWrites ( http://lauriewrites.typepad.com )
Photos on Flickr ( http://www.flickr.com/photos/rubyshoes )

Not unheard of at all. I had a friend who spoke about the idea of pregnancy as having an alien inside of her. Which is not to say that she didn't want to be a parent--she just didn't want to be pregnant. And pregnancy (like parenthood) certainly isn't for everyone.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

I have a friend who adopted not because she was afraid of ruining her figure, but because she was "disgusted" by childbirth and had an almost pathological fear of the pain involved. But she adored children, so she did eventually adopt and she is a doting aunt.

I think those above explain why they can't move on, and perhaps it's a difference between being in the experience or not in the experience. There are plenty of times that a public figure says something that hurts a community and those in the community air their feelings and those outside say, "what's the big deal." Until they're on the receiving end.

I think we can move on, but frankly, these are the sorts of moments that could be a learning moment for the greater public rather than simply dismissing it as just another bone-head thing said by an uneducated person. That we can use it to show others that we can own our words, apologize, and learn something new on a topic that we spoke about without know the first thing that goes into that topic.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

I think that is a wonderful point--that we all say stupid things, but when we realize what we've done, we hopefully apologize, learn from it, and move on to do better next time. I also hope she learns how her words have affected others.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

I don't know anything about Jillian Michaels but I suspect that a) she is not a professional pundit and b) does not plan to keep any potential children in kennels. My point us just this: why do we care?

She is guilty of careless speech, something public people perhaps should be above but as we all know they aren't; nothing she said suggests that she's actually going to approach adopting a child as she would a pound puppy. We don't object to applying the term "adoption" to pound puppies.

I understand that the majority of people in the US don't automatically associate orphanages with adoption anymore, thank goodness. But I do. I adopted, too. Although I didn't plan it as a "rescue," after spending time in my daughter's orphanage I have to admit the verb would fit.

I think it's a blunder, not an indication that she would raise children in an ethos of 'salvation.' It seems way too distant a connection to extrapolate what she really believes about birth mothers, adoptive mothers, or the process of adoption. Or even her own body, really; we don't have all the information there (and I'm quite content not to).

Can we just take a breath and move on?

I also said some stupid, off-base and offensive things about adoption before I was educated on the topic. Or, really, baptized by fire as the phrase goes. As such, I'm not lashing out at Jillian as a human being. I hope she's able to take this time to educate herself as to what adoption really means and how her words affect others. Owning your words is so important to each of us.

Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )), from Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ), is a freelance writer and newspaper photographer.

Simply because her comment of rescuing a child implies that I am somehow less than she is as a woman or a mother.

Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )), from Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ), is a freelance writer and newspaper photographer.

As someone who can no longer be pregnant due to health concerns, I don't really have an issue with people deciding to avoid pregnancy. It's not for everyone. I actually wish we better educated our women, even here in the good ole US, about pregnancy and childbirth.

However, it hurts to be reminded that I am viewed by society as someone who was unfit to parent. That my child needed rescuing. More over, if my daughter was being raised to be grateful in any and all circumstances for being rescued from me, I'd be beside myself with a feeling of failure. Not for myself but that I'd failed her in some way.

Lastly, I hate the gloss that celebrities give adoption in general. If she had mentioned any of the hardships that accompany adoption (and not made the rescue comment), I'd be more inclined to come to her defense. I'm sick and tired of celebrities acting like adoption is the bees knees and an easy process. When you factor in the ethical implications of everything from domestic newborn adoption to International adoption and even foster adoption, it's disheartening that absolutely no celebrity has taken on ETHICAL adoption reform as one of their soap boxes. Instead she just played into the machine. When a celebrity comes out and actively states that the adoption industry is taking advantage of vulnerable women AND vulnerable families, well then, I'll have some support to give.

Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )), from Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ), is a freelance writer and newspaper photographer.

Thank you so much for writing this--for giving this perspective. And for saying, so eloquently, what I was struggling to say.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

It can be nerve wracking, but the way to fix this is not to ignore it, but to address it. To explain herself. She has a chance to learn from this and say, "wow, I really had no idea what went into adoption and I should probably research it before I make an announcement that I would do it." She could give an apology to those in the triad who were offended by what she had to say on adoption. And she could ask us to listen to her side too. I'd be happy to hear her if I felt as if she cared to learn from this experience.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

I would love to hear her explain the first part of the quote--and I didn't focus on that statement because it can be read in numerous ways. Though the best way to clear that up would be to address that.

Though I'm sorry, I just don't see how she explain her thoughts on how adoption rescues a child in any way other than how it sounds at first hearing.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Thank you for bringing the balance.

I think what people are responding to is her hubris. Is her complete lack of understanding of adoption and the message that she is going to proceed regardless with this lack of understanding--AND another person's emotional health will be involved. There is no "just" in adoption. Being an adoptive parent means educating yourself on the process and nowhere in that education should be the belief that you are rescuing the child. After all, how can she have a relationship with the birthparents if she enters with a belief that she is rescuing?

I think it happened fast and furious in this case because what was said--for those who are involved in the adoption world--was the biggest, most hurtful stereotype. And I would be just as up in arms as a Jew if she had made a statement such as "and all Jews have a lot of money."

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

I took no issue with her choice to not want to have pregnancy and the assorted physical issues that come hat in hand with it. Having personally experienced both the intense joys and the physical difficulties associated with pregnancy and birth, I respect that someone knows enough to know they don't want to deal with it. Pregnancy is not for everyone, nor is parenting.

However, as an adoptee, I was pretty offended by her choice of words regarding what she believes is the nature of adoption. I've lived with those stereotypes my whole life. "Aren't you LUCKY?" "Your parents are wonderful people because they SAVED you." "Just think how awful your life could have been if you hadn't been adopted!" Its hard enough to deal with dual identity issues and the mystery of ones origins without being reminded constantly by people who ought to know better that our adoptive parents are saints, that we are apparently second best, and that we should be forever grateful because we weren't able to be raised by our family of origin.

Adoption was a positive thing in my life. My parents didn't want to "rescue" me...they wanted to be parents. I never got the sense from my mother that she would have loved or parented me any differently if she'd given birth to me, and for that I am truly proud and thankful. But I more than likely would feel very different if I'd grown up with a parent who felt they deserved some sort of special recognition for "rescuing" me. I am not a pound puppy. I am not an orphan. Maybe my birth mother didn't want me, but plenty of other people did.

I think it does a disservice to adoptees when people don't check the language they use around adoption. Sanctifying adoptive parents and referring to adoptees as "lucky" or "rescued" contributes to that sense of "other" and "less than" that many of us feel. In the same way that families of special needs children (I have one) want people to be aware of the appropriateness of their words, adoptees and parents of adoptees wish the same. Jillian Michaels made a very unfortunate statement. If that is how she truly feels about adoption, I would suggest that she is emotionally not yet ready to shoulder the burden of parenting an adopted child.

Mary a/k/a BarnMaven blogs at http://www.barnmaven.typepad.com about single parenting, living with ADHD, too many animals to count and dealing with ADHD/Bipolar kids.

I agree with Laurie. It seems like we're arguing over semantics here - like people didn't like her word choice so she's being villainized.

First, it can be very nerve wracking to sit in a media interview and have to pull the perfect word out for a soundbite. Often, you know what you mean, but it just doesn't come out that way.

Second, she was set up to be ridiculed right from HuffPo, which threw up a misleading headline that wasn't even what she said.

Why does everyone feel the need to attack people who have different ideas about how they want to live? Geez, mommybloggers are the WORST too. Let the woman make her own choices. Not a one of her reasons were malicious or hurtful or mean. Let her be.

I have to say I agree with Jillian that there has been a media pile-up on her from a hetero-normative-mommy angle. I've known MANY lesbian and gender queer women who have all sorts of body issues to navigate and body control issues to conquer on all sides of the spectrum as an aftermath of growing up feeling "different" about their bodies, and some do make an early assumption that they can't or shouldn't or wouldn't be able to manage pregnancy or being a mother via any pathway (in Florida a single gay woman can't even legally adopt). It is AT BEST awkward to reconcile becoming a mother for many gay women, I assure you, especially when the rest of the world is eager to define what should be "female" and "normal" and "maternal". This is not the only issue that could be at play, off course. I've also been in countless, countless childhood sexual abuse groups where messages similar to Jillian's statement have been made.

At core, what she is reported to have said is "I can't handle doing that to my body." That can mean a lot of things, but it doesn't mean "figure-concious" is obviously the goal. The pile-on is making me very sad because of how judgemental it might sound to others who might identify with Jillian's conflict on an issue that's similar, much deeper, and apparently harder to understand, than needing to wear a tux instead of a gown to prom.

Deb Rox

3 Smart Girlz ( http://www.3smartgirlz.com/ ) consulting

Blog ( http://www.debontherocks.com/ ) like a freaking butterfly, sting like a Tweet. ( http://www.twitter.com/debontherocks )

That I really identify with her as an obese child myself. I never got the baggage that made me fear or reject the idea of pregnancy, but I can fully understand why someone would. It's a road that isn't easy to understand unless one has walked it.

Laurie
LaurieWrites ( http://lauriewrites.typepad.com )
Photos on Flickr ( http://www.flickr.com/photos/rubyshoes )

I rarely disagree with you, Melissa, but I think "fitness adoption" is an unfair characterization even given her persona and I'm really surprised at the vitriol I've seen all day long.

I am not a fan, but I also think she's been judged really, really unnecessarily harshly for this. I heard her saying she didn't want to put her body through this, that she didn't feel physically prepared to carry a child, and between the lines of everything I've read about her I'd say she feels her emotional preparedness to do this is lacking too. Someone asked her that question and she answered it. She doesn't owe me anything. I'm full up on gory details of celebrity lives.

Choosing to become pregnant is an intensely personal thing and it's no wonder that so many women who choose not to do it have trouble discussing it. I will disagree again and go so far as to say that she's taken more crap today because she's not a parent. I rarely feel comfortable speaking about parenting - my own prospects or heaven forbid anyone else's - for fear of reprisal from many parents.

The use of the word "rescue" is weak, yes, but given her history I am not surprised at all. Had she said, "I think if you legally claim another human being and remake them in your own image," I'd be taken aback. Or, oh, "I'm bored and want to reinvent myself as a family kind of girl, can't get pregnant, think I'll adopt." Offensive. The first people to help her, to save her life, she said, were her trainers. Apparently she came up out of a really sad situation and I think there is way more to her story and no, I don't need it. I'm just saying I think some compassion would come in handy, and again, NOT EVEN A FAN.

And I actually don't think she's calling you ladies evil at all. She's participated in events with mom bloggers and it seems like she felt some sort of connection there. Sounds like she felt more hurt and disappointed than angry. I think she's a bit of a fringe character myself but even she doesn't deserve the rage of the world. I'm not sure why it happens so fast and so furiously when a celebrity opens her mouth.

I need to stop defending Jillian Michaels now because I never dreamed I would but I really wish this had been a more balanced view.

Laurie
LaurieWrites ( http://lauriewrites.typepad.com )
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