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Sparkle (1)
Just because we all do it doesn't make it okay.
Bullying is once again at the forefront of everyone's minds in Ottawa. In less than a year, there have been two highly publicized stories about teenagers killing themselves. Suicide, a topic avoided by most because of what it represents, is being talked about at dinner tables. Around the lunch table. In classrooms. And that's an important step because if we don't recognize it then we can't acknowledge it's a problem, and if we don't acknowledge it's a problem then we can't do anything about it. But what do we do?
Suicide is not a disease. There is no vaccination or medication or a one-size-fits-all action plan. It's a complicated act that is frustratingly impossible to understand because even if there is a letter left behind we can never completely understand the storm of circumstances that led someone to take their own life. Because they died they are not there to tell us exactly what happened; what in that moment made them feel that they had no other choice but to end their life. The swirl of heredity, mental illness, social circumstances, family situation, peer group, coping skills are too tightly interwoven to choose which was responsible. What was the final straw?
Bullying is also at the forefront of a lot of people's minds right now because the boy who killed himself was bullied. Because he was gay. Because he was 'different'. I use the term in single quotation marks because not a single human being on this earth is the same and yet we constantly attack and judge others because they are different. He was gay and he liked musical theatre and figure skating. Boys are supposed to like girls and they're supposed to like sports and they're supposed to like hockey. That's how he was 'different'. Maybe you can't change someone's heredity, their predisposition to mental illness; the fact that their family is struggling; that their peer group is leading them astray but there is something you can control; something you can change. Yourself. Misty of the Chickadee Tweet recently wrote a post about bullying and empathy:
When we put ourselves on another level, and look down on others, we are saying I am not you. And that, my friends, is how wars are started; how fights or disagreements arise; and how we come to marginalize others. It is based on the fact that we have separated US from THEM, or ME and YOU. As soon as we take this step to separate ourselves, and as soon as we draw that line in the sand, we have lost the battle. As humans, this is how we fail each other, time and time again.
Empathy is not sympathy; it's not feeling sorry for someone who is marginalized or different or struggling. People don't need pity: they need you to stand beside them and acknowledge their feelings. They need you to share in their struggles and their emotions and to see what the world looks like from their perspective. They need you to put yourself in their shoes and experience what it's like, even for a nanosecond, to be them.
The topic of bullying came to mind at, of all places, a blogging conference I attended last week in Toronto. One of my unexpected take-away's (of the unpleasant, deep thoughts variety) was that bullying has changed and evolved. Children and teenagers are tormented not only face-to-face (and behind their backs) but via text messages and blogs and Twitter and Facebook and YouTube. The constant assault on their sense of self is never ending and relentless.
Technology gives us the means to torment people 24/7. What used to be confined to work places or the school yard is now interwoven into every moment of every single day.
Bullying isn't just physical violence. Bullying is any act of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse that is intended to harm the victim. It is direct (face-to-face) or indirect (gossip, exclusion).
Bullying is hurtful. The acts of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse are intended to harm the victim. There's nothing 'accidental' about bullying behaviour.
Bullying isn't fair. Bullies often have an advantage over the person they're bullying; they might be more popular or might have sensitive information about the person they're bullying.
