Just call me Sally...

I am a complicated woman.  (Those of you who know me can stop laughing now, tyvm.)  Post-divorce I seem to want things a bit more “just so” than I have in the past.  I used to think that it was only in restaurants that I was ultra picky what with making substitutions from one menu item to another or just making my own creations because I know what the hell they have back there and I know they can do it.  To quote a famous movie:  I just want it the way I want it.   I knew I was a waitron’s nightmare (until they get my tip) but I didn’t know I was going to let that bleed into my personal life at some point.

I seem to be made of dichotomies:  I want freedom and to be owned.  I want kink and normal life.  I want a huge all-encompassing love and still I want my polyamorous relationships.   I really don’t see how ANY of these things are incompatible with one another.  Yet…

…I think other people aren’t seeing things that way.  I have felt a bit despondent on the poly front for a while because I seem to be contacted only by people who are seeking “closed” poly or polyfidelity.   And if kink is involved, usually that fidelity only applies to the subs with the dominant being able to add in seemingly “at will”. (Not in ALL cases, mind you, but in the majority that I have encountered.)    I have been approached by innumerable couples to be their “third” or “second wife” or whatever term they choose to use.   I have tried that with a few couples, done the “getting to know you” and the dating and seeing how things went.  Ultimately, though, I don’t want that.  It always comes down to me having to give up people and relationships that are quite important to me.

I feel sometimes that something is just wrong with me.  That maybe I am just asking too much.   I think to myself that perhaps I am too much of a “free spirit” to really be doing ANY sort of hoping for a relationship of my own.  That the fantasy of meeting someone who could blend with my people and I could blend with theirs and we could have something happy and good together at the end of the day is just that: fantasy.   I think to myself that I should be more “normal” and just get over all this hippie-dippy polyamory crap and settle the fuck down about kink and just be happy with someone who would come home after work and turn on the tv.

I’m practically choking just WRITING that last sentence let alone actually contemplating LIVING it.  Living it would, I imagine, be like living in a space where all the air was being slowly sucked out of the room; a slow, stolid march towards certain suffocation.

So, I remain picky.  And, much like I know that if the items are on the menu then the chef can combine them to make what I want, I know that these things I would like for my life do exist and not completely separate from each other, I know they can be combined into the exact dish I hunger for.

In the meantime,  I try to be happy with simply having a place at the table.

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“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.  Live the life you have imagined”

-Henry David Thoreau

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“I reserve the right to love many different people at once and to change my prince often”

-Anais Nin

 

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