Just The Feet

Oh Massages, how we have a mixed up relationship. On the one hand I yearn for you constantly, on the other I am a nervous wreck when I finally get someone to start rubbing my sore parts.

It’s all about the feet for me. You can take all that g spot rubbish to the bin because I know where my g spot is, and it’s in my feet.

Just squeeze my feet and I'm all yours
Just squeeze my feet and I'm all yours

I can sometimes get Big M to rub my feet, he does an amazing job, but it gets awkward, constantly begging or sneaking my foot into his lap as we watch TV. So, on occasion, or whenever groupon has a particularly enticing deal, I splurge and get a professional reflexologist to rub those puppies.

As much as I love having my feet rubbed, it is a very intimate thing and I am always surprised by how nervous I feel when things get started.

just rub around the nails please
just rub around the nails please

I am worried that the poor masseuse thinks my feet are gross

She is going to apply pressure to some spot that is going to start a chain reaction in my body, causing me to have uncontrollable diarrhea, or at least, horrible farts.

If I even start to think about farting, I inevitably have to do it. If she feels my body tense up she will know that I am farting, then things will get weird.

Also, I worry that she will hit some other pressure point that will cause me to pass out and vomit and roll off the table.

Then, I worry that I am not giving her enough feedback, perhaps I could help things along if I let out a moan or two, but only when things are really good.

If I am not talking, I worry that she is getting bored. I personally hate giving massages so I imagine she hates it too. The least I could do is entertain her with some stories of my children.

If I am talking, I worry that she wants me to shut up. She doesn’t want to hear stories about my children when she is trying to be all spa lady like.

I find that part of the massage, when they want you to get yourself on the table lying face down and drape a blanket over yourself, nearly impossible. The blanket is all twisted and backwards and I am lying there in my ginch, hoping that this all looks like what she had planned.

It ended up being the best foot rub of my life, there was pain, followed by euphoria and I even saw colors, that I think might have been a doorway to another dimension.

I can’t wait to go back.

Indecently I noticed that they also were offering colon hydrotherapy there. If they ever come up with a Groupon for that I am so going to have that done too.

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