- Share This Post
- submit
- 3
-
Sparkle (0)
My husband spent the weekend hanging the Christmas lights, buying the groceries, doing the laundry, and cleaning out the storage room (Yeah, I know he’s perfect. Blah, blah, blah.). While he was running around like the Energizer bunny, I spent the weekend stewing. He’d been gone the entire week before on business and had promised to go to the movies and on a hike with me. He was so busy we didn’t have time to do anything together. I felt unloved and neglected. When I complained, he responded, “But how can you say that? I spent all weekend loving you.” And therein lies the problem. We experience love differently.
A few years ago a minister friend of mine gave me a copy of the “Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, a Baptist pastor and marriage counselor. She knew that I was not a practicing Christian (I was raised Presbyterian and now consider myself Unitarian) but felt the underlying message of finding the tools for communicating unconditional love would overcome my inherent suspicion of overt dogma and religious rhetoric (no offense intended to my Christian blogging sisters, just a difference of philosophy).
The book details how we each have a unique way of feeling loved. Some of us want to be told we are loved (verbal affirmation), some want to just hang out together (quality time), some want “acts of service” (do something for me that shows me you care), some of us want gifts (an especially useful language of love during the holiday season), and some of us simply want physical affection (yeah, I know, this is probably the language of love for the vast majority of men!). So, as my husband raced around the house proving he was one in a million, I reminded myself that his language of love was “acts of service.” When he matched socks and hung the twinkling lights, he was showing me he loved me. Sigh. I just wanted to be with him because my language of love is quality time (and, to be clear, cleaning out the storage room together is not my definition of “quality” time).
The holiday season can be stressful for many reasons not the least of which is the pressure we feel to show those we love how much we love them. We are trained to think this means giving them bigger, better, more expensive gifts (ahh materialism, the true religion of our capitalist society. But I digress...). I learned that if we don’t show those we love in a way that they can understand and experience (i.e.: in their love language), they might not feel our love.
This is particularly true for children. My oldest son needs verbal affirmation. I make a special effort during this time of year to remind him of how proud we are of him. My daughter just wants to hang out together. We bake and bake and bake some more. My youngest? I think he wants it all but at the very least he needs my full attention (telling him I love him while I hug him and make sure to set aside time to be with him). He and I try to see as many movies together as we can over the holiday break. All this loving doesn’t replace the demand for gifts (still haven’t solved the gimme kid problem) but it does offer them some sense that there is more to giving (and getting) than the newest iPod.
Their gift to me? Each year, just before Christmas, we visit my favorite church, Glide Memorial Methodist, in San Francisco. We listen to Reverend Cecil Williams share stories of his language of love - acts of service - and remind ourselves that giving love is far more rewarding than anything we could receive. After the sermon is over and the choir is done bringing down God’s house, we walk past the holiday decorations in Union Square and have dim sum at our favorite Chinese restaurant. By the end of a day like this, you can’t help but feel the love.
As for my husband, I’m working on convincing him that the mere fact I have stayed with him all these years is my act of service. Unfortunately, he’s not buying it. He wants that storage room organized sometime between now and the new year. Oh well....
***
Did you know that Santa Claus is the patron saint of pawnbrokers and that the song Jingle Bells was originally intended as a Thanksgiving song? You can find out more fun holiday facts
