Just Tryin' To Make Her Purdy

I and the munchkins went to my parent’s house last week. Since my mom takes care of Gozer and Gamer as many as 5 out of 7 days some weeks we got to see both of them. Spock was very happy to see Gozer and there was much playing of games. That first night, they decided to share a bed because sleepover!

This was, in hindsight, a mistake on Spock’s part.

Spock fell asleep, and she sleeps very soundly. Gozer was, in contrast, still wide awake. That’s when sweet niece got the idea to do Spock’s hair and makeup so that she would be all “purdy” in the morning when she woke up.

The first thing Gozer did was to put a bright blue flower clip in Spock’s hair. It was lovely, and she wanted suitable makeup to match. Guess what she found in the bathroom that was the same bright blue color as the flower? Yes! Kid’s bubble-fruit toothpaste!

Gozer applied the toothpaste liberally to Spock’s bangs. That looked so purdy that Gozer unbraided Spock’s waist-length hair and decorated it with even more toothpaste. A whole tube full in fact. I have to admit that the color matched the flower clip perfectly.

Once she was done with Spock’s hair, it was time to do Spock’s makeup. Gozer found a small tube of pink lip gloss and squirted it all over Spock’s mouth, only getting a glob or two up Spock’s left nostril. This would have worked better all around if the “lip gloss” had not been my grandmother’s Fixodent denture adhesive. In fairness, the Fixodent was peach with a pearly sheen so it could be easily mistaken for lip gloss.

For her next trick, Gozer selected my mom’s eyebrow pencil. To make sure it was JUST the right color, she tested it by drawing all over the guestroom bedding. The bedding happens to be mint green sheets and pillowcases made of high thread count Egyptian cotton that were hella expensive. Did y’all know that eyebrow pencil will make a mark with Sharpie-like resilience to washing? I had not known that. Now, I do.

After decorating Spock’s face with lush eyebrows and what I can only assume were tribal tattoos, Gozer looked upon her handy work and saw it was good … but not great. She needed eye shadow and blusher that matched the blue in Spock’s hair. Gozer then climbed to the top of the bathroom cabinets like a monkey and got down a brand new tube of kid’s bubble-fruit toothpaste. My mom had thought she had put it out of reach, since Gozer loves to squeeze toothpaste tubes. My mother was deluding herself.

It was only after Gozer had gunked on the “eye shadow” that Spock awoke. Sticky and upset, she fled to the living room where her clueless mother and Granny were watching TV. She went to Granny’s rocking chair first. Granny’s screams of dismay quickly alerted me that all was not well. Unfortunately, they also made Spock start crying. Toothpaste in the eye stings and Fixodent makes your nose stuffy, so crying was Not Good.

I hustled Spock into the shower wherein I saved her from a life of goop, while Granny tracked down the culprit responsible for my daughter’s clown face. Gozer, having heard Granny scream, knew there was trouble in the wind and had absconded.

My mom’s house has, because of door placement, what is basically an endless loop for a kid to run on. Gozer is FAST. Granny is SLOW. Thus, every so often I would see Gozer streak by the bathroom door, mere inches beyond Granny’s reach, running like the blazes and shrieking “I was just tryin’ to make her purdy!” at decibels more suited for a firetruck's siren.

Spock’s hair, face, and nostrils were successfully cleaned. Gozer was eventually caught, fussed at, and put to bed in another room, a cruelty which made her wail piteously. The sheets on Spock’s bed were changed and my daughter returned to the comfort of fresh linen. As I kissed her goodnight, she told me “Making people pretty without asking is rude.” The next day she and Gozer played together like normal, as though the curious incident of toothpaste in the nighttime had not occurred.

Granny’s mint green bedding, however, will never be the same.

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