Chalk it up to spending too much time in the car alone, but I may have done too much thinking this weekend.
I just arrived home after a 4 and 1/2 hour drive from New Hampshire, where I visited my college roommate and met her sweet little offspring for the first time. Let it be known that every Saturday night should be spent on the couch watching 3 and 4 year olds perform.*
It was uplifting to have dinner with friends whom I gradually lost touch with since Time hijacked the party. Last night, I laughed (HARD) with genuinely good people. It’s strange to think that I once saw them multiple times a day for years at a time, and now we hardly email on much more than a yearly basis. I shared so many “firsts” with this crowd – both good and bad. It occurred to me that as an adult, you never really meet friends that can grow with you like that.
It’s been over 10 years since we graduated from the Beer and Spoiled Princess Capital of America, when we were still invincible in our sweatpants and lettered tees. Back then, just point me to the nearest keg and frat house on a Friday night, and I was “living.” How else is a girl to unwind after a long week of not working hard? Daytime talk shows take a welcomed toll on your mental health, and coming up with excuses for not attending class is truly exhausting. If not for the weekends, college would have been pure anguish.
I realize now that at 21, I was nowhere near the point of understanding the brevity of Youth and the fragility of Life. Even now, as I’ve learned to accept that things change, Time’s pace quickens, and people will both float and storm out of your life despite your best efforts to retain them, I often get scared by Reality. I jump straight from knowing that I’m not guaranteed any more than this very moment, to being petrified of losing it all tomorrow to a terminal illness or a tragic accident. There is no in-between.
I want to cherish every instant. I want to be a better friend. I want to let go of the small stuff and forgive, forgive, forgive. I want to spend my days alive being kind to others and kinder still to myself.
I want to find that in-between.
*take turns announcing one another “on stage” repeatedly for 30 minute intervals, alluding to but not actually executing any sort of actual performance.