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Well, what better time to start my very first post on BlogHer than during my peak "vampire hours."
I'm a young, unmarried new mommy trying to adjust to this new lifestyle of mine. My son's about to be 4 months and I still can't really say that I'm at that comfortable point yet. I'm the youngest of a large family of 5. Anyone who grew up with me can tell you that I've always been the marrying kind. The good girl that would have it all settled and questions of life answered by the time I'm 25. Who the hell knows what thats supposed to mean anyway?
I'm 23, thought I had it all figured out until oops...surprise, surprise a baby is on the way. Now, I'm really not too sure. I still want to get married (to my boyfriend who is also the father of my son if you're wondering). But, I certainly do not know what's next anymore.
Here I am 1:30 in the morning, can't sleep like some ancient vampire, anticipating my child's next feeding, dreading the fact that he has to go in for the millionth vaccination tomorrow. I feel like I'm consumed with all things baby, but I'm fighting it trying to keep some sort of individuality to myself at the same time. Does that sound absurd? Or maybe even a little selfish? Screw it, I don't care.
Besides one other girlfriend I'm the only one out of my close circle of girlfriends to have a child. They continue to party and bar hop every other night (like I used to) but sing praises and envy that I have this adorable extra little human in my life. Lord knows he is my blessing and this is what I've prayed for since I was 6 years old. But, I couldn't begin to tell you how much I've wanted my old life back. At times I'm so thankful that all of this has made me blossom into this mature, responsible woman. But then again I still feel like a little girl, still waiting for this big world to amaze me somehow. I know it's naive to even think that. I'm desperately trying to piece these strange puzzle pieces together but they're not fitting. I'm not content 100% and that truly frustrates me. I'm glad to be a mother but not as fulfilled as other mothers say they are. I tend to wonder if something's wrong with me in that sense.
I guess that's it for now. A relaxing night on the couch with my boyfriend and a couple glasses of vodka and red bull has done the trick. It brought out my deepest thoughts that have been buried for months.
P.s. I'm sure it will be more obvious in future blogs, but I am a music fanatic! Seriously. I'll post a video I'm currently playing in each blog to show you a taste of what's inspiring me.