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“What do you think about going out for dinner?”
“Let’s go see a movie tonight!”
“How about catching a ballgame?”
Before you had a baby, you could spontaneously go on trips, enjoy a late night dinner, and hit the gym at 8 p.m. Once you assume responsibility for a child, you no longer have these luxuries. This may not seem to be a big deal during the first few months of your baby’s life (the fourth trimester), when you’re spending all of your “free” time sleeping, eating, or (if you are lucky) taking a shower. But, when your baby gets a bit older and you are starting to break out of the fog, you long for the old days of dinner out at a moment’s notice, a date with your spouse or partner, and even just going out to grab a coffee. You notice how your friends (who either don’t have kids or have older kids) get to do all sorts of things you don’t get to do. You reminisce about times past, telling your spouse, “Remember when we could just jump in the car and go?”
It was right about the time my son turned 6 months old (and again when my daughter turned 6 months old) that I was asking these same questions. I looked wistfully at other couples who had older children, and wishing I could fast forward to a time when both my children were walking, feeding themselves, and toilet trained. I also remembered trying to do things with friends who either didn’t have children or whose kids were older, and being unable to keep up the pace. When you reach this stage, you can have a little temper tantrum (something I am ashamed to admit doing), or you can calmly reassess the value of these things in your life right now. This reassessment was much easier after my daughter was born, as I had gone through it before, and I knew it was coming. After my son was born, however, it took me completely by surprise.
A significant number of my friends were also my co-workers, with whom I spent a fair amount of time after work and on the weekends. So, before I had children, I was free to meet co-workers after work at a bar, for a baseball game, or to watch an early morning soccer match at a local Irish pub. Because of this freedom, I developed a close bond with a number of my co-workers. I never really wondered how my co-workers with young children were spending their time.
When my daughter was born, I only had one co-worker with young children. New moms are generally sensitive to the fact that their single or non-parent co-workers/friends don’t want to hear them ramble on about their baby. But, if you work with other new moms or people with young children, you will have a more sympathetic audience. If you are the only one with a baby, it can be awkward for you, your co-workers, and your employer. Just as you have to reassess your values in your personal life, you also have to reassess what you value in your work life. No longer will you be able to attend all the events frequented by singles or couples without small children. For a time, this may depress you a bit. I remember feeling left out and that somehow I wasn’t going to be in line for a promotion or the next big project because I was no longer buddy-buddy with my co-workers. The truth is that in well-managed companies any advancement within your organization will be determined solely by your performance. Take comfort in this, for you will not be able to return to your previous “free” lifestyle until your children are much older. And, more importantly, you won’t want to. After I had my little pity party, I realized that I had much more fun at home with my family. There are certain functions you need to attend, depending upon your role within the organization. But, most of the revelry will seem unimportant
