Kids! Go Outside and Play! (If your helicopter parent will let you.)

This article is EXACTLY the way that I feel as a parent.  I have three children, the oldest being 10, next 8, and the baby is 4.  I let my children play outside of my house every day.  I stay out when the 4 year old is outside, but the older two I gladly let play without feeling the need to hover over them.  We live in a trailer community, and there has been a problem with speeders, so my oldest son went to his school counselor to ask her advice on trying to change the trailer park by getting some speed bumps put in.  She felt that by my letting my children out to play every day, I am "inadequately supervising' my children, and proceded to call Arkansas DCFS on me.  I am being persecuted as a CHILD ABUSER because I chose to let my children play outside.  My husband and I are going to be placed in a central registry as offenders against children, just the same as someone who batters or starves a child, all because we let them outside to play!  THIS is the real reason for helicopter parenting, the government agencies have decided that our children should not play outside without us hovering over them, and if we dare to believe otherwise, we are branded as child abusers.  I have lost my job working with disabled children because of this situation!  My life has been thrown to the sharks, just for the simple act of trying to keep my children from becoming obese couch potatoes. 

I think if your child is  prepared for the possible dangers in the world. Such as checking your neighborhood and the path they are taking for possible predators that live on the way. Making sure they have a plan in case of an emergency such as talking to strangers, and the rules of crossing the street, and what to do with unfamiliar dogs. We can not forget to be the  protecter's of our children's innocenct views of their world. so this all must be done when each parent feels their child is capable of understanding the real priveledge that freedom comes with.   Because if something happens it's too late and there are things in life we all know can never be undone. As long as we are realistic about our reality then children will not have to suffer because of parents uneducated choices.

As a mom of a four year old I am only in the thoeretical stages of deciding what kind of parent I want to be in this regard. I'm not letting him ride his bike to the library yet. Is that because we live in the downtown core of a large city? Or is it because I'm a helicopter parent?

I definitely have helicopter tendencies. Awareness is the first step, no? I self talk a lot. Where possible or reasonable, I let him fall and let him drop stuff. Because I believe that we all learn best through experience ... and not through someone nattering on about it in our ear. But I'm only able to keep my trap shut when I know the consequences will be no more than a few tears. So, my test is 'what if' ... 'what will happen if he drops the lego house on the carpet' versus 'what will happen if he drops my glass vase on the brick hearth'.

I think I need a new test as I'm faced with the prospect of letting him out in the big world, alone. Because the 'what if's are just too horrifying. Thankfully I have a couple of more years to work this out. Or is it a few?

In the meantime, I am gobbling up all the intelligent discussion above and really appreciate this post. Thank you. 

Jackie

http://living.weelife.com

It's about the wee things.

My husband and I often talk about how "things used to be."  I always thought I'd raise my kids the same way.  I know many helicopter parents and I'm even more of one than I'd like to admit.  But more often than not I try to refer to my "lazy way" when speaking to my friends.  A sort of hint.  I put myself into the lazy category while trying to nudge them to get off their kids ass.  Who decided that your a "bad" parent if your not into every little aspect of your kids life?  

http://porkchopsanddustbunnies.blogspot.com/ 

My correlation in this instance, however, was not one of possession but of value. While we do not "own" our children, we do bear ultimate responsibility for their health and safety. Most certainly independence and coping skills are important, but these also have to be weighed against our ability to allow these skills to be developed in a safe and nurturing environment. In many communities, neighbors don't even know one another, much less have the capacity to entrust the care of their precious children to one another. Yes, allow your children their freedom when it can be done safely, but also realize that each of us lives in a different community and what is appropriate for your family may not extrapolate to every other. This does not make someone elses choices wrong.

I would never advocate an alarmist nature or obsessing over potential danger in your neighborhood, but neither do I think it wise to advocate a lack of education on what is out there. Not reading the sex offender registry will not make the danger down the street go away. It will, however, make you less prepared to deal with it.

I'm OK with being a so-called helicopter parent. In my asessment, my children's safety is more important than just about everything else. I'm not willing to accept the added potential risks imposed by allowing them to roam freely and unsupervised over my neighborhood. But those are my children, and my right. You have the right to make alternate choices. These are difficult issues and everyone deserves to be respected for how they choose to balance them. 

perceived and also know our kids.

In the old village ways where we all watched EVERYONE's kids...kids were taught easily how to communicate with other parents...learned how to be polite etc.

nowadays..not so much.

they are also not getting the chance to work out the usual childhood stuff on their own...without us solving all their problems.

I think the younger generations could be a tad emotionaly stunted.

I also feel sad that we have a world where most kids can't just PLAY...not organized ANYTHING....just play...let their imaginations run wild..without us breathing down their necks.

Look for me at http://crunchycarpets.com or check out the ladies at www.wetcoastwomen.com ( http://www.wetcoastwomen.com )

Although I don't wish to question the aphorisms of your dad, the fact of the matter is that you basically confirmed Lenore's point by using an analogy of a child to a valued possession.  You don't own your child.  Your role as parent is not simply to protect that child the way you would a Picasso.  It is a far more complex balancing act of protecting on the one hand and letting go and encouraging independence and coping skills on the other.  The only reasonable way to make those judgements is by making realistic assessments of risk, not by resorting to cliches that sound good but make no actual sense.  Stop reading the sex offender lists and let your kid play.

And I love it!  Tons of kids - both boys and girls - and they all race around like banshees, riding bikes and scooters and playing games together.

I let my six year old go out on her own with her friends.  My three year old needs supervision - either my husband or me, or one of the older neighbor kids who enjoy looking after her.

Likewise, my six year old and our 11 year old neighbor walk home from school together - in fact, I wrote about one incident involving BB guns (http://mothergoosemouse.com/2007/10/04/really-the-... ( http://mothergoosemouse.com/2007/10/04/really-the-... )) and the two of them still walked home again together the very next day.

Great post, Jenn.

Julie

mothergoosemouse ( http://www.mothergoosemouse.com/ )

Working with students is now an unpleasant thing due to constant accountability, and I'm not just talking academics here.  Even though I teach teenagers, I have to have my eyeballs stuck to 30 kids at a time and make sure that no one is touching someone else or taking another's things, etc, lest a parent call me and chew me out for not watching her child close enough.  I'm tired of the smothering charade.  Kids are morhping into coddled sissies and it is driving my fellow teachers and I crazy.  I remember a time when kids worked things out amongst themselves and didn't need adult intervention for every minute facet of their lives.

Of course, as a military family, I live in the largest county in California with a sex offender listing numbering thousands. They are easily within close walking distance of our house, the kids school, etc. Teaching the kids to be independent is important, but their safety is moreso. Growing up, my dad always used to say if you wouldn't leave a million dollars or your most valued posession out unsupervised, why would you leave your child. No judgement imposed on parents who make different choices for their children, but I have to agree.

Laurie, mom of 3 

Halo Secretarial Services ( http://halosecretarialservices.com/blog/2008/08/18... )

Mobile Mommy ( http://vamomof3boys.com/blog )

Well my kids are really young still and I definitely keep a pretty close eye on them.  They play in our yard (front or back) unsupervised much of the time and they free play A LOT. But I'm not about to send them off biking etc yet, they still don't follow traffic rules well enough.  I sure hope I can  by the time they are a bit older though.  I think I'll probably fall between helicopter parent and a free range parent!

I remember long summer days outside.  What fun!  I find it sad that kids don't play outside more nowadays.  My kids, age 2 and 5, play outside just about every day.  Of course, they are too young to roam around on their own yet.  I think because things are a little bit different nowadays, I will keep a tighter rein on them outside.  But I am all for unorganized, (or organized by kids) play, even if the parents keep an eye on the kids.  There are too many organized activities for young children nowadays. 

If the parents want to be involved with their kids, and that is why they are helicopter parents, the perfect solution is to spend some time reading books with their children!  Of course, being a reading specialist turned stay-at-home mom, I am naturally drawn to reading. But, it truly is a very important time you can spend with your children.

Carrie

www.parentchildreading.com ( http://www.parentchildreading.com/ )

get's to know their neighbours or that there is people around during the day to WATCH out for the kids....

less and less families are single income these days.

We are lucky in that we live in a townhouse complex..no through traffic and all the houses on cul de  sacs...they ride their bikes and run around...

I keep the door open and keep an ear out to whatever might be going on.

My mom in an other court does the same.

many are not so lucky

 Look for me at http://crunchycarpets.com or check out the ladies at www.wetcoastwomen.com ( http://www.wetcoastwomen.com )

I moved to the U.S. from Israel, where kids do play unsupervised, 10 years ago.

We live in a small city near San Francisco. Crime rates here are low.

But the message that I get from other local parents, and certainly from the media, is that kids must be supervised at all times. Even when they are out playing in your own back yard.

My kids do play - by themselves - in the yard of course. They also have play dates with other children several times each week, in addition to enrichment classes such as gymnastics and swimming. But it's always planned and carefully supervised.

My daughters are 6 and 8.

When I look around the neighborhood, it seems that parents here are starting to let go a little when the kids are around 11 or 12. That's when you see kids riding their bikes to the library by themselves, or being sent to the supermarket by their parents for milk and such.

"Is this safe parenting or is it overprotective parenting?" That depends. Is there more crime now than 30 years ago? Surely traffic is significantly more dangerous. What about crimes against children? Do they happen more now, or are the rates about the same and it's just the media that makes us feel as if child abductions and abuse are a daily occurrence?

As long as I don't have the answer, I'd rather be safe than sorry.
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I blog at MomGrind ( http://momgrind.com/ )

I manage my kids' activities at UpToUs ( http://www.uptous.com/ )

In the faculty room at school, teachers often talk about "helicopter mothers" and how they are smothering their kids. Letting your child learn to be an independent person is such an important part of good mothering.

Kalyn Denny
Kalyn's Kitchen ( http://kalynskitchen.blogspot.com )

You're SO right about our own survival, and I agree it was a wonderful way to grow up.

People are quick to point out that the world has changed, and I guess they're right. The worst change isn't in the dangers however, but in our dealing with it, I think: the risk of a child being kidnapped or hit by a car while outside playing is minuscule; the more common danger we face when we let our kids out to play is, as you've said, collective horror in our neighbours and ourselves being labeled a bad, negligent, or worse 'uncaring' parent. So if something catastrophic happened, whether lost child or traffic accident, you'd be blamed, thoroughly and fast. 

 What we seem to forget is that kids protect themselves and each other just as we do; there is safety in numbers. Plus, remember how all the neighbourhood mothers seemed to have an eye on us? We thought we were off on our own, but just try to do something stupid like climb on the garage roof to retrieve a ball: *someone* was going to yell out a window, or phone your mother.

 Part of the reason our family moved out into the countryside was so that our kids could get out of the house and play---I knew I couldn't let them do that in a city without being villified or having social welfare people sent to our door, and it does feel safer out here among the trees and cow pastures. Our children's only rules are 1. to stay on their own farm unless they let me know where they're going, and 2. don't get themselves killed.

Works for us.

;-)

Great post!

Susan

stonyriverfarm.blogspot.com ( http://stonyriverfarm.blogspot.com/ )

www.carersgroup.com ( http://www.carersgroup.com/ )