![Nora pretends not to know us copy by (Lawyer Mama [Steph]), http://www.flickr.com/photos/lawyermama/2694030307/in/pool-726187@N25](http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3180/2694030307_db96ccbde4_t.jpg "Nora pretends not to know us copy by (Lawyer Mama [Steph]), http://www.flickr.com/photos/lawyermama/2694030307/in/pool-726187@N25")
Kids! Go Outside and Play! (If your helicopter parent will let you.)
by As a child, summertime meant playing with my friends all day. Outside.
Without a parent hovering over me. It was simple. We jumped out of bed, snarfed down some breakfast and raced out to meet the "pack of kids" that roamed the neighborhood. We played until the streetlamps came on. Then? We scattered like roaches diving onto our front porches and driveways to ensure we made it home before all of the streetlamps turned on and we were "late" in getting home. Sure, we could check in now and then with our own mothers or the mothers of our friends but that was only when we were foraging for food or something to drink. (We were usually sent outside to the hose if it was for something to drink.)
Today? It is highly unlikely that you will see many kids outside playing without a parent just over their shoulder or definitely within 100 yards. It is rare to see a "pack of kids" outside roaming and just being kids. Which of course makes me wonder how they learn the fine games of childhood? How do you play the most awesome hide and seek game known to man if you aren't outside and have houses as boundaries rather than rooms? What about the old pranks of pretending to hold a string across the street when a car goes by and seeing if it will stop short because of it? Kickball in the street? Chase? Bike races? Are we just counting on the fact that our schools will provide enough physical activity our kids needs? Even if they do, what about the lessons of freedom, independence and self-confidence that comes with having some freedom?
When did our society become one that shelters our children so much that they are afraid to leave the safety of home to just go outside and play? Are we protecting them or are we doing them more harm than good? Can our kids learn how to be self-sufficient and-- just as important-- confident in their own abilities to take care of themselves when we never let them venture out of our sight for more than a few moments?
Do you remember in March, Lenore Skenazy, a New York City mother, gave her 9-year-old
son, Izzy, a MetroCard, a subway map, a $20 bill and some quarters for
pay phones. Then she let him make his own way home from Bloomingdale's
department store -- by subway and bus. She wrote about the experience for the The New York Sun and came under some serious fire and criticism for it? She fought back in a 21st century way, according the the LA Times.
Skenazy responded to the firestorm generated by her column by starting a new website -- freerangekids.wordpress.com
-- dedicated to giving "our kids the freedom we had." She explains: "We
believe in safe kids. ... We do NOT believe that every time school-age
children go outside, they need a security detail."
Good for her! Today parents are sold a bill of good that if we are not hovering over our children 24/7, they will be hurt, kidnapped or suffer some trauma that will all be on our shoulders because we were not with them at the time. I am not denying that there are some instances where we really need to watch over our children. And, I do know that the times? They have changed. But children? They have not. They need the freedom to go outside and play. To live their lives.
From the FreeRangeKids website, this is a brief description of the site and who it is geared towards:
Do You Ever...
..let your kid ride a bike to the library? Walk alone to school? Take a
bus, solo? Or are you thinking about it? If so, you are raising a Free
Range Kid! At Free Range, we believe in safe kids. We believe in
helmets, car seats and safety belts. We do NOT believe that every time
school age children go outside, they need a security detail. Most of us
grew up Free Range and lived to tell the tale. Our kids deserve no
less. This site dedicated to sane parenting. Share your stories, tell
your tips and maybe one day I will try to collect them in a book.
Meantime, let's try to help our kids embrace life! (And maybe even
clear the table.)
One blogger that definitely is raising a FreeRangeKid is SJ of the blog i,asshole. I love how even in the face of criticism both she and her daughter stood by what they felt was working for both of them. Notice...working and for them in that sentence? Isn't that what parenthood is all about. This is what SJ has to say about it.
Flack, there was flack, flack ahoy. Like a responsible netizen (oh yers
I did) I did not tell you that my big kid was walking by herself to and
from school every day. When I moved to this neighborhood, this is
something I thought would be a possibility with the children, along
with running to the store for bananas, to the methadone clinic, etc,
etc....And she went! A little scared on the first day. There was some
hesitancy and some surprise from her teacher, who called me on the
first day she was to come home. "She's here and I'm sending her home
now, right? Okay?" Right, okay. Her teacher is used to the helicopter parenting, which is about 47 times less amusing than a roflcopter.And then it got interesting. The sound of chopper blades filled the
air. People started cluing in to the fact that Franny was embarking
alone daily on a five-minute walk. OMFGBBQ, release the hounds. A
parent told her that she should not be walking home by herself, after
she and I had decided it was okay and that she was ready. Did you catch
that? Another parent told my little fledging independent
so-proud-of-herself kid that what she was doing was not okay. Another
well-meaning parent offered her a ride.
Even when we make a decision for our own families there are times that is rejected by other "well meaning" parents who are "just trying to help" when they see a child showing some independence. What kind of adults are we raising if we wait until they are old enough to leave legally before we trust them with any independence?
I will admit to my moments of helicopter parenting when it comes to my youngest. And I know that my kids have less freedoms than I had at their age. Is this safe parenting or is it overprotective parenting? Are we doing more harm than good? What message are we sending to our kids?
Do your kids go outside and play or are they homebound if you are not with them? Is there a right or wrong answer to this? Let me know what you think. In the meantime, I am going outside to play. (And my kids aren't even home to watch over me!)
---
Other sites referencing this subject:
boingboing: http://www.boingboing.net/2008/08/25/kids-cant-go-out-and.html
Daily Mail Online: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-462091/How-children-lost-right-r...
---
Contirbuting Editor (Mommy & Family) Jennifer Satterwhite also writes at Mommy Needs Coffee and Parenting.
Posted In
Comments
Brave and well done!
You're SO right about our own survival, and I agree it was a wonderful way to grow up.
People are quick to point out that the world has changed, and I guess they're right. The worst change isn't in the dangers however, but in our dealing with it, I think: the risk of a child being kidnapped or hit by a car while outside playing is minuscule; the more common danger we face when we let our kids out to play is, as you've said, collective horror in our neighbours and ourselves being labeled a bad, negligent, or worse 'uncaring' parent. So if something catastrophic happened, whether lost child or traffic accident, you'd be blamed, thoroughly and fast.
What we seem to forget is that kids protect themselves and each other just as we do; there is safety in numbers. Plus, remember how all the neighbourhood mothers seemed to have an eye on us? We thought we were off on our own, but just try to do something stupid like climb on the garage roof to retrieve a ball: *someone* was going to yell out a window, or phone your mother.
Part of the reason our family moved out into the countryside was so that our kids could get out of the house and play---I knew I couldn't let them do that in a city without being villified or having social welfare people sent to our door, and it does feel safer out here among the trees and cow pastures. Our children's only rules are 1. to stay on their own farm unless they let me know where they're going, and 2. don't get themselves killed.
Works for us.
;-)
Great post!
Susan
stonyriverfarm.blogspot.com
www.carersgroup.com
It is true..rarely do people live in areas
now where everyone
get's to know their neighbours or that there is people around during the day to WATCH out for the kids....
less and less families are single income these days.
We are lucky in that we live in a townhouse complex..no through traffic and all the houses on cul de sacs...they ride their bikes and run around...
I keep the door open and keep an ear out to whatever might be going on.
My mom in an other court does the same.
many are not so lucky
Look for me at http://crunchycarpets.com or check out the ladies at www.wetcoastwomen.com
Being persecuted for NOT being a helicopter
parent
This article is EXACTLY the way that I feel as a parent. I have three children, the oldest being 10, next 8, and the baby is 4. I let my children play outside of my house every day. I stay out when the 4 year old is outside, but the older two I gladly let play without feeling the need to hover over them. We live in a trailer community, and there has been a problem with speeders, so my oldest son went to his school counselor to ask her advice on trying to change the trailer park by getting some speed bumps put in. She felt that by my letting my children out to play every day, I am "inadequately supervising' my children, and proceded to call Arkansas DCFS on me. I am being persecuted as a CHILD ABUSER because I chose to let my children play outside. My husband and I are going to be placed in a central registry as offenders against children, just the same as someone who batters or starves a child, all because we let them outside to play! THIS is the real reason for helicopter parenting, the government agencies have decided that our children should not play outside without us hovering over them, and if we dare to believe otherwise, we are branded as child abusers. I have lost my job working with disabled children because of this situation! My life has been thrown to the sharks, just for the simple act of trying to keep my children from becoming obese couch potatoes.
Great post!
In the faculty room at school, teachers often talk about "helicopter mothers" and how they are smothering their kids. Letting your child learn to be an independent person is such an important part of good mothering.
Kalyn Denny
Kalyn's Kitchen
I didn't realize it was an option
I moved to the U.S. from Israel, where kids do play unsupervised, 10 years ago.
We live in a small city near San Francisco. Crime rates here are low.
But the message that I get from other local parents, and certainly from the media, is that kids must be supervised at all times. Even when they are out playing in your own back yard.
My kids do play - by themselves - in the yard of course. They also have play dates with other children several times each week, in addition to enrichment classes such as gymnastics and swimming. But it's always planned and carefully supervised.
My daughters are 6 and 8.
When I look around the neighborhood, it seems that parents here are starting to let go a little when the kids are around 11 or 12. That's when you see kids riding their bikes to the library by themselves, or being sent to the supermarket by their parents for milk and such.
"Is this safe parenting or is it overprotective parenting?" That depends. Is there more crime now than 30 years ago? Surely traffic is significantly more dangerous. What about crimes against children? Do they happen more now, or are the rates about the same and it's just the media that makes us feel as if child abductions and abuse are a daily occurrence?
As long as I don't have the answer, I'd rather be safe than sorry.
---
I blog at MomGrind
I manage my kids' activities at UpToUs
Go Outside and Play!
I remember long summer days outside. What fun! I find it sad that kids don't play outside more nowadays. My kids, age 2 and 5, play outside just about every day. Of course, they are too young to roam around on their own yet. I think because things are a little bit different nowadays, I will keep a tighter rein on them outside. But I am all for unorganized, (or organized by kids) play, even if the parents keep an eye on the kids. There are too many organized activities for young children nowadays.
If the parents want to be involved with their kids, and that is why they are helicopter parents, the perfect solution is to spend some time reading books with their children! Of course, being a reading specialist turned stay-at-home mom, I am naturally drawn to reading. But, it truly is a very important time you can spend with your children.
Carrie
www.parentchildreading.com
Free Range Kids
Laurie, mom of 3
Halo Secretarial Services
Mobile Mommy
Well my kids are really young still and I definitely keep a pretty close eye on them. They play in our yard (front or back) unsupervised much of the time and they free play A LOT. But I'm not about to send them off biking etc yet, they still don't follow traffic rules well enough. I sure hope I can by the time they are a bit older though. I think I'll probably fall between helicopter parent and a free range parent!
Helicopter parent here!
Of course, as a military family, I live in the largest county in California with a sex offender listing numbering thousands. They are easily within close walking distance of our house, the kids school, etc. Teaching the kids to be independent is important, but their safety is moreso. Growing up, my dad always used to say if you wouldn't leave a million dollars or your most valued posession out unsupervised, why would you leave your child. No judgement imposed on parents who make different choices for their children, but I have to agree.
Children Are Not Objects
Although I don't wish to question the aphorisms of your dad, the fact of the matter is that you basically confirmed Lenore's point by using an analogy of a child to a valued possession. You don't own your child. Your role as parent is not simply to protect that child the way you would a Picasso. It is a far more complex balancing act of protecting on the one hand and letting go and encouraging independence and coping skills on the other. The only reasonable way to make those judgements is by making realistic assessments of risk, not by resorting to cliches that sound good but make no actual sense. Stop reading the sex offender lists and let your kid play.
You are correct children are not objects.
My correlation in this instance, however, was not one of possession but of value. While we do not "own" our children, we do bear ultimate responsibility for their health and safety. Most certainly independence and coping skills are important, but these also have to be weighed against our ability to allow these skills to be developed in a safe and nurturing environment. In many communities, neighbors don't even know one another, much less have the capacity to entrust the care of their precious children to one another. Yes, allow your children their freedom when it can be done safely, but also realize that each of us lives in a different community and what is appropriate for your family may not extrapolate to every other. This does not make someone elses choices wrong.
I would never advocate an alarmist nature or obsessing over potential danger in your neighborhood, but neither do I think it wise to advocate a lack of education on what is out there. Not reading the sex offender registry will not make the danger down the street go away. It will, however, make you less prepared to deal with it.
I'm OK with being a so-called helicopter parent. In my asessment, my children's safety is more important than just about everything else. I'm not willing to accept the added potential risks imposed by allowing them to roam freely and unsupervised over my neighborhood. But those are my children, and my right. You have the right to make alternate choices. These are difficult issues and everyone deserves to be respected for how they choose to balance them.
Excellent thoughts!
Working with students is now an unpleasant thing due to constant accountability, and I'm not just talking academics here. Even though I teach teenagers, I have to have my eyeballs stuck to 30 kids at a time and make sure that no one is touching someone else or taking another's things, etc, lest a parent call me and chew me out for not watching her child close enough. I'm tired of the smothering charade. Kids are morhping into coddled sissies and it is driving my fellow teachers and I crazy. I remember a time when kids worked things out amongst themselves and didn't need adult intervention for every minute facet of their lives.
We've got a free range neighborhood
And I love it! Tons of kids - both boys and girls - and they all race around like banshees, riding bikes and scooters and playing games together.
I let my six year old go out on her own with her friends. My three year old needs supervision - either my husband or me, or one of the older neighbor kids who enjoy looking after her.
Likewise, my six year old and our 11 year old neighbor walk home from school together - in fact, I wrote about one incident involving BB guns (http://mothergoosemouse.com/2007/10/04/really-the-bike-riding-was-a-big-...) and the two of them still walked home again together the very next day.
Great post, Jenn.
Julie
mothergoosemouse
I think we have to weigh the 'real' dangers
vs
perceived and also know our kids.
In the old village ways where we all watched EVERYONE's kids...kids were taught easily how to communicate with other parents...learned how to be polite etc.
nowadays..not so much.
they are also not getting the chance to work out the usual childhood stuff on their own...without us solving all their problems.
I think the younger generations could be a tad emotionaly stunted.
I also feel sad that we have a world where most kids can't just PLAY...not organized ANYTHING....just play...let their imaginations run wild..without us breathing down their necks.
Look for me at http://crunchycarpets.com or check out the ladies at www.wetcoastwomen.com
So true...
My husband and I often talk about how "things used to be." I always thought I'd raise my kids the same way. I know many helicopter parents and I'm even more of one than I'd like to admit. But more often than not I try to refer to my "lazy way" when speaking to my friends. A sort of hint. I put myself into the lazy category while trying to nudge them to get off their kids ass. Who decided that your a "bad" parent if your not into every little aspect of your kids life?
http://porkchopsanddustbunnies.blogspot.com/
helicopter tendencies
As a mom of a four year old I am only in the thoeretical stages of deciding what kind of parent I want to be in this regard. I'm not letting him ride his bike to the library yet. Is that because we live in the downtown core of a large city? Or is it because I'm a helicopter parent?
I definitely have helicopter tendencies. Awareness is the first step, no? I self talk a lot. Where possible or reasonable, I let him fall and let him drop stuff. Because I believe that we all learn best through experience ... and not through someone nattering on about it in our ear. But I'm only able to keep my trap shut when I know the consequences will be no more than a few tears. So, my test is 'what if' ... 'what will happen if he drops the lego house on the carpet' versus 'what will happen if he drops my glass vase on the brick hearth'.
I think I need a new test as I'm faced with the prospect of letting him out in the big world, alone. Because the 'what if's are just too horrifying. Thankfully I have a couple of more years to work this out. Or is it a few?
In the meantime, I am gobbling up all the intelligent discussion above and really appreciate this post. Thank you.
Jackie
http://living.weelife.com
It's about the wee things.
Prior Proper Planning
I think if your child is prepared for the possible dangers in the world. Such as checking your neighborhood and the path they are taking for possible predators that live on the way. Making sure they have a plan in case of an emergency such as talking to strangers, and the rules of crossing the street, and what to do with unfamiliar dogs. We can not forget to be the protecter's of our children's innocenct views of their world. so this all must be done when each parent feels their child is capable of understanding the real priveledge that freedom comes with. Because if something happens it's too late and there are things in life we all know can never be undone. As long as we are realistic about our reality then children will not have to suffer because of parents uneducated choices.