Knock, Knock! Who's There? It's Lolita! Trick or Treat!

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I am utterly furious. Well, some of the fury has worn off since I got home, got my shoes off, and had dinner. But I'm still mostly furious.

My husband and I had decided to scout out Halloween costumes for the kids this afternoon. We were in the children's aisle of costumes at the local iParty, trying to find costumes that might be a good fit for our children. We were on the "Infant/Toddler" side of the aisle, oohing and aahing at the baby lion, Buzz Lightyear, and ladybug costumes, when I wandered inadvertently into the older girls' section. I turned the stroller around to head back to the smaller costumes, when this caught my eye:

I had to look again. Surely my eyes were deceiving me. Red Hot? Child Size Costume? Size Small?? And are those platform heels she's wearing? My heart skipped a few beats. I was reasonably certain I'd seen this outfit before. On a stripper. I tried to bring my focus back to the task at hand, tried to shake off what my eyes did see, but I couldn't. I took a quick, regrettable glance around. They were everywhere, closing in on me like the Queen of Hearts' playing card soldiers, towering over me, breathing heavily down my neck, and they were scary. And I started to freak out. Freak. Out. (Well, and take pictures.)

Because every graveyard needs a fairy, right? You know, to escort people to the other side. They should just call it what it is: Fetish Club Cocktail Waitress.

Time Out? Time Out for what? To check the sex offender registry?

She's a "Naughty Wizard." Someone please enlighten me as to what an 8-year-old knows about being 'naughty' besides that she's not supposed to run in the hallway. Whory Potter and the Inadequately Cloaked Genitals, anyone?

I'm pretty sure that car in the background is making that "Ah-Wooooga!!" sound.

Because the sign of any good party is a tiny beer wench.

Okay, well, this one's just creepy.

And finally (wait, what's that sound I hear? Is it...angels?), sticking out like the sorest thumb I've ever seen, all alone on the wall, was poor Mary. Poor, poor Mary, bearing the weight of all these sinners, trying desperately to reign in her wayward flock. Poor Mary, who will either sell out first, or be tossed asunder, relegated to the Clearance bin.

So there you have it. It's Halloween again, time to sex up your daughter and send her out on the streets at night.

I have been trying to tell myself that conservative will make a comeback before my daughter fits into size 4-6. I have been trying to tell myself that the makers of these costumes didn't intend for them to be so trashy and wrong. I have been trying to tell myself that none of this really happened. But it did.

Truth is, I see nothing funny or cute about these costumes or anyone who lays down the scratch to buy them. I think these costumes are beyond inappropriate for children, and I think it even more inappropriate for a parent to see one of these (except for dear Mary there), and purchase it for her daughter.

What happened to monster costumes? Or the Bride of Frankenstein? Or zombies? Or a cowgirl? No, not a "naughty cowgirl" (She can tie a lasso with her tongue!), just a cowgirl. Or a ghost. Or something that's just not dirty. And why do kids have to wear these? Aren't there enough whores-for-a-day on Halloween as it is?

When my daughter is old enough for all this, I'm going to cut two holes in a sheet and call it a day. Or maybe she can wear that Mary costume. By the time she's old enough, though, Mary will be wearing a one-sleeved mesh minidress, boobie tassles, thigh highs with garters, and will be holding a lollipop. Oh, never mind. I give up.

Momma Be Thy Name

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