Know What You Want In A Relationship? I Do. So What?
by Liz Rizzo

It always seems to me like knowing what you want will make things so much better. And yet, once you get there – no matter how long THAT takes – you soon find that knowing what you want is more like a first step in a process. And getting there is the real nightmare.

I remember in my 20s when I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. If only I could figure it out, I reasoned, then everything would be so much better. I ached to be rid of the quest to figure out what I wanted.

Then I discovered that I could go to film school and so decided it would be possible to become a director. Which put me on a path all right. It was a relief to know what I wanted. But it was just the beginning of a journey that is full of many more challenges beyond just figuring out what you want. Turns out that was the easy part.

Still, though, I thought that when I figure out what really mattered to me in a relationship, surely *that* would be a huge relief that made all the difference. No more indecision and uncertainty! Easier decisions! How could this make things anything but better, romantically speaking?

I read a book once where the author posited that when you break up with someone, if you look back you’ll find that you experienced the reason for the break-up in the first month or two of the relationship. I believe that that’s true.

And, I know what’s important to me and what I want in a partner.

How else can you put it besides cost/benefit analysis? Sometimes I don’t hit everything on my must haves / can’t stand lists from eHarmony (yes, I totally printed them out because I think they’re the best thing I ever got from eHarmony), but when I give one up there’s a damn good reason. That I considered thoroughly before moving forward.

Of course, some things by necessity reveal themselves later. The holidays, for example, land when they land. Ripe with opportunities to learn new things.

It’s true that I can’t really look at the first few months of my last relationship and surmise that he would get all the way to October and then not be excited about spending the holidays with me. That one is a stumper, and so I have to believe that it’s more to do with us and me and what he ultimately wants, than the holidays really.

But see, that brings me back to my original point. I know what I want. I’m making decisions within the first six months of a relationship. I’m doing the cost benefit analysis. It’s not outside the realm of possibility that something new might present itself later in the relationship that changes my position. And yes, I realize that perhaps this is what happened - something I did,
something about me that wasn't evident in the beginning? But me, well usually, I’m a first 3 months dumper, maybe 6, even more likely: 1 month in.

Man, is that weird? My point is, though, that even when YOU know what you want, your partner may take longer to figure it out.

And then you may find yourself heartbroken for the holidays in what would have been month 11.

So exactly how much good does knowing what *I* want ever do me?

~

Linky Goodness from the BlogHer Sex & Relationships Blogs:

Stockholm Syndrome - vanbono writes about being in the sh*t.

What If He's Cheating? - dashingscorpio offers a different perspective on this particular relationship fear.

Sustainable Relationships - MaryanneLive offers sage advice for nurturing the relationship you're in.

~

Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo (view blog) on Thu, 11/05/2009 - 8:15pm

Comments

 

Tough decisions

This article hits on things that I think a lot of (single) women face in their late twenties or early thirties. We've had enough relationships to know what we want, yet nothing's been good enough yet, or at least not good enough to last "forever." However, I've noticed that my two best relationships were the ones for which I had no expectations starting out. I don't think much of the guy at first, he grows on me, and he doesn't have to live up to some preconceived notion of the perfect partner. My worst relationships have been the ones where the guy was "perfect on paper" or "exactly my type."I don't know what the answer is - I'm not single, but I'm not married either.

One of my friends sees problems early on and gets out of the relationship - she would much rather be single than put up with someone's BS. I envy her that level of strength and resolution, and perhaps it is part of her own self-awareness. She's also a bit younger than me. But I wonder sometimes if it can be worth it to work through the things that seem like problems in the first few months. I've also read that it takes several months to see a person's "real" personality.

Thanks for your article. You're definitely not alone.

Submitted by sgoyette on Fri, 11/06/2009 - 02:40
 

Relationship How-To

DrCoachLove.com

The seeds for a relationship breakup are always there from the beginning. The seeds (or reasons) may be hidden in: truths not told, lies spoken, differences overlooked, subjects not addressed, broad tolerance at the beginning, unimportant beliefs at the time, the simple evolution/events of the relationship, and any manner of the unknown and yet to be discovered. Then, are all relationships doomed to destruction?

Absolutely not. The most important key to lasting relationships is the ability to identify these seeds honestly and develop a stable model of communication and conflict resolution. We need to be aware of the sprouting.

Some differences are important and others are not. When opposites attract, is it exciting when we see in someone else the qualities we admire and do not have. Over time, if we learn from each other we become more similar and we are enriched. Otherwise, what was once an attractive quality (opposite from us) becomes an annoyance or relationship deal breaker. Recognizing and handling our differences is key.

Having a list of qualities for your relationship/partner can be a useful tool --- but only if the list is neither too short nor too long and is prioritized. Think about qualities in terms of must haves, great to haves, and also goods.

The "must haves" are needs deeply rooted in your core values and represent the priority tier. A second tier for your list would be the "great to haves" based mostly on your important likes and dislikes. The third tier, the "also goods" are your casual preferences. You can also make a list by brainstorming and coming up with between 12 to 18 qualities. Then divide the list into the three tiers--- with no less than three or more than six items in each tier.

This process can help you gain clarity to identify a relationship that will work for you long-term--- but not without excellent communication and conflict resolution skills. If you find top-tier issues early in the relationship, despite compatibilities in the lower tiers, it may signal the wisdom of an early end to the relationship. But if the top-tier is workable, you may want to hang in for a while to see how the rest develops.

Remember, just like a handheld grater, whether we rub off or grate on someone depends on which side we slide the cheese.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

www.DrCoachLove.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Submitted by Dr. Coach Love on Fri, 11/06/2009 - 09:52
 

That will never change

I have been in love with the same man for 15 years, and only together three this coming January, you will always question what you want, it is being human. I would not exchange my relationship, nor do I doubt we are in love, but we both question our daily needs and wants and desires all the time.

That is natural, and will not change even walking down that aisle. You will always want more out of a relationship, I mean if you are seeking a committed one and not one that allows other partners etc.. I am referring to a monogamous relationship, and one based on the desire of a long lasting and committed relationship with only two partners involved.

Sometimes I get upset that I am the one that picks up after him, then I think about that again, and realize I get to stay at home and pursue my writing as a career if I pick up after him, you fight your desires even in committed relationships

 

Submitted by prophetlady on Tue, 11/10/2009 - 07:18