The Horse Boy's Kristin Neff on Autism and Self-Compassion

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When my friend Amanda pressed The Horse Boy into my hands, I flinched. I'd heard it was yet another Miracle Autism Cure book, and I was all done with cure talk. But she persevered: "It's not about a cure, it's about healing!" My eyes narrowed.

She changed tactics, being a savvy travel writer sort and knowing how I long for journeys abroad: "They go to Mongolia, so really, it's more of travelogue. And it's beautifully written. You'll love it, trust me."

She was right. I truly enjoyed reading how Rupert Isaacson and Kristin Neff took their son Rowan on a horseback journey to meet shamans in Mongolian Siberia, and in doing so healed not his autism -- Rowan did not lose his autism diagnosis -- but rather those symptoms of his autism that were intensely distressing both him and his parents. Their story is inspiring, not necessarily because of the changes in Rowan, but because his parents recognized their son's positive reactions to shamanic rituals as well as horses and did their utmost to combine and pursue those positive reactions.

I was further inspired by The Horse Boy companion documentary -- though it was painful to see rather than read about Rowan in genuine distress -- because I got to see Rowan's Mongolia. I also appreciated its interspersed interviews with autism luminaries, including Temple Grandin, Simon Baron-Cohen, and Roy Richard Grinker.

Though the film did feature Kristin Neff's viewpoints (the book is from Rupert's perspective), I wanted to hear more about Kristin's take on the challenges of traveling to a remote area with a child with autism, her parenting philosophy, her work as a psychology professor and how her Buddhism colors it all. I was given that chance just yesterday. Here are the highlights of our conversation:

On your Mongolian journey, you were flogged, you were asked to ritually cleanse your private bits on camera, you ate what was described as "sh*t soup," you struggled through Siberian swamps on horseback. What enabled you to endure and keep going?

I fought Rupert tooth and nail about the idea for maybe eighteen months, because I thought it was crazy, that it would never happen. Then when it looked like he was going to go, he said, “Listen, Kristin, you don’t have to come along. I’ll have other support with me, it can be a journey with just me and Rowan.” And when he said that, my first thought was, “I don’t want to miss out!” I had this negative reaction, more of a fear reaction, and once I realized I didn’t have to go, the more positive side came out. It was partly “I don’t want to miss out,” and it was partly “I don’t want to not be with my son when he does this.” So once I committed, I was all in. Like the English say, “In for a penny, in for a pound.”

Remember, it’s not like I hadn’t traveled before. I spent a year in India, I spent time with Rupert and the Bushmen [in Africa], so it’s not like I was coming straight from a shopping mall. In India, on the days where you didn’t go with the flow, everything that could go wrong did go wrong. And on the days where you went with it, maybe the bus breaks down, it all went more smoothly. So I guess I’d already learned that skill, that rolling with the punches, just seeing what happens.

Luckily I didn’t know about the flogging ahead of time –- that would have freaked me out. But it’s so strange –- when you’re in that situation, you say, “Well, this is what is happening right now.” I’ve also got a long-term Buddhist meditation practice and that really helped me a lot as well, being in the moment and taking whatever came up.

You began the journey as not much of a horse person. Did your Mongolian experience change that?

I haven’t ridden since Mongolia. Literally! I have not gotten on a horse since Mongolia.

When Rupert and I first got together, I thought, “Oh, this guy loves horses,” and though I’d never ridden a horse before I said, “I’ll learn so that we can do this together, it’s his big passion in life.” So I took lessons for about two years, but I never really had the desire to ride, I was doing it more for Rupert. Because it’s not like riding a bike where you learn it and then you can