Kudos to me
If so, very seldom do I find bitter moments about the relationship I've established for my son and his father. That's right- I said, the relationship "I" established. Perhaps I should say, the one I laid the foundation for? It is the relationship I was single-handedly, instrumental in creating by providing time, space and opportunity; to allow and make sure there was access to my child, in the event the sperm donor wanted to be known as father one day.
By the end of this blog I will disclose what those moments maybe. Surely, once I finish brushing my shoulders off, giving myself a pat on the back, a sweet hi five, and a cold confident stare in the mirror after saying to myself, "yea - you did that sh** go girl!" ..... For my great and honest work in making sure I maintained an avenue of communication, so that when and if my sons’ father decided he wanted to accept his role finally, there would be no reason why he couldn't. When I'm finished with this post, it should be easy to pinpoint what it is that I have a hard time understanding and accepting about my co-parenting situation.
I should start with what was known as the first opportunity I had to skip town after disclosing to him that we were having a child. I say that because every woman with some sense and a few with none, tell me/told me that she would have left the moment he claimed it was not his child and definitely after he claimed I "got pregnant on purpose" but certainly after he told me that he has me right where he wants me. And if none of that did it, most justifiable after he says, "welcome to being poor", inciting he would do nothing to help me. Anyone else would have already been miles away. How could someone I’ve known over 20 years at that point make those accusations?
After I decided not to listen to anyone’s’ advise over my heart telling me that it would be a heartless and selfish decision to take a child away from his father, I ended up back in Houston, Texas. This decision came with turning down career advancement and job opportunities elsewhere. The decision to stay in Houston, Texas was solely based on my conscious that taking a child away from a father was outright dirty and trifling. Never mind the fact he and his mother asked why I didn’t abort the child and never mind he was not stepping up to the plate. Never-mind that he offered in mediation for me to leave town-taking his son with me as long as I didn’t get child support. Because for me, it was never about money or child support. I am highly educated with a proven track record for success, so I was able to provide financially from the beginning. For me, it was about the relationship I wanted my child to have with his father. And so, I put my needs and wants on hold!
On to the next phase. With no support, I began to nurture my child in the absence of his father. I lived through the insinuations and accusations that I was ‘keeping his child from him’, although record will show that he had an open invitation to step up at any point as well as to see his child and do anything for him whenever he wanted to. I kept an open door for any visitation no matter what my schedule was. I stayed in Houston, Texas even though my window for employment opportunity was closing. I wanted to make sure it was possible for (dad to see son whenever he wanted to)
What did dad do? Eight months into my child’s life, he went to Harris County courts with the most falsified story of not being able to see his child. He brought a court order against me with geographical restraints attached to ensure that I would never leave Harris County or contiguous counties. He then was placed on child support after his admission of parental ownership. (Sidebar) If you were ever really concerned or genuinely had any doubt about a child being yours, you would never claim he was your without a DNA test.
Even after the dramatic, misleading and deceptive performance he put on for his family, church members and minions of the TCB fan club; I still maintained my stance on keeping a child in his father’s life at all cost. Instead of taking his offer in mediation to run……and never speak a word of it, I stayed in Houston, Texas. Again, for me-I would never take a child away from his father! That still, was most important to me. I made sure to include him in everything I did regarding our son and even summoned his take ideas on schools. From daycare to extra- curricular activities to doctor appointments and trips. I kept him informed of progress and advised him of anything relevant to our child. I notified him of events that our child would participate in, his development and growth as well as his whereabouts at all times. I offered access to our child on a 24/7 basis. I never told him he could not see his child and more than often I called to ask if he wanted to see him, pick him up or just spend time with him. I never held him to a court order visitation schedule. For me, there was no such thing as (my time, your time) for a child who had two parents who loved in the same city. I never expected weeks to go by without him seeing his son. To me, that was brutal.
He began to secret the positive interactions we were having regarding our child, in efforts to convince his family that I was still the villain who was keeping his child from him. It was not long before I realized that child support was the barrier. There was no breaking through to him as long as child support was a factor. It was a one track thought. This man was not interested in doing anything with his son as long as he was on child support. It was all about gaining custody at that point. He was advised that the only way to stop child support was to have custody.
Again, what did dad do? He reverted to his old college and high school days where he began to aggressively harass me. The harassment grew into a greater concern for my safety and the safety for my child. His narcissistic behavior lead him on a pursuit for custody. After a carefully orchestrated plan to seek and obtain custody –very well planned out, I should add- he was able to have the child support order lifted. Mission accomplished. I am glad that you can spend time with your son. You can thank me later.
So why do unsettling moments lay with me? Since my child’s father has had sole possession and access to our three year old, he has done none of the above I have mentioned that I did for him. Instead he has hidden and secreted my child’s location and whereabouts. He has kept him away from me at weeks at a time, denied access to me at my child’s school, neglected to keep me informed of his daily/weekly progress and growth. He has taken my child from the state away from me and him to leave him 600 miles away at weeks at a time because his schedule does not permit for him to be a parent. He has attempted to have me jailed on erroneous enforcement motions. He has had me jailed on a completely false criminal charge. He threatens to call the police if I am a minute late in dropping my child back off after visitation. He threatens me with the contents of the court order if I ask for any time outside of what the order states. He does not cooperate with the picking up and dropping off of our child. Instead of talking about anything that I may have missed in the order-he files motions to have me jailed on each account. He has attempted to have my professional license revoked. He has ‘allegedly’ attempted to have me fired from several freelance assignments, since he seems to have a real big issue with me having a ‘press pass.’ (Documented). He has made every attempt to separate me from my child, he is never willing to share custody, and he ordered that I can only see my two year old (at the time, now three years old) every two weeks for only two days. In the initial orders, I never allowed this amount of time to go by without him seeing his son. And one thing I absolutely never did was leave my son 600 miles away from his mom and dad, to satisfy a work schedule that conflicts with parenting and deliberately keep him away from the other parent at the same time. In doing this, it speaks volumes about the inability to effectively parent.
After ALL of this- he keeps with the statement that he has nothing against me and professes his love for our son as well as his desire to work together and do what’s best for our son. This is when you end with: I can’t hear you sir, because your actions are so loud! I am still glad that I am the reason he has an opportunity to establish a bond with his son. I have done my part as a woman and a mother. I feel accomplished. I know that had I not stayed in Houston, endured all this mess and sacrificed myself, my son would not know his father. Since I never stood in the way of what they could be, I know my son will forever love me. Kudos to me that I'm not and won't be the BeEyeTeaSee H that he would love to convince the world I am. Shout out to the president and founding member of the hate me fan club. You can thank me later.
Niedria D. Kenny
The D, is for Deon - same name as my son. The only child AKA Prince Cornelius; he's the Prince in "Prince Cornelius and his Magical Friends" a book dedicated to the life and growth of my child.