A Lack Of Commitment

I never understood how things could south so quickly in a marriage. A seemingly happy couple with children suddenly posting on Facebook that it is over, that they are no longer a "they". I really never understood and would look through past status updates looking for clues, for cracks. 

I never found any. 

And no one will find any in my status updates either. 

I asked my husband of almost 7 years, the only man I have ever been with, to leave this morning. If you had asked me yesterday if this is where I thought I would be right now, I would have said, "No, of course not. We have our troubles, but we have gotten through it. We can withstand anything." And after 18 years together, I absolutely believed that. 

Until this morning.

This morning, I found evidence that my husband has been in a relationship with another woman. A woman that I have asked him to please stop communicating with. A woman who is also married with children. 

As far as I can tell, they have not had sex, but he is getting out of bed with me in the middle of the night to talk to her online. He is unapologetic, refusing to discuss any of it with me and I cannot live like this. He confirmed that he doesn't know when he fell out of love with me, but that he is.

So, I asked him to leave. 

And I am broken. Broken and bended and sitting at my desk trying to sort through these things in my mind like it's a normal ordinary gloomy Thursday when really, this, this is the day my world falls apart. The day that everything starts over and I try to figure out who I am without this man that has been my constant since I was 17 freaking years old. 

I am not ready to post this on my regular blog, partly because I don't want to overshadow the book review that I have posted over there today, but also because I am not ready for the attention about all of this. I need a day or two to process things. Maybe figure out where this leaves us and our kid. 

Oh, jeez, the kid. What will she think, do? How will she cope with the sudden departure of her daddy? How will this day, this moment affect her forever?

I have a lot of thinking to do before I post on my regular blog, but needed to get some of this out. 


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