Ladies UFC

WOO HOO... the next Bachelor has finally begun and it proves to be a nail biting, jaw dropping extravaganza.  Yes, I am one of those idiots who chooses to watch a bunch of women acting like idiots over some boy (and this season looks like it will absolutely NOT disappoint).  Hey, the guys have UFC (Ultimate Fight Club). I...have The Bachelor.

Yep, it's time to watch a bunch of completely beautiful and totally mundane women duke it out for the affections of some dude that they will, in all likelihood, just break up with three months later. History has shown that very few of these relationships are successful.  Out of 13 episodes two of the finalists have managed to remain in a relationship… one after splitting up with her then getting together (O’Connel from season 7) and the other realized the winner shouldn’t actually be the winner so he dumped her and chose the second place girl later on (Mesnick in Season 13).  So what this tells me is that winning this gets you nothing (although many of the people on the show have gone on to date some pretty big superstars… so that’s probably worth something.

I guess it's the competition that makes it so entertaining.  It’s about the to-the-bone fight, It’s about the strategy.  It’s about the  no holds barred, below the belt punches that are thrown in a desperate attempt to gain the title.  And to prove that it is a sport, there is the black-and-white win or lose result. The winner shall emerge, glorious, to take home the grand prize of a beau by her side... and the loser will have the life-staining honour of being dumped on national television... now, doesn’t that fight sound like every girl’s dream?

What’s odd is that I watch this show faithfully even though it completely goes against every moral fibre in my body, but how is that different than the boys watching boxing or Ultimate Fighter?  Most would not condone fighting in the streets and so many would avoid a fist fight at all cost.  But they have their favorites, and it is the one place that completely socially unacceptable behaviour is displayed on ABC for all the world to watch in horror as people are beaten savagely (either physically in Ultimate Fighter or emotionally in the Bachelor) and it is all for the entertainment.  I watch it like I stare at an insane accident.  (Look at all the blood - gag, gag - look at how his eye is hanging out of his socket - gag, gag - I can't look away... see how his arm is hanging by a tendon - gag)... Yeah, that's me.  I watch, even as some of the girls make me want to put a fork through my eye because they are sooooo sweet (sorry girls... I just don't have the sweet tooth for personalities... And then, to satisfy my bloodthirst, there are the girls who are so catty I want to throat punch them (for the love of god, HIGH SCHOOL IS OVER!!!).  There are always one or two girls that I just love and root for.  Generally they are the ones who I completely admire at how they deal with the insanity (and false reality) of the show.  They remain relatively composed, don't get all bitchy (without being a doormat either) and they seem like gals who have a head on their shoulders.  They do to the Bachelor what Ali did for boxing. Stupid question: why is it that there are only one to three - maximum - of these girls out of 25 – and WHY do they always get eliminated so damn early?  It’s leading me to believe that these men are looking for a pretty girl that will sit quietly and be a “good wife” instead of a “life partner”.  Just an observation.  I guess I am just confirming the fact that men are often idiots who think (can I use this term?) with their penises as I watch them choose their ladies.  I mean, seriously... she may have a nice rack, but WHAT A BITCH!!! (And they are who keep divorce lawyers in their Maseratis.)  

Despite my can’t-look-away stomach-churning sentiments about this show, I do wonder what it would be like to be on one of those shows.  I wonder how I would make out.  Would I be able to stomach the below the belt, hair pulling action that is required to succeed (both in getting your beau and the ratings). Quite frankly, I'd probably be voted off the island almost instantly because 99% of the women who seem to stick around are your stereotypical take-home-to-mom girls and I am SO not one of those. (Not that you wouldn't take me home to meet mom... but I ain't no Dental Hygenist/Candystriper/Kindergarten Teacher either, know what I’m sayin’?).  I’m thinkin’: any boy looking for arm candy would turn and run from me.  That's right boys, if you are looking for a gal who will walk behind you, quietly pick up your dirty socks and underwear and cook you supper every night, DO NOT pick me.  Now, if you want a gal who'll keep you on your toes, add a little spice to your life and will walk beside you (and possibly throw you in a snow bank once in a while, deservedly or not), then I'm your gal.  And as far as taking me home to meet mom... I'll behave... but I'll probably make your mom my best friend and we'll go out drinking (fuck the baking cupcakes) while you stay home, do the dishes and hand-launder my unmentionables.

I guess I’ll just stick to watching the ladies Fight Club… and maybe one day I’ll find a real guy who has the balls to have a gal like me walking with him.

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