Learning how to be a mommy...kind of...

I often think about life pre- and post-baby. I have a 13-month-old baby that I wanted VERY badly. We tried for a month and immediately found out I was pregnant. After 30+  hours of natural labor, I delivered a 7 lb 1/2 oz daughter...for all moms considering natural labor: when you reach hour 24, GET THE EPIDURAL! It's the difference between chatting with your sister until you need to temporarily interrupt your discussion about how adorable the new cherry blossom design is in your new baby-to-be's nursery to say; "oh hang on, I guess it's time to push", and not even knowing that your sister exists because pain has pushed you into a parallel universe where a version of easy is that you've gone five minutes without begging for surgical intervention.

I love my daughter so much that I often can be heard saying, "Mommy loves you so much it makes her tummy ache", and I mean it to the core of my being. I'm such a mommy that I actually change the channel when I encounter shows about children getting stolen or hurt, even if she's not in the room, or awake, or in the house frankly. It's more than I can comprehend, which is saying a lot since I used to advocate for women and children that were raped, molested or abused as a Rape Crisis Advocate. I did that for almost three years! Now, though, I paint my world in shades of rose and gold. However, I often think back to what my life was pre-diva. I think about how we ate out a lot, how we drank high-end beer, and how I didn't have to think about anything other than what would be fun to do tonight. I worked out often, but sometimes I didn't. That was ok because I had a tight little 20-something body. I could drink my face off one night, and make the calories disappear tomorrow. I could take ephedra supplements without worrying if they would cause deformities in my future children. I ate high-sodium foods, indulged in chocolate cake or liquor for dinner, and went nights without sleep because of an exam or report due tomorrow. I guess that's a lot like today...oh wait, NO IT'S NOT!!

I love being a mommy, but I miss being a female. How cliche, I know. I never really thought about some of the stuff that I would miss, things like feeling pretty. This is so unlike me! I never even wore make-up and I PRIDED myself on the fact that I was able to get attention without all the female necessities. I also miss good hair. I'm either puffy and feathery or greasy and ratty. How did delivering a baby from a region NO WHERE NEAR MY HEAD have such a great impact on the behavior of said follicles?! I maintain that my hair is what was able to carry me through thick and thin. It was what identified me. People didn't care about what my face looked like as long as my hair was down. Oh flat tummy; beautiful, strong, flat tummy. Even when I got fat, the stomach maintained it's flatness. I was like the high-end SUV version of my former self...bigger but still as sleek and aerodynamic as ever. Nowadays, I eat a hearty Sunday dinner and I go from a new volvo station wagon sport to Car 54...a nice, reliable, and pleasant-looking version of myself to an old-school punch bug...CAR 54 WHERE ARE YOU?!? Oh...over at the buffet for seconds, alright I'll admit it - THIRDS!! I've tried to work with what I've got now, but nothing seems to ever maintain it's former beauty, so I did what any rational woman would do in my postion; I got pregnant again. At least now I have an excuse.

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