Leave Shy Children Alone!

i was a shy kid,i remember when i would go to childrens party as a child and was afraid to go in the livingroom where the party was taking place,would stay in the kitchen for a time before entering the livingroom to play with the other kids and eventually enjoying myself[smiling}

Listen ladies,

I did not intend to come off nearly as harsh as I did. I will say this and move on, as I am clearly not too popular here. Nine out of 10 posts that I read clearly state: I WAS/AM SHY, AND NOW I HAVE A CHILD WHO IS. Some personality traits are quickly developed after birth, HOWEVER, "shyness" is not a personality trait..it is a MANNERISM!! Mannerisms are learned behaviors and personality traits are natural behaviors. Get it? I do not think shy people are weak or cowardly. I KNOW that they lack CONFIDENCE! And my goal here was for this to be recognized so that you can start working on ways to build their confidence instead of looking for ways to avoid the situations in which they would feel uncomfortable. Go back and read Lucy's comment. She did on her own what I get paid to do every day--remove the bubble wrap from sheltered children, and teach the wonderful person underneath to act, think and behave in an assertive, confident way..and they LOVE it.

This is great. I was such a shy little girl, and loud people talking at me freaked me out. It really is weird how some people view it as something fixable. To this day I still get exhausted when people try to overchat with me. Thanks for the article!

Thank you for posting this public service announcement! I am an introverted person raising an introverted child with an introverted spouse. (It's much, much easier for me to write than to speak to others...) People have spoken to him and called him shy when he hasn't responded boisterously to their invitation to talk, and it's maddening.

There's a difference between social interaction preferences (introversion vs. extroversion) and being shy (feeling anxiety in social situations). We have to be careful with the labels we throw around.

I don't know how my son will turn out, but I intend to support him without forcing him to be someone he's not.

Um, this wasn't the employees' fault. It was YOURS. I'm sorry sweetie, but the majority of four year olds don't cry when their shoes are complimented. They just don't. You mentioned that you yourself were "shy" as a child. And all I thought was BINGO! You and your lack of confidence in public situations has been passed to your children, and now they, just as you were, will grow up with a lack of social skills and a hindered ability to interact, and will be coddled for it all the while. I'm sorry, don't call them "shy"? Would you prefer "Ooohh, you're just socially impaired"? I've got an idea. Head to your local drugstore and buy them those little Flinstone vitamins--those with a double dose of CONFIDENCE- because clearly they have very little. If they did, they wouldn't turn to stone and shatter when acknowledged. They would relish the attention (as my 5 year old daughter does) or turn a little red and ignore the guy (as my not so full of himself 3 year old does). Behavioral mannerisms are the one of the few things that are proven to be the fruit of NURTURE. They weren't born shy just like they weren't born speaking Chinese or adoring Justin Beiber. It was learned. So knock this stuff off, quit encouraging the behavior and try your shot and getting them to "come out of their shells", permanently. It cannot be very advantageous for later on in life,especially in places like JUNIOR HIGH/HIGHSCHOOL, or even the work place. I mean can you imagine your boss having a panic attack because you complimented the new system he put into place? Me either.

For us, the shyness went a bit further - While our child looked like he was acting shy, we began to realize that he was so nervous in new situations, we would really be having a quiet, mini panic attack. For a long time we were really frustrated and pushed him to try new things but he would only fight harder to stay out of the situation. Eventually I read a great book about "anxious" kids and learned that for some children, they aren't just being "shy" they are having a fight or flight response to a new situation. Everything in their body is telling them to fight or get the heck out and it's really a struggle that they are being as controlled as they are. We finally learned that after 20 minutes, the body's fight or flight reaction calms down and then the child can even consider dealing with a new situation rationally. I hope this tip helps some moms, because it made a huge difference for us. If we recognized that his body truly needed 20 minutes of "shyness" to process the biological reaction, then we could all ease into the situation without so much frustration.

As a very introverted person who has an acute aversion to touch and an anxiety disorder, I applaud this article. I have so many memories of being pushed into situations and forced to socialize as a child and the constant nagging as a teenager and young adult that I needed to be more social and assertive. I'm still working on these issues and learning to accept that it is ok for me to wish for quiet, to observe rather than speak, and to take time to 'warm up' in a social situation.

I've been amazed and rather taken back by my three year old son, who rarely has a shy moment. Even as a young infant, he smiled and babbled at strangers, waved and said hi as soon as he learned how. He's been a flirt since he was a baby. I watch him hug his friends and touch them and marvel at how unlike me he is in those respects. It has actually been a challenge for an introverted mom to cope with an extrovert child. He doesn't mind when people hug him or touch him, Mama does. He has no compunctions about announcing his name to a stranger and asking their name, Mama does. I'm learning though, and he is teaching me.

As a shy person myself, with two children who are also shy, I can relate and sympathize with what you've written here. It sounds like you're doing a great job supporting your children. I agree that shy children need to be treated with respect (of course!), and given some time to join in, but there may also be underlying feelings that are leading them into shyness. I'm just completing a parent educator program with www.handinhandparenting.org and it has given me many more tools to work with my children, especially around connection and emotional release. You might find this article helpful: http://www.handinhandparenting.org/news/48/64/Helping-Children-with-Shyness. Good luck!

Well said - nothing worse than being CALLED shy when you already know it.

Your daughter sounds exactly like my oldest. My oldest is also more cautious. Not just with new people or situations, but everything. Since he was born he's needed that time to adjust to a new room, even when it was just family he sees reguarly. Our families could not understand, and would rush over and try to grab him out of my arms. I had to become fiercely protective, to which they rolled their eyes and figured I was one of THOSE mom's. But I recognize his needs, and if one of THOSE Mom's is a Mom that knows their child and respects their personality...then yes, I guess I am. He's outgoing at school, makes friends quickly, and now takes very little time to warm up. But he does need that time. I've taught him that if people have a problem with it, tough! He can do what he needs to do to feel comfortable. Fortunately, so far, his preschool teachers are wonderful and once explained, respect his personality, and help buffer him from well intentioned friends first thing in the morning. I wish other people were that understanding.

I am 46 years old and have had to deal with being a shy introvert my entire life and hate it. I worked very hard to make sure both my children were not like me. My son is not and my daughter is an introvert but not shy, there is a difference, she is comfortable being a leader and was the captain of several basketball teams growing up. I agree with you that sales people should back off when they see a child cowering behind a parent and crying but I disagree with you encouraging it and promoting a half hour to an hour to warm up will eventually harm your child. My shyness and introvert life has blocked me in many ways and I have tried desperately to break free, I encourage you to work with your children to overcome it for their sake but it should be done by you and gently, not outsiders. Good Luck!

I don't think it has to be "cured". It will go away....but in the meantime, the best thing to do is say hi and .....sounds crass...but ignore them. The more they are not spoken to, the easier it is for them to adjust. I had a niece that would go straight to her mother and stare into her mothers eyes until the person left them alone. It's true fear. I would tell sales clerks, or whomever....they are shy and I would prefer you talk to me.

Thank you for this post. Truly, I believe personality is innate. Our daughter was extremely shy even when she was just a baby. When the sweet older ladies at the grocery store would try to talk to her in the checkout line, she would make horrible, mean faces at them--and honestly, it was terribly embarrassing. Even among family members, she always stuck close to us. It's interesting to see personality differences among children, as our oldest son was always very outgoing, and our youngest son is the class clown. Neither of the boys experienced shyness. At 10, our daughter has grown to be very comfortable in her skin, although I fear she will always struggle a bit in certain situations, like making class presentations. Still, I think her reserve helps her assess situations and people well. She is a good judge of character and is incredibly compassionate. No one wants their children to be insecure--but not everyone WANTS to be the center of attention. She excels in academics, music, riding...and she has wonderful friends.

We were at the doctor's office recently, and when the doctor asked her questions--my girlie took a minute to form what she wanted to answer. Before she could speak, the doctor literally rolled her eyes at me and said to my daughter, "Honey, how do you think I can help you if you won't even tell me what's wrong?" Of course, my daughter became more flustered, and I ended up talking for her. I was so ticked at the doctor and told her so--constructively, I hope--as we were leaving.

I suppose I do worry about situations like the doctor's office. We want our children to speak for themselves so they can get the help they need, and we're working on it. But truly--being shy doesn't mean a child isn't smart, funny, or kind. And it's tricky--after all, my college scholarship was tied to competing on the speech team, so sometimes it's challenging for me to understand her reserve. Still, I'll always be her champion and try to make certain no one makes her feel uncomfortable. I truly appreciate your post--it really hit home.

Well written. I think there is a silly pressure to 'cure' shyness. There is nothing wrong with being introverted. In fact, I think shy people have the advantage of being a better judge of character because they spend more time watching and listening from behind the scenes.

As a total extrovert, I have great respect for shy people. They teach me to listen, to be patient, and to remember that we're all very different but different doesn't mean bad.

I know introversion isn't the same as shy, but I had a combination of both growing up. I was the shy introvert in an extraverted household. Slow to warm. The whole 9. I was the weird one who genuinely preferred to read a book by myself most times rather than play outside with all the neighborhood kids like my sisters. Even as an adult I got asked what was wrong with me because I didn't talk much at parties (I still suck at small talk).

Unfortunately shyness is a defect in an extravert-dominated society. I'm just glad I can better intervene for my shy 10 year old so she never internalizes the message (like I did) that there's something wrong with her because of the way she was born.

Great post. I was very shy as a kid, and can remember salespeople wanting to get in my face. I became more outgoing as a teen and college kid, which I'm glad for, but I definitely have sympathy for people who are more reserved!

Thank you for this post. I was a really outgoing, chatty kid, but I am now the mother of a shy little girl and have been at a loss for how to help her in certain social situations. Things you've described are very similar to her behavior, especially just needing a little time to get comfortable in a new situation. One thing I am guilty of is telling people in public that are trying to get her to talk to them that she's shy, saying it almost apologetically, because of course, my response as a more outgoing person is to people-please! I will try to refrain from this in the future. :) One thing I am grateful for about her shyness though is I don't worry too much that she would go off with a stranger. And in this day and age, that's important.

I was a super shy kid that always hid behind my mom's leg. When I was in school, I never spoke to anyone first, I always waited for them to talk to me. As an adult, I have overcome some of my shyness but it's still there at times. I'm sometimes worried that people think I'm a flake or that I don't like them just because I don't talk much when I first meet them. My oldest son is the same way as I was when I was a kid. He's shy around people he doesn't know, while his brother and sister are both very outgoing. I hope he can come out of his shyness because it really isn't much fun! Great post!

Love this! I was a shy kid, too, and you described this perfectly. I now have a shy kiddo, who is 6 and it does frustrate me that he is shy, only because I don't want him to have to go through what I went through. I am trying to teach him ways to cope and provide with him lots of self-confidence, but I really don't think there's anything you can do.

But this is a great post- you are so right!

Being labeled "shy" by strangers can be just as hurtful as being called "ugly" or "stupid."

Poor girls! Salespeople scare me too ;). They somehow know to leave me alone but not kids, right? Thanks for sharing! Shyness is not a weakness or something to be cured, especially in kids. Thanks for reminding me to be more sensitive!

Whenever I meet a new child (I'm in child care, so this happens pretty often!) I make sure to sit apart from open body language and a big smile. If the child comes up to me, I respond. If the child hides (like the precious girl in that photo), I may shoot an occasional smile their way, but I try to talk to someone else about something that might interest them. It once took me two weeks before a toddler was willing to come within two feet of me. But it works eventually. I always think to myself "What if someone I really didn't want to talk to came up to me, got too close and insisted that I talk to them?" EW. Children are people, too!

Amen. :) Shyness can be a part of social anxiety, which is very real. I suffered from it for a long, long time. The worst thing you can do for someone who may have a panic attack in a social situation is to force them into it. It's only going to make them worse. Mine was never bad enough when I was younger where I couldn't push past the panicky feeling.