Let's Have a Baby....Or Nah

When I was younger, I used to want very badly to be a mom. I wanted the big house and the pitter patter of little feet all over. For me, the more, the merrier. I wanted at least five little ones that I could nurture and love forever. And then I got older and I got over it. Not to say the desire of motherhood is something one simply gets over. However, I realised it probably wasn't for me. The realisation came after I had siblings, especially the last one. I was like a mother to her after our mom had passed away. The constant attention giving and losing sleep and worrying was not for me. I still wanted to experience pregnancy though. I wanted to know what it would be like to have life within me. I wanted the morning sickness and the cravings! Everything except the final product. So I offered to be the surrogate to a gay friend and his future husband. 

Many people were opposed to the idea because of emotional attachment and such. They thought once I saw the baby, I would not be able to let go and the process of handing him/her over would be too overwhelming, and it might cause some emotional distress. Those were very valid points, but I still wanted to do it.

At the age of nineteen I started to get the overwhelming desire to have a baby. Like, my mind was telling me and my body agreed. I'm not sure how to explain it beyond that. It was like my biological clock was ticking away. At nineteen! It was so surreal. I was very confused and unhappy about it because I knew I was not ready for that. It lasted for two weeks and I was so happy when it went away. It happened again briefly when I had just turned twenty-two.

I'm very happy when I date people who are where I am about the topic. It's so much pressure to be with people who know they definitely want to be parents when you're still unsure. No one wants to get married only to realise a few years down the road that they're both on opposite ends of something so important.

Kids aren't like material things you purchase in a store, where you can return them with the receipt if they just don't fit. They stay for as long as they're alive and they need to be taken care of properly. I really don't like neglectful parenting, so if I was a mother, I would be on top of that job 24/7.

I think part of it is selfishness; not wanting to share myself like that. I believe you should always give your kids the most sacred parts of you and cherish them. I don't feel I am ready for that sort of life, and I'm not sure that I'll ever be. I love the joys of being a big sister. I love when my little baby smiles and she's happy. I see a whole new world through her innocent eyes. But I know, at least in this moment, that I don't want to be a mother.

But let me just say, for all the mothers who are out there doing it and doing it in a way that's genuinely loving, I respect you so much! I've had a glimpse of that life with my little sister and I don't know how I would manage full time. But you do and you're incredible. 

To my mother... Thank you for not having the thought process I currently do. Thank you for being the most amazing mother I could have ever hoped for. You're always in my fondest thoughts.

With love,

Sam.

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