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Sparkle (0)
Hi,
It's me. I know we've been talking a lot lately but we haven't really come to a solution. I'm trying to give you some time to heal. I mean you went through a lot of strectching when we added baby boy number2 to our family and then 5 weeks after he was born you were broken in a way that I never expected.
Ok, so maybe there were signs but I promise I thought we had gotten past all of that. So here we are 6 months later and I'm drowing you in alcohol and sad songs. All the while you keep trying to talk to me but I don't want to hear it! I want to change who I am, to stop being SO nice and SO loving and SO extremely senstive to everything and everyone. I want to be hardened so this won't happen again. But you, you keep saying to me that I was sent here to love and a part of giving receiving and appreciating real love means understanding what it feels like to not have it.
I'm so proud of you, there are days and nights when we are both so lonely, tired, and heavy, but you always seem to make me look into my sons' eyes and when they smile at me, you turn somersaults. You make me look up at a beautiful sky and know that this is bigger than me and that something bigger than me loves me tremendously. You're slowing me down to really take inventory, be thankful, and most of all remain loving. I don't know how you do it but you do. I'm happy to say that I'm almost convinced that we can love me and that if I never find love in the arms of another person again, I have enough love in my heart still to share and that it is, in fact, better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
Thank you for being so strong and so good (you are very good you know) and for keeping me going and for allowing me to be a good mom/friend/sister/daughter even in this pain. We're about to be 30 and I want this to be a decade of new beginnings for us, I know we can do it.
I LOVE YOU ALWAYS
