Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

My husband came to me a little while back with a complaint. A complaint! He says that he's disappointed that our sex life isn't spontaneous any more. Really?! With two children ages 2 and 6 and he wonders why it isn't spontaneous? My answer was to hit him in the head with a rolling pin until he regained common sense. Well, no, I really didn't. Instead I did think about what he said and I begrudgingly admit it -- he's right!

I'm a SAHM and I spend a lot of time doing for others during that time. By that, I mean doing the family's laundry, cleaning the house, preparing meals, checking homework, etc...so not a lot of time gets spent on me. That means, as gross as it is for me to admit it, there are some days when I don't get a chance to grab a shower and, wouldn't you know, that'd be the day the hubby wants to get romantic. He doesn't understand that me stopping him cold in his tracks so I can go freshen up is for his sake as well as the sanctity of our marriage!

However, the main reason I will stop him before the fires really get started is to go make sure that my kids are asleep. I don't mean groggily drifting off to dreamland...I want them knocked out, snoring, the Sandman-has-come-and-they-are-in-the-middle-of-deep-REM sleeping! I have a couple awful memories from childhood where I caught my parents in the throes of passion. Just thinking about that now makes me want to rinse my brain out with bleach. I don't want to do that to my children. So I pause the goings on to do a bed check. But after that's done, it's turn out the lights and get the party going! Right?

Well, maybe not. So things will get started, progressing smoothly, then inevitably one of us will stop dead and say "Shhhh....did someone just call out?" Silence for a full minute, then a nod of confirmation from both will start things back up again. Only to have us pause again in a few minutes..."Did you hear something?" We'll pause again and then shrug it off, chalking it up to paranoia and continue about our business. Until someone really does make a noise. When that happens, we don't just freeze, we don't breathe. Imagine in your minds that scene from the first Mission Impossible where Tom Cruise is being suspended from a wire and tries not to move a muscle as to not set off any sensors. Yeah, that's us. We'll listen to the whimper or the calls for Mommy/Daddy and not answer, hoping that the little one will eventually fall asleep. 9 times out of 10, the kid will go back to sleep. But the urge to be romantic and sexy is gone, and urgency takes over. Gotta get it done quick before he wakes up again!

So, okay, maybe sex isn't as spontaneous as it was when we were a newly married childless couple, when he could come home and whisk me away into the bedroom, or dining room, or living room or wherever we were standing at the moment and we could do "it" without a thought, but I wouldn't say it is totally lackluster. Instead, I told him that what we are doing is recapturing our youth. Substitute our kids with our parents and we are back in our teen years, awkwardly trying to be grown ups and not get caught at the same time. Somehow, I don't think that sold him.

Okay, so I suppose a kid-free night is in order. Maybe the grandparents can take the kids so we can have a weekend, just me and him. It will be wonderful, glorious, fabulous...oh, but wait. I'm pregnant. Sex and pregnancy, our pregnancy sex issues. Well...that will just have to wait for another blog. =)



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