Let's Talk Discipline: Is Spanking Okay?

I'm going to try to keep this short and sweet. =) Every parent has their own way of disciplining their children, be it time outs or spanking or whatever else. With that said I've noticed that a lot of these comments have ended with, "Don't judge me" but then again everyone is so quick to judge each other. Lets all put our paddles and rulers down , stop our timers and all get together and sing Kumbaya. (JK) But in all seriousness I think that everyone just needs to take a step back and realize that you can't the perfect mother that we all want to be and everyone's version of perfect will be different. Enjoy the times that you have with your children that you are not disciplining them and stop focusing so much and how everyone else handles their own children. 

There are a lot of things I'll stand aside on, say... the choices we make as women on what course we follow with our lives, but -using the author's terminology - corporal punishment is not one of them.

We've made great inroads into its elimination. The practise is nowhere near as prevalent now as when I was a child (I'm 56.) My children are now 27 and 19, and over the course of their childhoods, I spanked precisely once, with the eldest, a half-hearted it doesn't feel right effort that I vowed then and there never to repeat, and I didn't.

I'm not going to go into the why of why it works. I could and believe me I would too, make judgements that one usually won't see in one of my posts. I just wish to say flat out, biting hard on my tongue, that I do not agree with the author's premise.

nellewrites ( http://nellewrites.net/ )

I could prove it if you spent a week or month at my house. But short of that you will just have to take my word for it.

We do not spank when angry or frustrated. If I am angry at a child I will wait to spank them until I am not, or ask my husband to. I have never, and I've been parenting 10 years, "hit" a child. And I've never applied corporal discipline when angry. Ever. It would undo everything I am trying to do as a parent if I did.

You could ask my children. They are old enough to speak for themselves now, and they would tell you the same thing. In fact, I'm going to ask them and record their answer to post.

Carrien homeschools 4 kids and runs a non-profit from the kitchen counter.

she laughs at the days ( http://shelaughsatthedays.bogspot.com )

the charis project ( http://thecharisproject.org )

Sorry, I completely disagree. Spanking is not an effective punishment and should not be used. No reason to hit a kid. And I do not believe that spanking isn't done out of anger. Very few parents stop, think, and then hit their kid. Spanking is just frustration made physical.

You have probably never seen a parent spank in a loving manner because those who do don't do it in public, don't make a big scene, don't have children screaming and carrying on after, and aren't loud angry or yelling.

I have disciplined my children, in our home, with guests present and they haven't been aware that I was "spanking" because there's nothing to hear. I quietly tell them to go to their room. I go in after a few minutes, talk, administer consequences, hug, talk some more and we come out laughing.

There is a big difference between what you describe seeing and what actually happens in our home, or the homes of others who lovingly use corporal discipline.

Please don't judge what you don't see by what you do see. Because those parents who actually care about their children, their dignity, self-confidence, trust, etc, would never make a public spectacle of their child, nor discipline them in public. I know I never would, I never have. I don't even usually correct my child in a way that anyone else can hear, speaking quietly, taking them aside, and making sure not to embarrass them.

As to a movement to make it illegal, it seems a shame to outlaw a practice simply because some people have no self control. This country tried that once with alcohol, blaming the substance, rather than the character of those consuming it and that was a mistake. Last I checked, removing freedoms is not a way to curb behavior, those who do obey are not the ones you are worried about in the first place.

Carrien homeschools 4 kids and runs a non-profit from the kitchen counter.

she laughs at the days ( http://shelaughsatthedays.bogspot.com )

the charis project ( http://thecharisproject.org )

For me, there is a fundamental difference of not opinion, but of framework. I see hitting, grabbing, pinching, spanking, whoopins, arm-twisting/rubbing, screaming and yelling as inherently violent, no matter who the object is of those behaviors that I am choosing to use. It is also about power and control over someone who has no power or control.

To be honest, I have never seen any parent spank “from love”, it has always been from a place of power, anger, frustration – and it is usually accompanied by insults, and verbal and emotional abuse – and that is coming from my experience personally and what I have seen in the world.

As an educator working on issues of sexual and dating violence and child abuse, I cannot walk away and not judge when a parent chooses to use violence against a much smaller, much younger person; to do so would be to be complacent and accepting of any and every parenting style, and I am not.

Once, I saw a man, probably 6 feet tall or taller who was fairly large, dragging his 4 year old daughter out of a bookstore, causing her skirt to reveal her underwear. He was threatening her because of her “bad” behavior. When I confronted him, he came toward me, seething and threatened to hurt her more, right there in front of me.

So no, I will not be complacent; I will speak up and confront parents who use violence to teach their children that smaller humans have fewer rights than bigger humans.

What are we truly teaching our kids when we use violence against them when it suits us and our needs, and then expect them not to hit, scream, or use verbal abuse?

Count me among those who are uncompromisingly against violence – of any sort – no matter how we want to water down the language of it – against children.

Does this mean that I am perfect? Not by a long shot. I have been emotionally abusive to my daughter, and I have had to apologize to her – not about the inappropriate behavior she was using, but for my harshness.

It really comes to light when you see in an instant the trust and love, self-confidence and pride you worked so hard to help your child develop be stripped away in a mere moment of violence.

There is an effort underway to outlaw corporal punishment in the home and in the schools. I hope people will check these out.

Finally, I can say from my experience that the verbal and physical discipline has left a lasting mark on me, and not for the better. When I attempt to talk to my parents about what the effects have been, they shut down and will not acknowledge that as the recipient, I was hurt, scared, and terrified and left feeling unloved for most of my young childhood. I was damaged.