The Letter B: Banks, Big Jerks and Barbies.
By AliciaWozniak on July 02, 2013
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The Letter B.
Let's start with BANK. Bank of America sent me an email this evening regarding suspicious activity. I wasn't really phased. I had visited the same gas station, a new one, twice so I assumed they were worried my card had been stolen. Boy, oh boy. An app Weez downloaded went ahead and decided to almost empty my account. Big Jerks. I'll get all of my money back and thankfully I was able to move stuff around so my rent check won'tbounce. I'm so bummed.
OK, on to bigger and better things. Not really bigger. Smaller. Barbies. My sister suggested I write about Barbies given that today's letter is B.
If you played Barbies with me as a kid, you're already shaking your head. I played with Barbies well into my early double digits. I was the kid who stayed inside on beautiful summer days to play Barbies either by myself or with my friends. I loved Barbies. I was given Barbies as presents on almost every holiday and special occasion. I remember coming down the stairs at Christmas and seeing a Barbie with her pretty pink boa sticking out of my stocking. I had dozens of dolls and a ton of clothes. The Barbie clothes in the 70's were awesome.
|Coming home from the store with a couple of these packages was so exciting!|
I had the Barbie Townhouse with the awesome yellow elevator. I had the yellow and orange Barbie Dream House. I had the pink Barbie car. I wasn't allowed to have the Barbie pool because I wasn't allowed to play with water in the "Blue Room," but I did have the Barbie toilet which doubled as a squirt gun if you opened the lid fast enough. I was a Barbie Girl.
I remember my brother once trying to play Barbies with me with his G I Joe doll. G I Joe was WAY shorter than Barbie and I wasn't having any of it. I swear I couldn't have been more than like 5 years old. My brother is 5 years older than me. I think now it was awesome that he tried to play dolls with me. Back then, I remembering looking at him like he had 5 heads.
I had mostly female Barbies and they were all named "Barbie." I did have Skipper as well and then one year I was given a Hispanic Barbie. Her name? "Hispanic." She had pretty black hair and I loved her ethnic clothes. I did have a Ken doll, but my brother, being a dick one day, drew on Ken's face with blue permanent marker. I never played with Ken again. I thought he was possessed after that incident. Yeah... I did. Why? Probably because I was allowed to stay up late watching scary movies. Don't ask. I also had a Donny and Marie set. They were smaller than Barbies, but Donny was THE MAN up in the Dream House because Ken had "issues."
My parents installed cable TV when I was about 10 years old. I was still playing with Barbies. I was also staying up late watching a new station called..wait for it...Cinemax.
EYE OPENING TO SAY THE LEAST.
My Barbies proceeded to act out everything I saw on Cinemax. As I said, Donny was THE MAN. There were orgies, though I really had no freaking clue what I was doing, on the Barbie bed. I inspected Donny and even crazy possessed Ken and was so confused that their privates were, ya know, smooth. About this same time I discovered the Playboys in the neighbor's barn. I had a lot of questions I dared not ask my mother so my Barbies made out like mad. Sure, they did regular Barbie stuff too. Hang out. Get dressed and redressed a bajillion times. Get in fights. Get flung across the room because I was bored. My friend Kim hated when I did that. I was such a brat. But yeah, my Barbies, and "Hispanic" were whores. Donny's forever smile... I hope I never hooked up Donny AND Marie. (shiver) I don't think I ever involved Skipper, but I could be wrong.
At some point I grew out of Barbies and it was all packed away in the attic. The house, the car, the toilet / squirt gun, all of the clothes and all of the dolls. Packed away for years and years. My mom sold the house in 2001 after having lived in it alone since my dad died in 1997. She basically liquidated it. It was a Colonial and PACKED, very neatly, with stuff from 30 years of life. It was bittersweet.
I had been living in Columbus and was home one weekend when my mom was going through all of the Barbie stuff. The dolls looked exactly as I had packed them. They were stored in the immensely hot attic and I was surprised that hadn't melted. They looked pretty creepy and seeing them brought back so many memories. My mom and I were reminiscing and being all nostalgic when she said, "I sold all of this to a mom and her daughter." My mom said it very sweetly and with so much love in her eyes looking at me and remembering me as a young girl.
"You should burn these, Mom."
"Why?" She straightening up.
I smiled. I told her all of the things my Barbies did and how cable as a kid was a bad idea.
"Alicia, I wish you wouldn't tell me some things."
That woman loves me.
We threw out Ken. Yes, I had packed him away with the crew. I was probably worried he'd crawl out of the box and kill me if I didn't. His facial markings had lightened. Had tattooing been big like it is now, maybe he could have been passed off as like a Mike Tyson doll even though he was white, but no, he for whatever reason was possessed and I don't think ever hooked up with anyone. Some of the dolls' hair was pretty matted so we tossed them, but all of the rest of it, I admired the clothing one last time, was sold to this unsuspecting mom and daughter.
I imagined my Barbies snickering, Donny still smiling, Ken cursing everyone for being thrown away, as they were brought back to life by this little girl.
I said a little prayer...