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Big Heart!!!
Stop this bickering and shut up already. Get back to doing what you do best -- pumping blood to Big Brain sitting up there in the head so she can make the right moves and I can go back to being a lean, mean thinking machine.
Seriously, is this faceoff, this tug and pull, necessary? You guys think it is easy for me to sort out the mess you make in my gut, or wherever? Can't you agree sometime? (BB is just as guilty, but I am supposed to write to you, so).
Look, I am not much into taking my personal battles public, so this is really hard for me. You wrung this letter out of me in the wee hours of one morning, after a restless, sleepless night. You wrote this letter to yourself in my head. In my head...Now wait a minute. Do I smell conspiracy here? Have you two been having a laugh at my expense? Giving me a hard time only to come to an agreement later? Having a ball all the while that I struggled wondering which way to go?
Come to think of it, you and BB have lived a raucous existence, but have never really torn me asunder. Many times you two have agreed so clearly that you could well be as one. You demanded and BB found ways to put it to action. BB demanded and you supported, wholeheartedly. But the times the two of you disagreed, you left me at a loss, wondering which way would be the "right" way. And I am mad at you more often because you know you can twist my arm like nobody can. You've got me by the jugular BH. You make me want to do things. You also make me feel satisfied and even smug sometimes. And that's too much power, Ma'am.
BH, you see, I am not really mad at you in a bad way. You've never brought me down so low that I have not been able to rise. At the end of the day, you (and BB) have pulled me out of hell only to bring me to nicer, sweeter things in life. But you both drag me through the muck of your disagreement -- they have a fancy word for that called "experience" -- long and good before holding out your helping hands. Yeah, yeah, I know the good old defense of you-are-a-better-smarter-person-for-that but c'mon now! Why couldn't I have just gotten the nicer, sweeter things straightaway?
Remember the years I spend following your throbbing call -- even while BB railed in disagreement -- and was this close to making my life (and profession) with people who were not quite right for me? BB was on the mark those times, and you had to agree. When you finally came around, you were strong and steady, but you did drag me to hell and back, no? Of those times, BH, let me make an observation in hindsight, for whatever it is worth. Thank you for coming through for me before it was too late. Through this journey, you revealed to me -- the lean, mean, thinking machine that I spend years perfecting -- things about myself, of how I was capable of feeling and acting in ways I could've never imagined. I am a lot less judgmental and a lot kinder because of what you put me through.
And then again, when S came along, you and BB agreed so vehemently, it was almost funny. Even BB, who tried her usual tricks of raising roadblocks, had to finally give in and has not regretted it since. You won that round, hands down. Or... was it a mercy agreement you and BB threw at me? Whatever it was, I am not complaining one bit.
I have to admit BH that you have stood by me, rock solid, when the going got excruciatingly tough. You and BB. Both of you. Remember the times when life decided to snuff out another competing beating heart rather quickly, even before I had a chance to hear it? It cut like knife, no BH? Multiple stabs, all at once. But you are my Wolverine. You know how to heal so well, and so quickly when I need it most. You never make me forget the feeling, but you don't let it overwhelm me. BB keeps insisting I get over with things quickly and clinically. You agree, but you temper that process.
Ah! Now I see it! That's what you
