Letting Go

When I sent Jason the text saying, “Go out and live your life. I want you to be happy, even if it’s not with us. Go date and fall in love and have a great life. I relieve you of all responsibility and obligation with the baby. We will be fine. Take care,” that was my way of letting go…of giving myself permission to let go.

It’s so easy to hold on…hold on to the maybes (maybe it’s not that bad, maybe it can still happen, maybe he wants to be a part of the baby, maybe he is just busy, maybe this can still work), the hope, the dream, the passion, the good times, and everything else that might be considered good (or at least not horrible). That’s the easy part…to take these things and to have them outweigh the bad. (When you have to talk yourself into outweighing the bad, that’s never a good sign.)

The hard part is letting go…letting go of the dream, the passion, the good times, the idea of a family, the idea of what you think you want. How do you let go when you’ve been so picky about who you would end up with? How do you let go when you initially thought he was “the one?” How do you let go when you once thought you had found everything you had ever wanted? How do you find the strength and the know how to let go? How do you find the courage to even face the reality that everything you thought…that everything you wanted just somehow slipped through your fingers? Did I allow it to happen? Was there something else I could have done? What should I have done differently? Why did it not turn out the way I wanted…the way I expect?

So, how do you find the courage and the strength? You just do. It’s that easy. Well, it’s not “easy,” but when you know you deserve better, it is. When you make up your mind to do it, it is. When you say, “Enough is enough,” it is just that easy. Letting go allows me to move on…to stop hoping for something that will never happen…and that’s exactly what I need…just to let go. To prioritize. To focus on what matters. To establish a new outlook.

So when I sent the previously mentioned email, I was giving myself permission to let go of all those things that I thought I wanted…and that I thought I needed. I was tired. I was tired of trying to figure out what he wanted, where he stood, and what mattered to him. I was tired of it all.

Once I give myself permission to let go…let go of the vision I had for myself, my future, and my baby, I became content with creating a new reality. What that reality is, I don’t yet know. I know I will be a lot happier than holding on to something that will never be what I want it to be. Sometimes the more you try to “make” something you want it to be, the more you realize it’s really not what you want. I want a guy to be a part of my life. I want him to want to be with me and my son. I don’t want to “make” him, force him, or feel like he really isn’t in it. That certainly isn’t going to help things in the long run. It will only bring more misery to the situation.

As the days pass, I re-think the last couple of months. When we were coming back from dinner the day I told him and he wanted to stay over, if I would have just said, “Yes,” instead of remaining silent. Things would be so different. If I would have reacted differently or….

Yes, things may have been different than they are now, but that doesn’t mean I would be happy. I know I would only be miserable possibly prolonging the inevitable. Why would I want to be in that situation? I wouldn’t. I’m glad I have my answer, so I’m able to move on…to let go. No matter how difficult it is to do so, it would only be more difficult the longer I waited and the more time that passed.

It is actually easier to let go than I thought it would be. Once I make up my mind, it is easy to say, “No more, I’m done,” because I just had enough…enough of all the B.S. that I felt like I had been putting up with. Don’t get me wrong, I still sporadic moments every now and then where I cry about what happened and how it happened. There are days that I think about Jason and wonder how he could do this to his son. There are times when emotions get the best of me. These are all very short lived. I let the feelings be felt and then I move on. I don’t dwell on it or allow it to affect my day.

I refuse to do that to myself, because I know without a doubt I made the right decision. I deserve better than that…and my son definitely deserves better than that. I couldn’t spend any more time or energy not knowing. And since I made up my mind to know…to stop living in limbo…I feel great. It’s amazing how freeing and liberating it actually is. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m free to be who I am and do what I choose, and that’s an incredible feeling…it increases my self-worth a hundred fold. There is no looking back. I got a new set of eyes, a new lease on life, and a new perspective and the future looks bright!

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