Letting Go... And Saying Hello

I wrote a piece before Halloween comparing dating to market trends and dubbing myself an expert in market research and following trends. Though I wrote this as nothing more than a mockery on my singlehood, I surprised myself by accidentally summoning a man.

A very brief history about me: I date a lot. Great men with wonderful qualities. I've never been dumped. But before you start hating me, allow me to explain myself. I always date easy guys. Nice guys. Guys I'm absolutely sure won't leave me. Having been abandoned by my father at age 10, I vowed never to allow the shock of being left again, so I always leave, before anyone else has a chance. Even through this issue, I've managed to have great relationships with wonderful men who make an effort to understand me and help me to feel safe. 

The bad news? Safety does not always equal sexy. I usually leave because I feel unsatisfied, as if no matter what they do, they are incapable of making me feel fulfilled. I've had therapists in and out of my life since childhood. I'm aware much of this is my issue and truly believe the right person will help me overcome this feeling of needing more. Though, in the meantime, I plan on dating my way through this.

Literally, hours after posting my piece on market trends, I met a man. This person would not fall under the category of "some guy". This one requires cap locks and a stand of exclamation points. In my collection of amazing exes, none of which have a single thing in common, each did have one outstanding quality that made me love them, maybe not in that head spinning, goofy teenager kind of way, but that special something that made me love them and will make me always love them.

Mr. Halloween is an amalgam of all of these characteristics, something I have truly always wanted. I laugh while looking at the exes I loved (and still love) and think, if I could only combine them into one person, THEN I would be fulfilled to the nth degree. Not to worry, I'm taking this new beau in my life (that could leave me tomorrow, the abandoned child warns) nice and slow. It's been years since I have met anyone new; I'm far too busy filtering through the old, trying to convince myself these men I've left might have been right for me.

Mr. Halloween called me today, announcing he will be out of town for the weekend, but wants to know which night I am available for him to take me out next week. It's worth noting that such men do still exist as I was dangerously close to forgetting. Strangely, though everything is going as it should, I feel this overwhelmingly compelled to call an ex. Which ex? An ex. Any will do. Just sweep me off my feet and back to a familiar routine that I know.

All of this ambiguity is a little scary... or is it delicious?

I always wanted a happy ending... Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.
            -- Gilda Radner


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