Letting go....eventually

There are days that go by and I feel so much love and contentment.  I don’t know why there has to be the days that bring nothing but confusion and discontent.  It has been 4 and a half months since I discovered by love’s “emotional affair” with his ex.  4 months of roller coaster ups and downs.  4 months of questioning whether he is telling me the truth or not.  4 months of wondering if he is still telling her he loves =her= and misses =her= and telling her things to make =her= think he is only staying in this relationship with me because he doesn’t want to hurt me (because he would rather be with =her=).  His quote “I will think of you every day for the rest of my life” haunts me every single day.  He tried to be (halfway) honest, telling me two of the times he had spoken to her since our big blow up.  I know there has been more. I know he is still keeping contact with her a secret from me.  He thinks because I don’t have proof I can put in his face that I don’t know or he can bullshit his way out of it.  He is wrong.  It’s almost like everything is great-we are going along, having a great relationship.  Then bam! I can almost feel it the nights he is more disconnected. 

He thinks he’s just going to go along and have me while he waits for that manipulative bitch to leave her husband-he’s mistaken.  It’s already very apparent that “we” have an expiration date.  If there is no honesty and trust-there is nothing.  I have tried to be everything to him and it’s obviously not enough. It’s one thing to have friends everybody needs those-and I do think men and women can be “just friends”.  This is different.  He loves her and wants to continue this relationship with her and I can’t live with that. I guess I was wrong to believe I could-I think I could have if it hadn’t been this secret love affair thing.  He tells me to my face “I love you with every fiber of my being”  I do believe he loves me.  But the heart wants what the heart wants-and his wants her more than it wants me.  I need to face the cold hard facts that he is cheating on me-albeit not physically.  A woman just knows.  I swore I would never be cheated on again and here I am allowing it.  I would tell him “me or her” but how would I ever trust him? Go forward again thinking that he would end it with her and then get kicked in the teeth again a few months down the road? It’s almost like I am being emotionally blackmailed.  Because I feel like he will come apart if we split up – even to the point of harming himself.  But how can I allow that to dictate that I stay in a relationship where he’s cheating on me?  It’s like “you stay and allow me to keep my “bff/emotional affair” or I’m going to hurt myself”—well great.  I would like to tell that bitch just to leave it alone because of that.  If we don’t make it I will send her a communication of some sort telling her that I have known all along and –she- is the reason he and I didn’t make it and that if he hurt himself the blood was on her hands.  I have been tempted to contact her anyway and say just back the f**k off—if he won’t do it maybe she will.  I don’t even think she knows that I know-I thought at one point she did.  Maybe just send her a link to this blog….

It’s taken a while to convince myself to let go but I finally feel like it’s happening on its own.  Patience and time, everything happens for a reason.  If he does say he will give her up to keep me, then what? Can I really trust him? How am I going to know without stalking every little way he can communicate? Just need to let go a little bit more before I can walk away-I guess I'm just afraid of the pain.

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