In a Scary World, Letting My Tween Be Selfish Just a Little Bit Longer

Mir,

I suspect it comes down to your son being conversational (and here I'm assuming that he is typically Aspergian in having little to no language delays). Too often friends, family members, and siblings subconciously doubt that anyone who can talk has legitimate challenges -- even if they understand the matter intellectually.

My son is communicative but not terribly verbal, people get that he's playing for Team Autism almost immediately. Your son (again, assumptions) has more transparent needs, and as a result is subject to judgment that we simply don't experience -- inside or outside of our family.

I also think you're right about your daughter's ingratitude being age-appropriate -- but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. We try to use positive reinforcement tactics with Iz -- we do our best to praise her when she's behaving admirably, and ignore her (prefaced by a micro-explanation why) when she's behaving disgracefully. It works, most of the time.

My daughter couldn't possibly compare her rights and privileges and fairness with that of her brother; he's too vulnerable, she is too protective of him. Sometimes I worry that she doesn't let herself express negative feelings about him because he is so challenged. Back before 2008, when our resources were greater, I took Iz to weekly therapy sessions so she could have a safe space to process any issues she had with being Leo's big sister. Since that's no longer an option, we now set up periodic get-togethers with her and another girl her age who has a sibling with special needs. The blow off steam together in a way they can't with other friends, Sibling support groups are another great way to help siblings of kids with special needs feel less alone, if they have those in your area.

Good luck. I think tweener years are going to be gruelling, no matter what other factors our families may have!

Shannon Des Roches Rosa
Squidalicious.com ( http://www.squidalicious.com ) parenting first, autism second
CanISitWithYou.org ( http://www.canisitwithyou.org ) real tales of schoolyard terror and triumph

... while there is plenty of griping over "stuff," the much more common battle cry is about the perceived inequity between herself and her brother. I wonder how you deal with this, Shannon -- Leo's impairment is more severe than my son's, but our kids are about the same ages, and my daughter is CONSTANTLY complaining that "he never gets in trouble because he has Asperger's" (not true) or "you help him more because of his Asperger's" (true) and generally paints a picture where we dote on her little brother while she sells matchsticks on the corner.

I have tried to explain until I'm blue in the face that yes, sometimes there are different rules because they have different needs; that he gets more leeway, sometimes, because he's simply incapable of doing things we expect from her. But at the end of the day, 1) she's older and 2) she's neurotypical, and yeah, the expectations are (and should be) different.

But the yelling, the anger, the disrespect, and my least favorite, the depths of her ingratitude (whatever she gets/has, it's not enough, not ever) are driving me INSANE. I know it's age-appropriate. I do. Some days I think we won't survive it, though.

--
Mir Kamin (BlogHer contributing editor)
Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda ( http://wouldashoulda.com/ )
Having it all with less: Want Not ( http://wantnot.net/ )

Love hearing from parents of girls older than mine. It's like having a direct line to the Future!

No chance my tween could ever think she's the center of the universe. :) Her brother's version of autism (moderate to severe) precludes that mindset; her needs get preempted or she's asked to reconsider/reschedule only too often. Fortunately, being Leo's big sister has made her more compassionate than many of her peers, rather than resentful of her brother.

To clarify: By "selfish" I meant letting her moon over clothes and other silliness rather than rubbing her nose in the world's harsher realities just so she can appreciate just how lucky she is. She's not quite mature enough to process that contrast.

She did read the anonymous testimonial (voluntarily) and was floored. She believes it because her uncle used to teach English to girls in Afghanistan, and he's told us a little bit about their circumstances. But she didn't dwell on it.

To her credit (and this is lifted from the comments on the original post ( http://www.blogher.com/letting-my-tween-be-selfish... )), she saw the title of this post on my Facebook status update. She said, "Mommy, is that about me?" and I replied in the affirmative. She then looked me in the eye and deadpanned, "Let's talk about the iTouch I want for my birthday."

Love her.

Shannon Des Roches Rosa
Squidalicious.com ( http://www.squidalicious.com ) parenting first, autism second
CanISitWithYou.org ( http://www.canisitwithyou.org ) real tales of schoolyard terror and triumph

Please check out my blog at http://raisingamazingdaughters.wordpress.com

While I understand what you are saying, and based on your description, I'm sure your daughter will grow up giving, compassionate, and caring but I urge parents to stop letting their kids grow up thinking they are the center of the universe. My grown daughters and I blog together and just wrote a post about this issue. They're all teachers now and see the ramifications all too often of kids of kids who think the world revolves around them.