The Lies I Tell Myself
Lie, Lay, Lied
Grammar! Sex! Sleep Deprivation! And exploring the lies I tell myself.
"Lie, Lay, Lied" was the original title and premise of my blog. The inside joke was that I can never remember whether to say "lie" or "lay" even though I'm a self-proclaimed grammar geek.
I wanted to explore such paradoxes, the inner conflict, the difference between my life as it is and the life I imagined I would have. I wanted to create a blog fueled by humor and heart. And honesty. I wanted to come to terms with my past: you know, the truth will set you free and all that jazz
I started out with ambitious intentions, but quickly decided that writing about sex (the "getting laid" part of my premise) was TMI. I did not have the guts, after all, to write about the fantastic "truerotica" that is my marriage bed, followed by examples of what my fantastic, helpful, thoughtful husband had done earlier in the day. I thought it would inspire husbands around the world to help out a little more around the house, since we all know men doing housework is the best form of foreplay.
I don't mean this in a tit-for-tat way (pun intended. I do that). I believe that strong marriages are based on collaboration and partnership on household duties as well as consciously nurturing passion and physical intimacy, and that these are mutually reinforcing. And, based on the search terms that sometimes daily lead people to my blog, I think a lot of guys would be, um, receptive to getting marriage advice disguised as soft-core porn. Alas, they must end up very disappointed when they realize that their ideas of "cheerleader confessions" and "my sweet girl" are very different from mine!
Because I am compulsively honest, I quickly shifted focus from an anonymous blog and a pseudonym to a fully public blog. I decided I shouldn't publish anything on the internet that I wouldn't want my name on. I toyed with site titles like "TMI, Kylie, TMI" and "Kylie's Open Book" but settled on The Life of Kylie, because a) that's what it is, and b) it's a play on "the life of Riley" which is all about being lucky. And I'm not.
Also, I really dig that Lightning Seeds song.
I continued to promise I'd write about the lies I tell myself. I really need to do this. I really need to write about all the negative self-talk I engage in. I need to write about the self-sabotage, how I undermine myself, and how this hurts me and those I love. I need to write about it so I can let it go.
Two years in, I still haven't done it. Feeling too vulnerable, I linked up a second, private "Top Secret" blog to provide a home for the soul-searching. But I still haven't done it.
I've written about my father's death at age 39 in active military service. I've written about one friend's suicide and another friend's death via falling tree. I've written about my unplanned pregnancy, shotgun marriage, and premature baby. I've even written about my divorce from a high school teacher who was sleeping with a minor student, now my daughter's "stepmother."
My husband once remarked that I talk about the past while he talks about the future. He's an optimist and a goal-setter, and he makes things happen. I live so much in my past and in my head.
I'm turning 40 in five short days. The best gift I can give myself is to let go of all these lies I tell myself. These lies that prevent me from letting go of past hurts and current insecurities and just...live.
And that's what I want to do: live the life of Kylie.
P.S. I've been blogging every day for NaBloPoMo but haven't managed to cross-post them to BlogHer. You are cordially invited to visit me at http://thelifeofkylie.com
Thanks for reading.