Life Lessons to Live By

Originally posted at Chocolat and a Baby Doll

Things I’ve learned from my daughter:

When something pisses you off, cry. When something really pisses you off, scream. When something makes you happy, smile. Be easily amused. Don’t sweat the small stuff but also, sweat the small stuff. Take naps. Look at the world around you as if you’ve never seen it before. If you see something you want, grab it and don’t let go, even if your momma is saying, “Ouch ouch ouch!” Really enjoy bath time. Flies that land on your face when you’re trying to take a nap are pretty much the worst thing ever.

 

Things I’ve learned from my dogs:

roger

Cuddle more. Lay in the sun. Stare out the front window and bark at any cars that drive by. Sniff stranger’s butts and crotches. Love (almost) unconditionally. Be wary of strangers, but allow them to gain your trust. Don’t trust the mail man, the UPS man, anyone who comes to the door, the landscaper, and for fuck’s sake, do not trust the cat. Pee on every bush and tree. Every single one. Even that one. Fear the water bottle for it metes out punishment. The vacuum is an asshole. So is the fly swatter.

 

Things I’ve learned from my cats:

clemmy

There are only three things that matter: getting pets, sleep, and food. Shed. For the love of God, shed. Shed everywhere. Sleep. You always have to be prepared for the hunt; you never know when a gazelle or something is going to run through the house and you’ll have to give chase. Never ever puke on the tile floor; always puke on the carpet. Meow loudly in the middle of the night for no fucking reason. The vacuum is an asshole.

 

Things I’ve learned from my husband:

Star Wars, Star Trek, and the Hobbit are not the same thing. Something about computers, I wasn’t paying attention. Don’t talk too much and when you do talk, make sure it’s about completely random shit like how to make the lights twinkle in your daughter’s toy, the Goldilocks zone, or Toyota’s new concept car. Confuse your spouse as much as possible. Only want sex at the most inopportune times. Eat more pizza. There’s nothing that can’t be improved by a smoke ring.

 

Things I’ve learned from the kangaroo at the zoo:

kangarooLay around like a boss.

 

Things I’ve learned from life:

People do not change. Ignorance is bliss so turn off the news. Money can’t buy you class. Eat, drink, and be merry. There’s almost no problem chocolate can’t fix. The best cure for an upset tummy is Guinness. Only adults like the taste of beer; if your kid asks for some of your beer, go ahead and give them a taste. They will hate it and it will be years before they try beer again. Go with your gut. Take a walk (but not a long one off a short pier). Snakes are terrifying. And most importantly, it is what it is.

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