He sought me out. He wanted my forgiveness. Wanted to talk to me… to see in my eyes that forgiveness was even possible. Fourteen years prior, he shot my father twice and killed him. I was two. And in an instant, fatherless.
I recently experienced a dream that caused such an emotional reaction, there was no way I could ignore its demanding presence. Many dreams lack valuable meaning, they serve only as flashings of unconscious thoughts and hopes that may cause irritation or intense satisfaction. The most insignificant dream I have experienced was being chased through a zoo by a tiger, and although I was accompanied with the power of flight, the tiger was frequently catching and gnawing at me; I was absolutely too heavy to get very far....more
I've been kind of jealous of all the posts about family and togetherness and general happy-talk about Thanksgiving. My husband, a professional firefighter, works a 24-hour shift today. I'm trying to decide between wearing my Grumpypants or my Thanksgiving pants today. I'm trying to pull on the Thanksgiving pants one leg at a time, and -- thankfully -- I'm getting a little help from others around the blogosphere.
Every year for the past 12 years I have been taken by surprise. It starts the third week of November and lasts until January is put to bed. Every year for 12 years. And the ferocity when it hits is so fresh that I am blindsided by it like it is new, just happening. I am always surprised to realize that the way I am feeling and acting and acting out is because this time frame was the beginning of the end for my mother. For my family. She died from pancreatic cancer on January 16, 1998. She had just turned 49 on November 29th. I was 24....more
Death makes me uncomfortable. I get awkward. It's one of the few social occasions when words escape me. I say stupid things. For example, last year when Jen, my childhood friend, lost her mom suddenly, I said something totally stupid at her wake. I remember it clearly, and it was stupid. Granted, I was having contractions, as I was most certainly 9 months pregnant with Leo 2 summers ago, but I am 100% smarter than the words that came out of my mouth. ...more
My grandmother died in June. She was 94. She lived a full, wonderful life, and suffered little in the end. We were very close; when her daughter (my mother) died (at the young age of 32) (cancer), my grandmother took care of me in many ways. And I did my best to honor her final years with lots of visits, with taking care of her when I could. And now that she’s gone, I find myself in a quandary....more
Leila turned 5 on the weekend. She kept asking me when the kids would get here for her Princess and Witch party, because she would still be four until then. “So, now you’re still four?” I asked, the morning of her birthday. Funny, I remembered her being born around 6 a.m. Whoops Mom, going into real time again. “Yes, Mom.” She shook her head. “So when the kids get here, that’s when I’ll turn five.” Determined. Believing. I love that about her....more