A life without children
by JChandler

Recently, my mother was sharing the story of a woman she met at the seniors club, I will call her Phyllis. Phyllis had been quite ill, was in hospital and upon release was in need of temporary home care. My mother remarked that due to medical cut backs Phyllis had difficulty finding anyone that could come to her home while she was recovering. Also, she noted "Phyllis never had any children... I don't know why?" "If she had had children at least she may not have been alone or would have had some help; though kids are quite busy these days with their own families."

It struck me for a moment, whether she was childless by choice or struggled with infertility in her partnership, she was alone. As Phyllis transitioned from youth, midlife, marriage, the loss of her husband and now well in her senior years, she did so without children.

As someone who is childless I paused to think what that would be like. Right now I talk to my mother every day, she knows I would be there if she needed me. But who would be there for me? Will I be lonely without the extended family that comes with having a child and possibly grandchildren? Does the prospect of not feeling the love of a child, constitute looking at adoption?

Maybe even if Phyllis had children she still wouldn't have seen them. I guess in hearing about her story, my life flashed forward and for a moment I selfishly wished my children were there.

 

 

Submitted by JChandler (view blog) on Wed, 11/04/2009 - 5:10pm

Comments

 

Something that I've thought about

You know, when my doctor asked me why I was so, so driven to have a second child even after we were lucky enough with baby #1 (years of infertility issues), my first reason was that I thought it would be good for my son to have a sibling, and on a related note, that when my husband and I got old and decrepit, we wanted my boy to have someone to share the "burden" with.  "So you want another baby so that they will take care of you?" is what my doctor asked (yeah, she's blunt that way, and of course it implied that I was selfish).

But is it really selfish, or just practical?  My grandmother lived in a home and she had her  grandkids (well, me and my sister) involved in setting that up; my in-laws were both in longer term care facilities and my husband and his siblings all did their part to make the arrangements happen and visit regularly etc.  When my Dad was gravely ill my siblings and I rallied around my mom and took turns at the hospital to relieve or at least be there for both Mom and Dad. 

So I do indeed understand this post, entirely.

 

K-MEG

Submitted by Karen-MEG on Fri, 11/06/2009 - 04:03
 

Thank you

Thank you. It can be taken as selfish, as you well noted by the doctors response and it can also be a great comfort too, as in the example of you and your siblings supporting your mother. I worry sometimes about my being so honest about my fear and the perceptions of others; but ultimately if I decided to adopt a child it would be loved regardless beyond measure. So, would we all not be getting what we need most? Thank you so much for your insightful and helpful comment.

Submitted by JChandler on Sun, 11/08/2009 - 21:44