2 Years and counting

So I haven't forgotten about this blog; although the frequency of my entries could convey that. I don't have much to write now actually; just feel like writing again (obviously).

Listening to Sara Bareilles, and chatting away on Yahoo IM doesn't necessarily make for a concentrated effort of writing something profound.

I wrote a poem last week; and that is worthy of mention for sure. I haven't written one for over two years; and last week, a fantastic first date I went on, of all things, is what inspired me to write it. And for two years of being rusty, I'd have to say that I impressed myself... The 2nd date was a flop and I don't have the patience to pretend that I didn't feel it wasn't worth it. I do have a countdown to turning 30 to contend with afterall! So I was my usual direct, frank, and cards out on the table self; and initiated the 'let's just be friends' conversation.

Time will only tell if we actually do become friends... it's amazing to me; how much I learned about myself just in a short stint of interactions with this guy though. Totally not someone I'd marry; least not as is; (and don't get me wrong, he probably would say the same for me) my point is that this was such a rare experience. Getting an objective view of myself; from someone who has nothing to lose by being honest with me; about me from their perspective. Most certainly there are wonderful things to take away and to ponder on.

I've actually been dating quite frequently which is surprising because last I wrote I was just projecting the idea of dating out in my atmosphere; not necessarily thinking it would manifest as it has... Anyhow; the poem I wrote is below; no energy to go into any of the other dating adventures; and really none of them thus far are all that mentionable; besides perhaps a guy calling me the wrong name after having been out on a date; several phone calls, Ims, texts, and emails exchanged between us; I was more than annoyed let me tell you! : )

And appropriately I think, as I end, "Love on the Rocks" is playing. I really love this CD.

15 Hours

15 hours were spent outside of my box
seeing my world through a stranger's eyes
what a pleasant surprise
to realize
that the purpose of my muse's absence was to retrieve a subject worthy enough to intrigue and challenge my mind
one whose presence would revitalize the talent I had buried deep inside
a connection to re-ignite
the fires of my creativity
similarly to he
I enjoy creating a means to reconnect with a fond memory
however, instead of my body
I put ink to a page

And as that day, slowly drifted away
educational conversations filled the air
He was completely free to share
of himself and his views
what good
could
come from me
removing myself from the judgment seat?
when our eyes would meet
I'd look away, because he was catching glimpses of the real me
that level of authenticity
while foreign; was refreshing
albeit quite daunting
to crack open a wall
allowing a guard to go down, to be relaxed, not knowing what harm could befall
what I hold dear
but there
in the dimension seemingly outside the reaches of time
it felt alright

I can't help but have caution and say to myself, "just take one day at a time"
I never would have guessed this end by its beginning
Yet remembering
the feeling
of comfort while I laid in his arms
is so reassuring; that this encounter was not ordinary

In between moments of consciousness, during the hush
of the Dawn, I realized that what I felt was more than a crush
Unfortunately, this reflection can only touch
upon the essence of this experience to an extent
It most certainly was a portion of time well spent

I can only hope that the seeds that were sown produce a good crop
From the inspirational time
15 hours were spent outside of my box

no new messages

so i think i'm totally one of those people who is addicted to being connected. i check my email and facebook and this blog and IM all the time. do i really have that much to say, or do i really think that many people have that much to say to me???? i guess i don't, but i totally feed into the habit of it all just the same. i have been thinking of taking a break from it all; excluding the blog of course; except i don't know if i can do it. lol

my best friend made a new website; just for the two of us; it is facebook-esque but basically just a message board for us; but it's totally fun, and was one of her many great ideas. so i think i will see about only using the blog and that site; and see how long i can make it.

SC (subject change) i really LOVE Boboli pizza. i'd never had it before; but love to make homemade pizzas and the other day i thought i'd try their products.... i really am having an Italian food overload of some sorts; perhaps i'm addicted to tomato based sauces; whatever it is, i have been eating pasta and pizza etc like a junkie. lol oh anyway the pizza was fantastic and i actually have already made another one, which i will have some of for lunch shortly.

(SC) i think i have realized what's wrong with me in terms of making new relationships. i mean as crazy as it sounds, i totally want new friends, or a new bf on some levels, but the part of me that doesn't wanna get hurt again is SO much stronger. not that my current friends are perfect by any means, but we have foundations; we have history. the probability of being hurt badly by a friend or a guy is so high (in my mind at least) that i totally sabotage stuff with people who are extending themselves to me.... but then i'll be sad when i'm sitting home by myself with nothing to do (sometimes). it's like my trust meter has gone empty or something. people invite me to dinner, to hang out at their home, call me........ but do i call them, invite them over, ask them out for the afternoon? NO, i don't, and i honestly can't see myself just deciding to do it anytime soon. esp. in terms of guys, i feel like i just can't count on myself to make a good decision. things in the past seemed good, they seemed fantastic actually and in each instance things totally were a disaster in the end, with me bearing the brunt of the pain and disappointment. it's like, if i can't pick the right guy, i probably can't pick good friends either.

i was trying to talk this out with a current friend, but i dont think i was putting it out there so she could get it....

maybe i should try and be MADE on MTV. i think perhaps though that there's an age requirement for that. BUT i do know that they have a website, to help you try and find connections in your area for stuff you'd like to be MADE into. i wonder if that is just for high school kids. i'll check it out. in the meantime, i think i'll go grab my pizza.

Ponderings

ok so after sharing that i have this blog with a couple of my friends, and writing a note on a couple of the blogs i've written that i really like... a few things occurred to me... i need to decide whether i'm gonna go all out with this, or whether i'm not. and i think this would be pointless and less fruitful to not go all out.

to be more clear, i wondered, "OK so i mentioned my ticking biological clock, i plan to write more about that, what if the person/s i date, ask about what i do in my free time, what if they chance upon the blog, what if that freaks a guy out to know that i'm on this, needa get married, wanna have another baby track?!"

but then i responded to myself by saying, "Oh well. if the guy freaks out, he obviously was the wrong guy. there are just as many men who get to a certain point in life and want certain things as there are women; this is not a gender specific thing, it's a human thing. tons of guys wanna get married and have a kid ASAP; the challenge would be to find one of them." LOL

so yeah, i am figuring that it makes absolutely no sense to censor myself on MY BLOG. that's just dumb, right?... Right.

so yeah, i will continue to just be frank, and to just share... chances are a guy i date won't have a clue about this blog anyhow... unless i become super famous from it and brag about it all the time of course. ha ha ha

but yeah so i've been thinking about a ton of things to write; which is great. yesterday, i spent even more time reading other blogs; it is really cool, i like it a lot; am totally hooked already.... the ones i like, i guess are basically due to them being similar to how i'd like mine to end up. there is a difference between someone posting stuff about their vacations, or listing what they did in the day, AND someone authentically sharing. i want my authentic voice to come through; like i'm sharing with one of my friends. i think pretending that this is an email vs sharing with the world will help. : )

oh but yeah, so my ideas. not only do i wanna talk about the things i should do or be at 30, i will share what i think a person should not do or be at 30. if that makes sense...... some things are in the positive as in, what i will do, some are in the negative, as in what i won't do, or will stop doing; all goals though in the end.

i've already accomplished certain things prior to starting the blog (these are not in any particular order): exit destructive relationship, drive on a highway in town, drive on a highway for a long distance (i have driving issues, thus making these accomplishments), move out from my parents, buy my first house, put my gifts to work at church (i write on occasion for the bulletin, and share my baked goods), be more friendly at work and church, try new activities, salvage friendships that ended on bad notes...

in a previous post i just gave a general hokey list of items, i am seeking to accomplish, i have since thought of more concrete things such as:

• get car insurance (i KNOW i should have that now, but i totally don't)
• stop hiding unclean dishes in unsuspecting places in my kitchen... (i'll explain that later lol)
• learn to fix a flat tire (even though i have AAA, i figured i should still learn how)
• learn to BBQ (i REALLY wanna learn how to do this!)
• wear 'real' clothes more times than not (5 years out of college and in the 4 jobs i've had, none have required an actual dress code; so i dress like crap and only look nice for church or something else during the weekend)
• get healthy, and stay that way (ie actually use the workout equipment in my basement)
• find a reliable source for petite pants for women that are NOT 90 lbs (i'm 5'0 and not 90 lbs; it's a headache)
• teach Josiah all i know on the piano and then get him lessons
• buy a new car (haven't done that yet, oh how joyous that day will be!)
• do the serious financial planning stuff (make a will, retirement planning etc.)
• get a passport and travel outside the states (i've already been to Mexico and Canada, but haven't we all?)
• attempt to overcome my social anxieties myself; then if that doesn't work, maybe finally give meds a chance...
• date better, and more often : )

... i have other things of course but i'll end that list with writing about the last bullet point: date better and more often. Josiah's dad and i were together for... let's see 3 1/2 years. in that time, we dated, fell in LOVE, made Josiah, moved in with my parents, moved out, got engaged and then May of 2007 we broke up. in between that time we had good and bad times... the last 3 months or so were right of the War of the Roses movie though; thank GOD i didn't have a pet, otherwise he for sure would've been a goner! ha ha ha i won't use the blog to bash him at all; just will say that we both ended up with something other than what we were bargaining for. and in the midst of all of that was my depression; something i will write more about i'm sure. here, i will just say depression makes everything bad; but it also is kinda like a spotlight, or microscope; it helps clarify things that an otherwise happy person wouldn't see or would ignore. so in some ways, depression was my saving grace; helped me realize the relationship wasn't where it should be, and wouldn't get there ever.

since the breakup now 10 months ago, i haven't dated. i needed time to regroup, deal with my depression, focus on helping Josiah transition through the changes, worry about how i'd pay bills and not have to move out of the house i just had bought (bought the house March 07) etc. the closest thing to dealing with a guy has been flirting and hooking up (oh and for those readers not up on the lingo, hooking up - in my world, equates to the term, 'making out' it does NOT mean sex) with a friend of mine. he doesn't want a relationship, just basically is attracted to me and that was fine; because there were no strings and that was what i needed. and the great part is that it hasn't impacted our friendship; it's no big deal at all.

i have been thinking though lately that i am ready to date again. however, i need to do so more like the kids on MTV than those on the WB (oh how i miss the WB!)... that basically means that in the past i've met a guy, we liked each other, and after a while we were exclusive, bf and gf and were together for a good amount of time. my last relationships have gone like this: Josiah's dad: 3 1/2 years; my College bf who broke up with me right when i was sure we'd get married, to come out of the closet, little over a year with several breaks in between; my High school bf: officially 1 1/2 years, but unofficial time would make it over 2 years including my freshman year of college.... the guy before him was several months, and the guy before him the same...

i've dated or hooked up with more guys, but really the period of time that i actually dated more freely was in high school, and since have just had one extended relationship after another. yes, i wanna get married, yes i wanna settle down, but i feel like the way i was going about it before didn't work, so i should do something differently....

a great example of this theory not at all related to guys has to do with my shower drain. weeks after we moved in March 07 the drained seemed clogged; thus providing a very slow drain. this is annoying, making it so the tub has to be cleaned everyday otherwise it is totally gross. all matter of products to clear drains have been poured with no success. and just last week; as i was sitting on the rim of the tub, accompanying Josiah in the bathroom during what turned out to be a successful venture in our potty-training escapades.. it all of a sudden occurred to me that neither Josiah's dad, or i had tried clearing the drain with a plunger. so i got the plunger, did the do, and presto-changeo the drain was cleared!!! i turned the water on and let it run like 3 times just to be sure i wasn't delusional; Josiah asked, "Mommie, what are you doing?" in a 'mom is being weird, let me stand alert' type tone. ha ha but i was overjoyed. a shower drain that hasn't worked properly for over a year; that i had concluded would need a professional, that i didn't want to pay to clear it, was cleared by little ole me, as the result of me trying something new and different than before.

all that to say; there has to be a better way to find the right guy for me, so i may as well diversify and see what happens. : ) i may as well, date different guys at once; being open and honest about that of course, and i may as well go places i wouldn't normally as long as i'm not uncomfortable or compromising my values, and i may as well join some class or attend some singles event; heck i'm single, so why not? i think i have nothing to gain by doing things the same.

and not to say that i don't think there was a reason/purpose for my past relationships, i totally do. i'm one of those people who believes there's a reason for everything that happens. i have learned from them; from the guys, from myself. i know myself better, i know my needs and wants better, i know my limits/boundaries and my capabilities (for the good and the bad). hindsight is 20/20 and i can see where i went wrong; and hope to keep those things in mind for the future.

hm; i think that's good for now.

New name, new direction

so i changed the name and thus the direction of my blog. i had no real direction or purpose other than to write something; hence the previous title, "Write Something Already!"

i suppose it was a good thought; got me thinking, 'well, what the heck am i gonna write about?!' and obviously the initial entries were just that; me trying to figure out what i was gonna do. i spent some time yesterday reading other blogs. one in particular i really like; by an 'actual' writer who happens to blog. she's quite interesting and i've noticed that she makes links to other blogs in her entries; however, i haven't quite learned how to do that yet. i'm still busy changing the color, font sizes and layout of my blog at the moment. : )

anyhow, during some quiet time i had this morning, either in the shower, or during the drive to work in my 2nd car (which is quiet b/c it has no radio or other means of playing music) i thought that i should figure out just how much time is left before i turn 30. today is March 26, 2008 and my birthday is June 5, 1981; making June 5, 2011: 3 Years, 2 Months and 10 Days from now.

as i tried to explain, in the description of the blog, i think about turning 30 a lot these days, and for several reasons. i was thinking that one way to start things off, would be to write about those things i am looking for/hoping to attain during this time... so here's a list and explanations or stories related will follow in other posts:

• at least one other baby (i already have one child, Josiah David, he's 3-years-old)
• a job that i am fulfilled in (as in, i like the pay, the hours, the tasks, the purpose)
• a greater self confidence/greater understanding of myself
• a better relationship with Christ (and more specifically speaking, i'd like Shalom in my life)
• a husband... (i do believe that he should come before having another child, i just wish i had another baby more often than i wish i had a husband. LOL)
• development in my hobbies (writing, baking, and the newly added gardening)

i'm certain there are some other things, but that's the jest of it. i just feel as if my life is missing some things, or that it should be improved upon, and i have little to no patience! : )

i suppose that's good for now. i have nothing to do at work today. so outside of planning my shopping lists, reading the news online, and wishing i had access to Facebook; i won't have much to do, and just might delve into the first topic.... which is the LOUD ticking of my biological clock!

Entry #2

so i've changed the color and layout of the blog and performed all sorts of other random setting changes all in the name of stalling from writing an actual new post. : )

i've also done some reading of other blogs... as if that would solidify in my mind what i should write; or what types of things i'd write.

my writing has a few themes: God or religion, family matters mostly to do with children, whimsical things about friends or friendship, race (from the perspective of an African-American), and the overwhelmingly large portion of subject matter is relationships; as in mine with the opposite sex. i have no clue why most movies or stories give the impression that all you need to do to get someone to fall in love with you for ever after is write them a poem. i've tried it several times, and it ain't true!

i can't seem to help but to write a poem about or inspired by the guy who happens to take up most of my day-dreaming thoughts. however, as i've already stated that sharing the writing usually gets me nowhere, i have contemplated not sharing anymore. i don't think that i'd be able to stop myself from writing. it helps me get out things that conversation, or arguments just don't fully express. i get a sense of resolution, once i have a completed draft, read it over and it says exactly what i was feeling in an ingenious and creative way ; )

so unless i become a lesbian; (which is highly unlikely. we'll say that religion is the main reason; but it probably is more so due to the fact that i apparently am not attractable enough for lesbians to give me the time of day anyhow. : ) ) i think i will disregard the urge to share a love or , 'really like you', or 'can't stand you anymore' poem with a guy. guess i'll just post them here.

on a side note (2nd side note; i have side notes a lot) i use instant messenging abbreviations/symbols when i write a lot; can't help it really. but i hate when i end a sentence with any of the faces, as i did before, and it's included in some parenthetical side note of mine, because then it just looks weird.... OK side note over. : )

something else random is that i feel obligated when i write to spell things correctly, to use grammar properly and punctuation. i feel slightly, guilty for lack of better words... i feel like someone who is a 'real' writer will chance upon the blog and say, "oh look at her use of semicolons! this is garbage, she can't be serious!" honestly i'm more into the art of writing then the semantics. i hated grammar class; it was absolutely ridiculous. no one really needs to know the names of the parts of a sentence... unless they are a grammar teacher! anyhow, please just excuse things that may not be correct. i'm just trying to write here. : )

well i guess that's good for entry #2.

Day 1 (March 1,2008)

Well, I suppose I could explain the title... Write something already!

More than anything else that I can think of, I have held the deep desire to be a 'real' writer for a large portion of my now 26 years. I loved reading, and thought, 'wouldn't it be great for other people to read and enjoy my stories; to be lost and consumed by my imaginary lands or places'. So at least from the age of 12 I have wanted to be a writer and have expressed that.

But, it's not like I can just take a course and that ensures I write a book, and its published and Oprah chooses it for her book club, and it's on the top ten Best Seller list for six months, and it gets turned into a movie... or a tv show.

SO, over these years, while I have done a good amount of writing; I would gather that I have done considerably more daydreaming about it.

I think, that I think too much. Even when creating this blog, it took me forever to come up with a name; as if it was really that important. : )

I do want to write though. I want to write a book, and a tv show and a movie. I want people to enjoy whatever it is that I have to share via my writing.

Really though, a better way to describe myself is a 'story-teller'. I think the usage of the word has all but disappeared these days but that's what I see myself as. I love experiencing all aspects of a story and I have a deep appreciation of the different ways in which they can be told (including musically).

Anyhow, I thought that this might be a way to encourage myself to write, something.