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Listening deeply is something we have to learn to do. We can't do it just like that. When the other person is talking he or she is trying to express his or her difficulties and sufferings, and needs us to listen to that. But if we are not capable of listening, then the person who is speaking will not feel any relief in his or her suffering, and will finally give up talking. - Thich Nhat Hanh
I know the friends who really listen when I speak, and I know the ones that do not. They are the people who interrupt or stop me to tell me what their life's version of my current story is...without hearing mine fully. The first people fill me with comfort, and help me see what is really going on. The second group just makes me feel disregarded, sometimes angry, sometimes alienated or ignored. Eventually, as Thich Nhat Hanh suggests, I stop talking to telling my story to them, and shut down.
Things that are true on an individual level become true for groups. Groups like liberals and conservatives. Democrats and Republicans. Jews and Christians and Buddhists and Moslems. People of all races and nationalities.
Those not heard feel disregarded, angry, alienated, ignored.
And worse yet, we do to our world what we do to each other.
But, if we start by listening to each other, how could that not end up effecting the world positively? Everything starts small, for good or ill. Would it not be astonishingly grand to be known as the country that knew how to listen? (For, if we really listen, and hear another's suffering, then we will be compelled to do something about it. We won't be able to resist the urge to respond with compassion.)
Think for a moment and recall a memory of a time when you felt honestly heard -- listened to. Even if what was said to you was minimal, remember how good it felt to just be heard? Now recall raising a difficult issue with someone and having them really understand. They understand because they listened.
In 1977, Nancy Friday wrote a groundbreaking book --My Mother, Myself. I read it and wrote honest notes in the margins, then gave the book to my mother to read and write in. I then re-read the book with her comments and her reactions to mine. It gave us a way to listen to each other without being face to face. It gave us a way to understand. And it helped us open the door to what became a deep and loving closeness of equals..
The spiritual key at the heart of peace is Sincere Listening. Unless we begin to listen to each other, to hearing the sighs and longings of the world, the cries of the injured and disenfranchised, the fears of those who feel beyond hope -- unless we can do this, peace will never approach. Oh, and it can be a hard world to listen to. It can sweaty and grimy and ill and frightened. It can be loud and raucous, inconvenient and occasionally even monstrous.
But our hearts and spirits can hold all that. And more. We can let in the reality of the world and by doing so, help heal it. We can model as individuals the spirit of the world in which we wish to live. It is an act of spiritual discipline and practice, this listening. Deliberate focus on listening is powerful as an agent of change and an expression of universal love.
Today I plan to really listen to someone I don't want to really listen to. I do not suspect it will be easy. I will tell you later how it went. Care to join in?
Related Blogs -
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Over at RatPatsy's Weblog she is discovering the power that listening has in her life.
It seems like, especially with people I’m close to, listening is very much appreciated! It brought a new closeness to relationships and, surprisingly, I don’t think the world suffered from not getting to hear her me as much!
Pippa at Pippa's Porch is having a rough time these days. She adds:
It's a bit like a child who fell, isn't it? If you have ever been around youngsters, you quickly learn that the best way to stop a child crying over a skinned knee is to give that child your full attention and sympathy. Often they simply need to be heard. Once they have received that acknowledgment of their pain, the pain is processed and forgotten. If
