The Lies Parents Tell Themselves in Order to Survive

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I did it this morning. I really did. I told myself a little white lie. Shame on me, right? So naughty... except... except... it helped. I felt better. What is this? Lies only make things worse, right?


They are part of our Basic Parental Survival Skills arsenal (B.P.S.S.)! A necessary evil, if you will. If we lived every moment second guessing ourselves, we would all go insane and give up. And not the "good" kind of insanity, either... you know the kind I mean. The kind that makes you say crazy sh*t like, "I want another baby," or, "I have always wanted to go hang gliding/bungee jumping/swimming with sharks." Yeah...

But I digress...

Listed below are some of the Little White Lies we, as parents, can be found guilty of clinging to like little wordy life preservers in the sea of batsh*t crazy we swim through every day. Beware of jellyfish and sticky fingers!

1. "It's the store brand of the healthy cereal."
... but it's not, really. It looks like Kix but tastes like Reese's Peanut Butter cups so it's probably not healthy at all. This is what I get for not fighting harder at the grocery store; I was totally owned by a 4-year-old.

2. "They'll stop picking their nose eventually."
Oh, no he won't. And if you are all, like, "Eww! My sweet snookums wouldn't do that!," you are fooling yourself and here is the study to prove it...

- Andrade, Chittaranjan; B.S. Srihari (2001). "A preliminary survey of rhinotillexomania in an adolescent sample". The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry - 

Also, don't lie.  We all know what we do at stoplights....

3. "That brown stuff must be dirt."
... Yeah.... it MIGHT be...

Feel better? Yeah... me neither...

4. "Tomorrow will be easier..."
... or just a new hot mess. Either way, you will have hopefully gotten some sleep and a few minutes of down-time with a stiff drink. Unless you are preggers, in which case, you are screwed. (Hah! See what I did, there?) Did you know I dream about margaritas?

5. "Well, every child does that at some point..."
... but they don't, actually. Otherwise it wouldn't be called a problem behavior. But take heart! We all started out as little heathens who bit, hit, tantrumed unmercifully, or gawd knows what else. It's part of how we figure out who we are. Aaaaand then it becomes our problem again by proxy when we reproduce. We do it to ourselves, really. Just do your part and nip it in the bud... or at least try to.

Why is it ALWAYS in public?

6. "It's just a phase..."
... or an unspeakably terrible and permanent part of their personality. Yeah, or THAT.

Lies We Tell Ourselves
Prince effing Charming, right here...

7. "I can nap when they nap."
Isn't what we tell new Moms and Dads to do because we all WISH we had done it but then never really did? As I have said before, the idea of being a well-rested parent is the sparkly, fat, f*cking unicorn of raising children: It doesn't exist.

8. "I will get organized!"
Sure you will... when everybody is off at college in 18-20. (Yeah... that does sound like a prison term, doesn't it?)

You see, they are all quite harmless and psyche-preserving. So keep on with yer bad self! I know I will...

Got any I missed?

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